My mother............again

[lucyellensmum1]

My mum, she means well but she is doing my head in.

We have just come back from a lovely holiday, DP, DD and i and i realise that one of the things i enjoyed was space from my mother. But here's the thing, she is a widow and pretty lonely i bet. BUT heres another thing, I think she is getting a bit too interfering and "trying to help" too much with DD. It is like she feels she is doing me a favour by taking us out places etc. In fact im sure she feels that way. We are having bed time nightmares at the moment so i mentioned to my mother that we battled to get DD to bed last night, despite me running her, and moreso myself, ragged in the park yesterday with a ball (i mean, we were there for HOURS). So now she feels she needs to take it upon herself to get me out and about with DD. Part of the bed time nightmare is her daddy being too soft and she runs rings around him and the other is that we have just been on holiday and bedtimes went out of the window.

Part of me feels like screaming at her, i'm 37 years old i have TWO children (you only had me so im more experienced so ner ner ner ner ner) and i can manage my own daughter thankyou very much. Part of me feels put upon because i feel i have to indulge her because she is probably lonely and feels better about being alive if she has purpose. The catholic part of me feels guilty for even feeling this way and thinks i should be grateful that she wants to spend time with DD and i should think, great, i was wondering what i would do with DD today.

She was supposed to be going to bingo (DM) but feels she needs to cancel it to do something with DD.

im being unreasonable aren't i?

so???

Perhaps stop telling her these things. When you do, you are inviting her in, inviting her to comment - she probably thinks you are wanting her advice and wisdom! By telling her of your struggles, you are making things worse. She wants to 'solve' your problem. She thinks you need her to do it.

Show her that you are a capable, independent woman and you don't need her to sort it all out for you.

Tell her not to cancel the bingo. Tell her you are doing something with dd, having some mother and daughter time and suggest you meet your mum for coffee on such and such a day.

It's hard to make the transition from mother and child relationship to mother and adult offspring, iyswim. But it's you who has to do that. You need to show her you are a grown up now, with your own family who you manage quite well, and that your relationship with your own mother has changed. You don't need her to take care of things now, you need her in a more social way, if you get me.

Just my opinion. Long winded

Not sure if you're being unreasonable but I totally sympathise.

My DM is the same but she's not on her own - just my Dad has lots of hobbies to keep him busy and she has none so it's mostly out of boredam!

It's hard to be cross with them when they are trying to help and it seems really ungrateful but it is irritating.

I always feel guilty about something so have just added this to the list!

Not much you can do really except keep your distance in subtle ways. I don't know if she is the type who would pop round but my Mum always rings first - caller ID is my best line of defence!

Sorry, not much help just lots of sympathy.

Mmmmm, maybe B slightly U, in the nicest possible way.

But not knowing your mother, I don't know how controlling she is when she suggests these things, so maybe NU at all.

Does she just take over and say 'Right, I'll do this' and not give you chance to speak (or ignore what you say anyway) or does she put these offers to you in a nice, helpful way that you just feel to guilty to refuse?

I think you're feeling controlled by 'guilt' and what you 'should' do & feel, rather than feeling in control of the situation.

It's ok to set some bounderies and be strict with what you want, take back some control - as long as you're offering you mother some quality time as well and not making her feel excluded.

Be strong: "No mum, don't cancel you're bingo there is no need, we will deal with this our way...but maybe you could spend some time with DD on xx day whilst I do the shopping?"

the trouble is, she rings me and says "i dont feel like going to bingo so we can do something with lucy today". Och, i should just get on with it, Lucy says she wants to go to soft play, having my mother there will make it less tedious

I really dont want to make you feel guilty here but I had the same problems with my mother when my dd was born. She would hassle me constantly about things I was doing wrong or not doing, "that babies not wrapped up well enough" etc, etc. My mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour and died when my dd was two years old. I would give the world to have her back here nagging me now and spending time with her grandaughter. Believe me, its much harder when they're not here any more.

mum2taylor, you don't have to remind me of that i lost my dad to cancer when DD was only 8 weeks old and he had alzheimers so never even met her, so i do totally understand your comments and im very sorry for your loss.

Usually i can rise above the comments but its just that its the whole everydayness of it all. But you are right, i know that.

Trouble is, LEM1 is that she is controlling the situation even if she's not meaning to or she has the best intention - and I think that's what you are struggling with.

"i dont feel like going to bingo so we can do something with lucy today" - she's not asking you, shes telling you - but in a nice way which makes you feel bad not to accept.

Maybe find some replies which give you the control back - you may only need to do this a couple of times before you feel ok about everything again. It is understandable to feel the way you do, you just need to turn it around before it does seem like you are being ungrateful.

"Well actually, mum, I've got a busy day planned today but I'd love to do something on xx day if you are free? Why don't you feel like bingo today? Are you ok?"

A reply like that is gentle but firm and distracts the attention back to her.

I was the same with my mum, she used to just open her mouth and let the comments fly out...she couldnt let go of the thought that I wasnt her "little girl" any more! LOL! I just miss her so much now that I would gladly put up with all of the comments now if it meant having her here to talk to, or argue with .

Thanks goodness there are others out there who have this problem with their mum.
Lucyellensmum1 - I totally sympathise with you and no I don't think you are being unreasonable.
My mum is on her own too and is totally bored and lonely which means she totally interferes and tries to help us out when in fact she isn't helping us out she is just causing friction between us.
Does she think she is always right too? Make you feel inadequate as a mother and do you dread seeing her because of this? Or maybe this is just me!

lately, she has started to behave like she feels im inadequate and this is annoying. Today was OK, but she drives me bloody nuts i tell you. Nice to be back home drinking a cuppa on my own with DD playing with her toys nicely.

LEM - I know exactly how you feel. I have had my parents staying for a week. I felt a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders when dh took them to the train yesterday morning.