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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel irritated with DP who has made the decision that we are not to have any more children, all by himslef?

27 replies

geraldinetheluckygoat · 26/09/2008 22:19

How do you resolve this situation? I don't want more kids immediately, but feel that I don't want to rule it out. At the moment I feel like it would be nice to have another one or two, when our youngest starts school. DP doesn't want any more. Ever. He adores the two we have, but says the early years are too tiring, although I did all the night feeds with both !
I know there's no solution to this, but I feel a bit resentful that everytime anyone mentions the posibility of us having any more, he will immediately say "no, we definitely aren't" although he knows I would like more. I realise I am being a bit unreasonable, but I do feel dissappointed.
Has anyone else had this disagreement with their dp and how did you resolve it?!

OP posts:

Reallytired · 26/09/2008 22:26

I think if you feel strongly you need to go to relate and discuss your differences with your partner.

My husband was very negative about having another child when my son was four years old.

Now my son is six years old and I am 12 weeks pregnant. I did not trick or bully my husband into another. This pregnancy is 100% planned and my husband wants the baby as much as me.

We will have a big age gap, but I have waited until my husband was ready. I think if I had been less patient and tricked him our marriage would fall apart.

babbi · 26/09/2008 22:30

No advice Geraldine as my DH is the same - he makes it abundantly clear to anyone who asks that DD is the last (my only - he has 2 adult kids from a previous marriage).
Earlier this evening he again said to my parents no way would we be having any more !

Just wanted to say you have my sympathies and I wish I knew a way to resolve it.

Good luck

Original poster

geraldinetheluckygoat · 26/09/2008 22:33

Did he just change his mind in the end, reallytired?
Wouldn't trick him, obviously, recipe for disaster. Really just want to either move on myself, or be able to just put it to back of my mind for now, but it's niggling at me. I dont mention it a lot, as I know it would be unfair to nag. Relate feels a bit drastic.
I dunno, I just find it hard to get my head around how he can be so horrified by the idea of more kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

geraldinetheluckygoat · 26/09/2008 22:36

It feels a bit hurtful somehow, babbi doesn't it when they make the comments. We were talking about one of dp's friends whos gf is planning an epidural on her birth plan, and i said, "oh, it stopped my labour both times, theres no way id do that again" and he said "that's right, theres no way you'll be doing that again!" He says it half jokingly but it just mades me feel a bit sad i spose.

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notsoteenagemum · 26/09/2008 22:48

My DH is exactly the same I always wanted more than two. DD is 8 DS is 4 I would have liked one inbetween them and another after that.
DH was really distant with DD when she was little and he says its because she was unplanned, he was completely different with DS. What annoys me is he said if DS was a girl too he would have carried on for a boy.
Its difficult and has caused lots of rows especially after he made up his mind without consulting me really. And as lots of our friends are having their first babies at the moment. I'm just thankful I havea job now to take my mind off it.

Sorry this isn't advice but you have my sympathy.

NiceShoes · 26/09/2008 22:52

i have said to my dp one and no more.that was always my plan.only ever wanted one,non negotiable

Szyslak · 26/09/2008 22:54

I think that the person who doesn't want anymore gets to make the deciion by default really.

I anted another my Dh didn't, I couldn't make him.

Original poster

geraldinetheluckygoat · 26/09/2008 22:57

yes I agree, there's no comprimise in this situation! Maybe I will get used to the idea as the ds's grow up, and I get burried under heap of muddy sports kits....

OP posts:

Bowddee · 26/09/2008 22:58

Would you want to be pushed in to having a child you didn't want?

estimo · 26/09/2008 23:01

My DP said he would leave me if I got pregnant again (he wasn't joking!) as if he has nothing to do with it
We have a lot of unresolved problems as you can probably guess.
The mad thing is he is an absolutely fantastic dad

Original poster

geraldinetheluckygoat · 26/09/2008 23:01

No, Bowddee, obviously no one wants that. I'm not pushing, I have said that I don't go on at him, I'm not nagging him night and day about it! I'm more asking if others have been in this situation andhow they have dealt with it. I understand how he feels, I don't feel the same, and that is an issue I'm trying to deal with.

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notsoteenagemum · 26/09/2008 23:08

My DH said the same estimo and I believe him.
In a way I think it should be the womans choice especially if like me she's the one to stay at home and look after the children, but at the same time I haven't wanted to jeopardise what we already have.
I have told DH though that as my options of contraception are dwindling he should have the snip. He says 30 is too young though but I'm not having anymore injections, implants or anything else so its up to him.

Original poster

geraldinetheluckygoat · 26/09/2008 23:13

blimey my dp hasn't threatened that I think if I were to get pregnant, he'd probably be pissed off initially, then we would just geton with it. But I wouldn't "trick" him into it, before anyone thinks thats what I have in mind!!

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notsoteenagemum · 26/09/2008 23:25

Do you find that lots of people tell you to do that though, my mum even told me too
Dh is the oldest of 4 and is totally different to his siblings and I think thats where his issues lie TBH.
I think the key is to focus on the lovely family you do have and discuss his tactless comments.

Janni · 26/09/2008 23:36

Geraldine - well you have as much right to say that you would like more as he has to say he doesn't want any more. So if anyone asks, or the subject comes up, you just say 'I would like to have more children'. It's just a statement of fact. It doesn't have to be a discussion or an argument. It simply means that your wishes in this matter are no more or less valid than his.

Reallytired · 27/09/2008 10:35

I think you have to listen to your partner and have a discussion (rather than an arguement) about how you feel and what you want.

To be honest if your dp is threatening to leave you if you get pregnant then it would be a silly thing to have a child with him.

Prehaps if he is making these sort of threats you need to discuss the future of your relationship without the discussion of more kids.

mumfor1standmaybe2ndtime · 27/09/2008 10:53

This is a tricky one. After we had ds, our only child, we both decided one was enough for us. Mainly due to the birth I had (traumatic, but won't start an awful birth thread lol).
I got rid of all of the baby things. Ds is now 3.5 and I am 23 weeks pg with number 2.

It all started for us when I had to go to hospital to have an ultrasound on my ovaries as I was suffering with abdominal pains. I came off my pill around the same time because I had been on it for so long (on and off for 15 years!)and wondered if I needed a break from it. The ultrasound was fine.
It made us think about our options about having more children and to be honest it was more dh who wanted to try for another baby.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we never know what the future holds, whether it be to have one, two more kids. We can't map it out! You both have to be comfortable about having kids together, not battle against whether to or not. I think as a woman we are programmed to 'wonder if we have finished our brood!' It is mother nature. No one wants to be told 'thats it now'

findtheriver · 27/09/2008 11:21

This is a really tricky one because as you say, in one sense there is no compromise - either you will have more children or you won't!!

I would echo those who say you just need to try to find times for this to come up as a discussion - not in a confrontational way, but just as a talking point.

One thought - maybe one thing that puts him off is that you talk about having another one or two children once your youngest starts school. This would be quite a big age gap. (I may not seem like it now, but friends of mine who've done this have really felt the difference when the older kids are early teens, and they still have a little child too). From talking to my DH and other fathers, I think a lot of dads feel that they dont want to go back and do the whole baby thing again. They see the time that the kids start school as an exciting new phase, often accompanied by less pressure financially (either less childcare costs, or if mum has been at home, then an opportunity for her to get back into the workplace). Don't underestimate how important this is for a father. Sometimes mothers have a longing to prolong the 'baby' years, and they want to do this by starting over again and having another baby - which is fine if that suits all the family, but not if it's something which is going to put pressure on other family members. So, might it not be a suggestion that you could have another baby sooner rather than later? Of course, if your DH is really adamant that he wants two children and no more, then it may be that it's best to accept that you have a lovely family of two children, and make the most of them.

Mumi · 27/09/2008 13:49

Not only is to say no without discussion not on, but to say "that's right, there's no way you'll be doing that again!" crosses a certain line.

If my DP said that to me, my response would be "I might do, obviously just not with you" . That's not a recommendation of what you should say! and it may equally come to pass that I decide against it anyway, but the point I'd make is either way, I personally would never take being told what I would or wouldn't be doing with my own body, with or without him.

lucyellensmum1 · 27/09/2008 14:37

i know a couple who had a child when the man REALLY didn't want one. The woman pestered until he caved in. They are getting a divorce now

Original poster

geraldinetheluckygoat · 27/09/2008 21:54

Ok thanks for all the opinions, I think the general gist is that I need to have a propper chat to him without either of us getting cross, I also think I just need to try to stop thinking about it for now. I hadn't thought about the fact that I wanted to wait till the little one is at school being a negative point - we had our ds's twenty-one months apart, which was quite full on, so I thought a bigger age gap without any others at home full time might be better! I think Mumi, I do feel a bit pissed off at being "told" I wont be having any more, I find it a bit patronising, and it has taken me aback as usually our relationship is not based on these terms at all, we usually really respect each others opinions and discuss things like adults!
Ah well, thanks anyway for listening everyone, and it is good to know I'm not the only one in this situation....

OP posts:

mabanana · 27/09/2008 21:59

You do need to talk to him, as you said. If you don't openly communicate, then you are both probably making assumptions about the other's feelings. My dh would make remarks like this, and I was just devastated, as I would say things like, 'I can totally understand why people have five or six kids'. In the end it came out in a row, that I had wanted another child, and he would say these things, and he was stunned. He thought I only wanted two, and he wasn't fussed. I jsut thought i was talking about other people all the time, adn told me that if I wanted another child he was totally up for it, and he had no idea I felt so strongly about having another baby.

findtheriver · 27/09/2008 22:01

Well good luck with whatever you decide. I can understand the thinking that a bigger gap is easier in the short term (and I'm sure that's true - I had 3 preschoolers and it is full on!!). But from what I've observed among friends, the ones who have their family close together have found it easier in the long term - i suppose you go through each phase just the once. I think dads in particular often find the baby stage not as interesting as when they get older, and are reluctant to return to broken nights and crying. I would definitely agree with LEM though that you shouldnt pester your dh. It needs to be a joint decision.

LittleBella · 27/09/2008 22:05

I don't think it's unreasonable to have your fertility vetoed by someone else, it's extremely disempowering.

But it is one of those things where there is no right answer, isn't it, because both parties in a relationship have rights.

Original poster

geraldinetheluckygoat · 27/09/2008 22:05

Thanks, find the river, I think you are right, men do seem to not want to "go back", whereas I think "oh how lovely, to have another little baby in the house!"

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