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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with mil casting me as Cruella Devill?

37 replies

mitfordsisters · 25/09/2008 14:22

Sorry, mils again.

Me, dh and ds (7 months) have returned from short stay at mil's. She was very generous and warm - took us out for lovely lunch and gave me a plant - thanked her for all this and had a few nice times together playing with ds and poring over gardening books.

We intended to leave for long car journey to coincide with ds's nap and said so. She laid out salad and things for lunch and I had something and ds had his. Then, half an hour later dh comes in and she says do you want sausages and she goes off and fries them, then lays the 'other' table outside and her and dh proceed to have a leisurely lunch outside. Meanwhile, car is packed and ds starts fretting, tugging ear and tired.

So when they have finished eating, she offers te and I say, no, we really must go. Mil evidently upset at us going and won't make eye contact with me, and very stiff with me.

Today she has been in tears to dh, saying she doesn't understand why i am so resentful and that I have upset her awfully. AIBU to think she is manipulating and casting me as the villain?

OP posts:

Original poster

mitfordsisters · 25/09/2008 19:01

LavenderTea! You sound very patient indeed as your mil sounds much more marauding, what with the personal remarks as well - we haven't come to that. How on earth do you keep your cool?

I wish my dh would defend my honour but he won't

OP posts:

Bubbaluv · 25/09/2008 19:17

Does your DH think his mother is right or is he just unwilling to confront her?

hotbot · 25/09/2008 19:18

i can see where you are coming from,,, dd does not like the car she isn't used to it and doesnt like to be confined .She is only 2yrs we have 1 car, which dh uses everywhere we go its walk or pram..mostly walking so we time our car journeys to relatives via naps.. its kinder to her and less stressful than having to listen to a hysterical dd wanting to get out of her seat. Much sympathy to you.

Whoopee · 25/09/2008 20:13

I can't help chiming in with another example of delaying tactics.

When my parents were still married - and before I came along - my maternal grandmother would prolong their visits by putting all their clothes in the wash! It was the 1960s and there wasn't a tumble drier. They just had to wait it out.

Once she said, "Oh! Nobody cares about me, I'm going to jump off Beachy Head." My father replied, "Fine. I'll give you a push."

slightlyharried · 25/09/2008 20:33

MIL's are manipulative - mine was a right old baggage and I fell out with her HUGELY - massively, extremely dramatically - cancelled wedding, kicked out of the place i shared with (now dh) and his witchy sister - and she refused to accept my apolgy for nearly a year after - I had to suck up - and dh was on HER side -
dh & I rowed horribly for ages about it - then something slipped and i thought why should that old bxxx cause so many problems between me and dh, she was the only thing we argued about - so i decided to take the high ground - admittedly have bitten my tongue in her company let her bigoted statements and pushyness wash over me - and now 3 years on its fine - she's ok and i can even joke with her about her stupid ideas - still have to keep it in sometimes but know that she's just a bit of a sad old lady who lives on her own and causes problems for most of her extended family - turned it into pity for her really.... makes me feel better - and yes she tries but dh now sees my side of it much more because i took a break from bitching about her too... all for the good - she lives 5hrs away and just thank heavens for that -Its not round the corner!!

Original poster

mitfordsisters · 26/09/2008 09:01

lol at clothes washing!

slightlyharried - what a nightmare. Are you saying that you cancelled your wedding because of the row? I recognise this sort of brinksmanship - I have threatened dh with divorce over this wretched business of mil and her sausages!

I feel a bit more serene about it this morning (thanks mumsnetters) and I'm just going to send her a letter to thank her for our lovely visit and ignore the whole blimming disagreement.

OP posts:

LavenderTea · 26/09/2008 11:25

Mitfordsiters about keeping cool, I do surprise myself to be perfectly honest.

I suppose I manage because she is 83 (or their about.) She is also deaf (selective) and none emotionally responsive to emotional behaviours. If I rowed with her I think she would just close her eyes or turn her face away. That's what she does if I kiss her goodbye....

She is also 18 stone and 5ft 2 and 83 and immobile. So the comments about me putting on weight 8 weeks after I bore her grandchild are slightly ironic really... She also offered to give me her size 30 knickers because the elastic was a little rough tight.

Some times I think she is just doing it to take the pissamuse herself because life doesn't have much for her these days.
When dd was born FIL said we are so pleased as this may give MIL something to live for again. [hmmm]

LavenderTea · 26/09/2008 11:30

I am a size 12-14 pre regnancy by the way... so yes I and my dh was slightly insulted but also bemused by the thought of me wearing my MIL's size 30 and old knickers... !!

LavenderTea · 26/09/2008 11:54

Sorry me again

Whoopee LOL I wish my MIL would jump off Beachy Head too !!

Slightly Harried , Sounds awful, but yes I think pity is what I do too.

Mitfordsisters
Just read about you nearly divorcing over the sausages. Eeek. I think it's time to call in your best ally and have a chat with your dh. Luckily mine although he loves his mum to bits he hates her cooking and always has, (he is very slim) so usually is on my side, although useless at confronting her on this so logistically no help....
I think your MIL is probably a bit sneakier than mine too, in that she probably knows the secrets to your dh's sympathies and plays on those. My MIL doesn't really to be honest do too much to please my dh so I think he is already a little resentful that he has realised that other people can be nicer to him are emotionally apt (and better cooks.)

LavenderTea · 26/09/2008 11:55

Sorry me again

Whoopee LOL I wish my MIL would jump off Beachy Head too !!

Slightly Harried , Sounds awful, but yes I think pity is what I do too.

Original poster

mitfordsisters · 26/09/2008 13:01

LavenderTea - you have wisdom of sages (SageTea?), and it puts me to shame a bit when I think that mil is 75 (not as old as 83, but deserving of a bit of leeway because of this).

rofl about the enormous pants!!

I am just writing a note to mil to thank her for a nice visit and have told dh that he has to stick up for me in future. He has agreed. Amen (hopefully)

OP posts:

mumeeee · 26/09/2008 21:43

You are being a bit unreasonable. You could have put your DS down for his nap at your MIL.

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