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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

- was HV being unreasonable to say I HAVE to ask smokers to wash their hands and brush their teeth before touching/going near baby?

47 replies

LadyOfWaffle · 29/09/2008 13:47

I hate smoking, hate it hate it hate it but even to me that seemed quite a rude thing to ask someone to do - but it that 'the norm'? I made th mistake of saying "oh, that's quite hard" to HV (said casually, not in a way that said I wouldn't do it) but to ask MIL and basically the whole of DHs family to go off and brush their teeth and wash their hands does seem...extreme. They already think I am a snob for sitting away when they are smoking, and I know you shouldn't care what people think because it's your baby but... you know. Anyway, if that is the norm or you think it's reasonable to ask i'll do it, but if you think it's abit OTT I may well bring it up with the HV who is visiting Wednesday (requested a new one because the last really did seem like she was power tripping, and I always take everything without complaint but she was just rude). Er, so what do you think to that statement?

OP posts:

nooka · 29/09/2008 13:54

I'd love to enforce this, but of course you can't. Totally OTT! Some mums here have said they like people picking up their newborns to have washed their hands though (personally I think that is a bit OTT too). I have a no smoking rule in my own home, and would avoid taking a baby into an environment where people were smoking if at all possible, or for as short a time as possible if unavoidable (always very difficult when visiting relatives). I absolutely hate the smell of cigarettes and the idea of my babies heads smelling of fags is just so utterly gross, but you have to balance that against mortally offending your in laws.

purpleduck · 29/09/2008 13:55

Oh God, I LOVE IT!!!!

Oh If only!!!

"You must get rid of all that foul cigarette stench before you come near my baby!!!"

Unfortunately I do think its is a bit OTT, (the teeth bit especially)

However, I would not be happy about my baby breathing in all that cigarette smoke that clings to smokers....I would be more worried about that.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 29/09/2008 13:55

I'm with you on the hating smoking, and can see that the comment could come across as rude...however, if it has any impact on the smokers....great! And their irritation (if any) can be directed at HV and not you. I loathe sitting next to smokers (had a very smelly one on tube this morning) and if he was cooing in my face as rellys are wont to do to babies, it would be really unpleasant, not to mention unhealthy.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 29/09/2008 13:56

Actually, I think if they have recently had a cigarette it is fine to ask them to wash their hands.

Cot death has been linked to smoking and if people can't wait for a cigarette while they visit the baby, maybe they shouldn't come?

IAteDavinaForDinner · 29/09/2008 13:56

The only experience I can offer is that my mum is a smoker and I wouldn't even have to ask her to wash her hands before touching DS when he was a newborn, it went without saying.

HV is probably just very anti-smoking, rightly so.

Don't know about brushing teeth though ... are you going to have a supply of disposable toothburshes in your loo or what?

DaisySteiner · 29/09/2008 13:57

I thought the issue with smoking was that they are breathing out carbon monoxide for about 20 minutes after a cigarette - brushing their teeth is hardly going to do anything about that is it?!

mindalina · 29/09/2008 13:58

I wouldn't be remotely offended if you asked me to wash my hands before holding your baby after I'd been smoking. In fact my SIL has just had a baby and they insist all smokers go outside, wear a jacket while smoking they can remove before going near the baby, and wash their hands before touching the baby. All their visitors are fine with this.

I think asking people to brush their teeth is a bit much, and tbh can't see it would make much difference because any fumes will surely come from the lungs?

But asking people to wash their hands is not, imo, unreasonable at all.

pagwatch · 29/09/2008 14:00

OK pedantic point but it is unreasonable of the HV to try to tell you that you HAVE to do anything at all.
Her job is to offer support and advice.

So equally you would be unreasonable to 'bring it up with her'. She has offered you advice to weigh. You may accept or ignore but to 'bring it up with her' is to accepting the rather dim premis that she has any control of what you do.

So YANBU to find her advice unreasonable but YABU to do anything other than consider and then accpt or reject.

pedantic?
Moi?

Original poster

LadyOfWaffle · 29/09/2008 14:00

For that to be reasonable and viable in my eyes (well, viable anyway) you should be asking them to change clothes also. I know alot of HVs are wonderful and I used to have a brilliant one, but this one took one look at me and just went on a power trip. She said tons more besides this comment, but this one sticks out in my mind because I was panicing about smokers coming to DSs Baptism and having to send them off all the time to wash themselves. I as tempted to ask her to write it down in the red book so I could show people it was the HV, not me being a cow, asking for it to be done. I am so glad I changed HV now (although have yet to see what the new one comes up with)

OP posts:

nigeltuffnell · 29/09/2008 14:01

I heard it was an hour of poisonous fumes and that no one should breathe over a new born until waiting an hour after last fag.
I did ask my family to do this with my son, got some looks and comments but did'nt actually care. New lungs not yet developed and all that....

Original poster

LadyOfWaffle · 29/09/2008 14:03

I guess you had to be here to see why I am really annoyed - it was the wy she asked and really jumped on me when I said "oooh, that will be hard" (as I said before not said in a way that meant I wouldn't do it, just a comment really).

OP posts:

falcon · 29/09/2008 14:03

Brush their teeth? Are they planning to gnaw on him?

DownyEmerald · 29/09/2008 14:04

Honestly HVs have no idea. My mum smokes, and my HV pulled a face and said something along those lines. My mum doesn't smoke in our house, and if we are at her house with dd she smokes outside. And I think that is absolutely fine (though of course the whole house stinks but that's life). But how a HV imagined that I was going to ask my own mum to do all that before she held dd - what planet do they live on.

Part of me does think that maybe I'm too much of wimp to confront my mum on this one though - but then it's a happy time for all the family - asking mum to wash her hands etc would have just spoilt it for all of us.

But then they live hours away and don't see dd very often. Be different I s'ppose if they saw each other more often.

RedOnHerHead · 29/09/2008 14:04

since having my DC's my mother has chosen to smoke in her back garden because she knows how the house smelled before - she was an ex-smoker for a while until my step father left. Even when we are not there she still smokes outside.

My MIL smokes in her porch when we are there (but i think she smokes in the house when we are not there because I can smell the smoke on us when we leave.

I HATE IT - IT STINKS! AND I HATE MY DC'S SMELLING OF IT TOO!

my mum always washes her hands after smoking anyway.

charleymouse · 29/09/2008 14:06

LoW I do not think it rude at all to ask people to wash their hands although would struggle with the teeth brushing, agree with Daisy would rather let them wait a while after smoking to pick DCs up. DH used to wash hands when he was a smoker and we asked my Mum and his Dad to wash their hands after smoking before touching DS. My Mum also used to bring a change of clothes to put on at my house or wear a cardigan over her indoor clothes (we made them go outside for a fag), which she took off when she came back in.

After seeing our tiny baby almost die from Pneumonia/meningitis DH stopped smoking and we do not let people smoke in our house. Smokers we know must wash their hands before picking up my DCs where possible as well. It is difficult to enforce but you can just blame healthcare professsionals and say "My HV says ..........."

There is nothing worse than picking up my daughter from my Mums and kissing the top of her head and her smelling of smoke. To be fair my Mum smokes outside when she is there but it lingers.

mumfor1standmaybe2ndtime · 29/09/2008 14:09

I think the brushing of teeth is a bit ott, to me it would be the 'surrounding air' which would be more important, and would want a smoker to smoke outside.
As a non smoking household I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who smokes being near my baby, especially in my own home.

It is difficult when visiting friends/relatives. Dh's Dad smokes heavily, as does his wife. The walls are yellow and if you move a fridge magnet you will see the white shape underneath! This is not an easy situation with a baby.

Original poster

LadyOfWaffle · 29/09/2008 14:09

Ok, so not totally unreasonable in what she said. I will make the new HV write it down for me though in my red book so I can show people, otherwise it is going to cause no end of trouble.

OP posts:

rebelmum1 · 29/09/2008 14:10

when I brough my newborn home from hospital my mum had been smoking in my lounge !!

rebelmum1 · 29/09/2008 14:11

I think it's OTT tbh I think if it is someone close like a partner and someone who has regular contact ok but not the grandparents it will cause no end of conflict.

LynetteScavo · 29/09/2008 14:12

The HV does sound a bit power crazed.

So are midwives allowed to smoke on their brake? I'm still the midwife went outside for a cigaret when I was in the bath after having DS2, and came back in stinking.

TBH, I like to wash my hands before holding a new born. I've some times wondered if people think I'm odd for doing this when I go to visit them and their new baby.

scaredoflove · 29/09/2008 14:23

I'm confused by what hand and teething cleaning would actually do, surely, they would still have whatever on their clothes? So you would need to ask them to shower and change clothes too?

Hand washing I inderstand a little but teeth cleaning would just mask the smell not stop the breathing

I agree a HV can't and shouldn't tell you to do anything, they can advise but not dictate

CoteDAzur · 29/09/2008 14:29

"Smoke" doesn't cling to smokers. Smell clings to smokers.

ilovetochat · 29/09/2008 14:37

i would ask a smoker to wash their hands and i don't care who they are, the baby is more important. I also made inlaws wash their hands as they are dog lovers and in my opinion unhygienic (SP?). and i would never take dd into a smoky house, even if they didn't smoke while we were there

pagwatch · 29/09/2008 14:40

LOW

seriously. You are not going to get some HV to give you permission to tell people what you want re your child are you?

You either want people to do this in which case tell them. Or you are not fussed in which case don't.

If you gave me a slip from your HV telling me what to do I would think you were barking.

Twelvelegs · 29/09/2008 14:45

I always had the rule, although now nobody smokes that would touch my newborn, noone that smoked could come near for an hour after a cigarette. I would have thought a smokey mouth kkissing a baby is not advised.
All my family, regardless of smoking or not, would wash their hands before touching my newborns, DH's family (only M&D) had to be and were reminded everytime.
Smoke does cling to smokers, well the toxic and poisonous bitsof it anyway. Smokers who smoke in the house, wherever it may be, allow the toxins to go everywhere...by allow I mean there's nothing they can do.

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