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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my parents come to stay while DH is away?

22 replies

EightiesChick · 25/09/2008 22:09

My parents are lovely but elderly. They live some way away and like to come and visit to 'help out' though in practice this means more effort for me entertaining them, watching programmes I don't normally watch, etc. All worth putting up with for a few days as they have been very good in the past.

However, I'm now expecting my first LO and my DH is going away for a week to a family do wedding abroad soon - I've been told it's best not to fly so I am staying at home. That same week is v quiet at work for me, in fact my department will be closed for a few days of it, so my plans were just to enjoy some 'me' time in my pyjamas, watching DVDs and eating chocs, maybe going to the cinema with my friends, eating stuff DH doesn't like...you get the picture.

Now my parents have said they want to come up and stay that week for a few days to 'keep me company'. TBH, I was looking forward to my own company, and it will spoilt my couch potato plans! Not so easy to put them off, though, as they know it is a quiet work week for me. I hedged on the phone and said I had a few work things on even so, therefore I would have to check. Would it be really selfish of me to not agree to them coming up? And if I do that, am I best to lie and make up some reason rather than just say I want to be on my own? I am inclined to, as they don't take harsh truths very well.

I should say that I'm only second trimester so there's little chance I would need rushing to hospital or that I'd go into labour. It's just that they imagine I will be feeling miserable on my own, when that's far from the truth...

OP posts:

IdrisTheDragon · 25/09/2008 22:11

I don't think your being unreasonable at all - I would love to have the time to myself.

I would probably tell a white lie of sorts.

morningpaper · 25/09/2008 22:11

Gosh NOT AT ALL UNREASONABLE

these are the last few months you are going to enjoy any peace and quiet for THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS

Just explain that to them

misi · 25/09/2008 22:17

oh dear a tricky one!!
I would say not being unreasonable but I also know how parents can be when they want to help out. brick walls come to mind

my sister has a similar but different situation next week. my BIL is away for 4 days on a work course. my sister has 5 kids, the eldest is 10 next week (when my BIL is away) and the youngest is 2, so her MIL has decided to come down for the week to stay and help out. trouble is half the kids don't like granny and the other half ignore her cos she ignores them, (well 2 and 3 not half each!!) but 2 of the kids do love grannys cooking. parents (and parents in laws) huh, what can you do???????

MamaG · 25/09/2008 22:19

YANBU, def tell a white lie

missingtheaction · 25/09/2008 22:26

and if that doesn't work tell a black one...

milkysallgone · 25/09/2008 22:30

Yanbu at all - sounds like bliss. Just try to let them down gently.

tigermoth · 26/09/2008 06:55

I can see why you are relishing some peace and quiet, knowing that in a few months time, you will be busy with your baby, but still, your OP bought a lump to my throat.

My parents are now both dead - have been for some years. They were lovely and liked to help out (especially my mother - my father was ill for much of the time). And somtimes it boarded on interference. But I look back with such good memories of the times my mother braved the journey to SE London to see me.

Your parents may be very aware that you are on the cusp of a change - this may be the very last time they will have you to themselves and you can give them your undivided attention for a whole day or two. Soon you will have a baby and they will have a grandchild and family dynamics will be different.

You say they are lovely. I get the impression you feel very secure (and you know your parents love you a lot?) and is this one of the reasons why you feel so content about being on your own.

I can't say whether it would be right or wrong to see your parents over the week, but if you cancel this, will you look back in 10 years time with regret? I certainly don't torture myself over the times I cancelled seeing my parents, but it is there in the back of my mind.

If they are elderly and travelling is a hassle for them, can you visit them for just a couple of days, then spend the rest of the week alone? If you are the one visiting them, you are more in control of the timing - you can leave exactly when you want. Or otherwise, can you suggest your parents pay a shorter visit to you, as you are booked up with things to do on the other days?

stitch · 26/09/2008 07:05

what tigermoth said

TwoMore · 26/09/2008 09:41

My mother is dead and although I enjoyed the visits she made I would still, if pregnant and faced with the bliss that is some space and time to myself, tell her to visit another time. I wouldnt regret it and I would really enjoy the time to myself, so good for recharging the batteries and so good for mental health. Can you tell i have children and cant even go to the loo on my own? I know also my mother would have made the same decision, we were very similar!

Dont feel guilty, stick to plan A and arrange a lovely weekend break with them in a cottage or something nice later on.

AbbeyA · 26/09/2008 09:46

I agree with tigermoth.

pofaced · 26/09/2008 09:52

They are elderly and trying to do their best by you. You have no responsibilities for the week.

Have they ever shown you any kindness in the past? Done things for you when they might have preferred to do something else? At any stage in your entire life?

I think YABU & selfish to boot: DVDs and chocolates versus elderly parents who want to see their daughter because they think she may need company when her husband is away as she is pregnant but she doesn't want them to visit because they watch TV programmes that she wouldn't normally watch...

Try to work out a balance between your own selfishness needs and their good intentions

QuintessentialShadow · 26/09/2008 09:53

At the moment, your only concern is your baby in your belly and your dh. Although a week alone seem pretty blissfull, what strikes me is that you have all the time really to chill, there are no kids placing demands on you, and relaxing on the sofa with chocolate and dvds is something you can do pretty much every weekend. Your dh is a grown up, so he will understand if you tell him to back off, and let your sit on your own a bit.

You are not yet a parent, so it will be hard for you to understand the needs of a parent, in terms of the kids. You are grown up now, they have seen you through your life, they have been good as you say but now they are hard work because they are elderly. Welcome to the reality of life, now they can look to YOU, their childfree (but pregnant) daughter to care a little for them, albeit for one week only. Let them come down a few days, have a good time with their daughter, quality time, if you may.

It is sad that you see this as a chore. Soon you will have no time for them, little time for you, and I would hate to think that my children would prefer dvds and chocolate on the sofa to my company, after I spent years of loving and careing for them.

AbbaFan · 26/09/2008 09:53

I agree that this is the last bit of 'me time' you will have in a long time with a L/O on the way.

I would very nicely put them off and explain you just want to chill and get things ready for the baby.

I am sure you will be spending some time together when the baby is here.

TheHedgeWitch · 26/09/2008 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

berolina · 26/09/2008 10:55

I very much see what those who are saying 'let them come' are saying, but can see the other side as well. IIWY I'd be looking to compromise. Can you arrange for them/you to visit so that you still get one or one-and-a-half blissful solitary days?

Btw, that was unnecessarily harsh, pofaced.

snowleopard · 26/09/2008 11:00

YANBU. You need that time alone - I can see the point about maybe spending a bit of it with them, but they can visit another time so you shouldn't have to if you don't want to. I'd say it's just not a good week, you have too much on and are feeling tired, but arrange a visit very soon.

They may genuinely think you need company and be happy if you reassure them otherwise.

It's your first baby and while having a child is a fantastic and wonderful thing, take it from us who already have children that a week of delicious solitude, pjs and choc is something you cannot afford to miss at this point.

Fimbo · 26/09/2008 11:13

Jeez Pofaced - I think I will send my mother to visit you for a week.

YANBU, Ec.

plantsitter · 26/09/2008 11:23

If it were my parents, I would say exactly what you said in your OP about a week with chocs on the sofa, but that if you change your mind you'll come and see them (just in case you get bored). I don't think this is selfish at all, but if it is selfish it's the last chance you'll get for bloody ages to be so, so relish it!

You know if your parents will be offended by this though, so just make something up if they will. I would still give myself the option of visiting in case boredom strikes though.

mazzystar · 26/09/2008 11:29

i think Tigermoth is v sensible. I would go visit the for the weekend, or suggest they come up just for a day or two.

Ignore pofaced she is living up to her name

mazzystar · 26/09/2008 11:32

Do they still have all your baby stuff stashed in the attic?

I spend a lovely day with my mum, when I was 6 mo pg with my first baby, looking at all the stuff she had kept in case I needed it. Very sweet and funny. Perhaps that would give you the excuse you need to go there rather than them cvme to you.

kitbit · 26/09/2008 11:33

Can they come for just a couple of days? You could have the best of both?

Original poster

EightiesChick · 26/09/2008 22:20

Thanks for all the views. Lots of food for thought!

Tigermoth, yours in particular stood out and was really honest but also kind. You?re right that I feel secure about my parents? love and I do like my own company. Perhaps that allows me to take their offer for granted a little. I am glad that people don?t think it?s totally unreasonable to look forward to some chilling out alone time, but the later replies have made see it both ways.

So, I?m going to go with the helpful suggestion a few people made, to get them along for a visit but just a short one of a few days. That way I will still have some time to myself. It?s more difficult to go to them bc of DH being away so house would be empty, cat needing feeding etc. But I will have them here for a few days and try to plan some nice stuff to do with them, then settle back for guilt-free chocolate eating?

OP posts:

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