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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be secretly breastfeeding my dd. ( I know it sounds crazy)

51 replies

Pryor · 23/09/2008 23:16

Sorry for the name change but this is embarrassing.
I have bf my dd for 6 months and she would never take a bottle of even expressed milk during this time.
A few weeks ago I tried her with a bottle again and magically she took it.
My dh thinks we should now only give her bottles and I should stop bfing completely.

He thinks bfing is the reason she doesn't sleep well and that she wakes up because she wants the comfort of me feeding her.

I have agreed that he is probably right about the comfort aspect, however I personally don't mind her needing me to comfort her in the night.

So now I am in the ridiculous situation of feeding her when she seems to need it but just telling dh that I patted her or gave her a cuddle to sooth her.
DD is only just over 7 months and I feel if she needs to bf for comfort that is OK. I understand dh's point of view as she does need to learn to sleep better.

Has anyone else had a situation like this? Probably not.

OP posts:

wabbit · 24/09/2008 00:13

they're ßeautiful aren't they???

ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß

NotAnOtter · 24/09/2008 00:20

trés ßien

çiel

AbricotsSecs · 24/09/2008 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lizzytee · 24/09/2008 13:39

You are not being unreasonable, your DP is. DD has never regularly slept through the night and with hindsight I am very glad that I chose not to listen to all the people who told me variously to stop breastfeeding/give her a bottle/leave her to cry or (not so subtly) implied that it was my fault.

With time I realised that it is rarely that simple and that people who give you "failsafe advice" about sleep usually have not dealt with babies or children who are not built that way. Have come to the conclusion in my dd's case that her sleep patterns are rather like her father's in that sometimes she is just, well, awake. Not hungry or wet or sick, just awake. I fed her until she was 15 months (never meant to, it just happened) and when she went through a really bad patch sleepwise a few months later, heartily wished that I hadn't.

Your dd is still very young, so I'm not saying that the above necessarily applies to you. But if bfing her settles her down, then what is the problem?

Ohforfoxsake · 24/09/2008 13:50

Your LO sounds like mine. If you don't mind then carry on. I got feeding down to just mornings and evenings, and broke the night time comfort feeds by cuddling tight. She is 15 months old, and it was probably just last week that I gave up completely.

Mind you if she's persistent I will bf her at night if she is really not going to settle.

FWIW my DP was keen for me to give up at 6 months. I told him I was working on it.

And ignored him

mayorquimby · 24/09/2008 13:51

i don't think yabu for bf'ing
i do think that yabu for doing it in secret and after you and your husband agreed that it would stop and on what you both thought was best for your baby.

all this "your the mother so you have the final say" is nonsense imo.

you are raising the child as a partnership and if you feel that your child is not ready to stop bf'ing discuss it with your husband,put your points across and then the two of you can come to an agreement.

how would you feel if your husband was doing something similar?i.e. lets say you both agreed "we'll wait 6 more weeks before we put the baby on to solids."and you both agree that this is the best option
then you found out that your husband had decides that he reckons the baby is ready but that you probably won't agree so he'll just move them onto solids in secret.and if caught his defence is "well i'm the father so i have the final say". it would be an equally ludicrous argument.

lou031205 · 24/09/2008 13:55

I agree with the mayor. But, you need to be clear about how you feel, then he would be unreasonable to insist you stop, imo.

milki · 24/09/2008 13:58

Pryor - just wanted to say I am in a similar situation myself, or was, have just got DP to agree that DD still needs breastfeeding at night. We had tried might weaning but after two weeks had got nowhere so I wanted to feed again at night, he thought it was a step backwards thta we shouldn't take. I then just fed her a night without telling him and made him read No Cry Sleep Solution and there must be a bit in there thta says its ok to giove up night weaning if it's not working - because he changed his mind.
Am really happy with how feeding is going now, and sooo glad that we have moved away from night weaning - and giving upi b/feeding altogther, at one point he was saying I should give up completely so she wouldn't be able to smell my milk at night and want a feed (on the suggestion of his mum I think!)! Grrrrrr.

FioFio · 24/09/2008 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OrmIrian · 24/09/2008 14:05

You're not, he is!

What is this 'should' word? Applied to babies? Very odd and quite disturbing

cheesesarnie · 24/09/2008 14:08

i think its silly your being made to do something like this in secret!
do what works for you and your child.

Oliveoil · 24/09/2008 14:09

Like you neither of mine would take a bottle until the 6 month mark

then I whooped for joy and firmly put my norks away

but we both agreed on this, nobody made a decision over the other

you do need to have a talk

(and b/f doesn't have anything to do with sleeping through imo, dd1 was a fab sleeper, dd2 can still be a pain (aged 4!), both fed the same)

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 24/09/2008 14:09

Of course YANBU but it isn't reasonable that you feel you have to hide this from your Dh.

What difference does it make to him if you BF or not?

tryingtoleave · 24/09/2008 14:16

If you have a bad sleeper you might just make things harder for yourself by removing one of your tools for comforting. We took away ds's dummies at 6 months because he wasn't sleeping and we thought they might be the problem (never thought of blaming bfing). It didn't help and now, at 2, we have to lie down with him to get him to sleep at night and I bf to sleep for his nap. If he still had a dummy he might be able to go to sleep on his own.

mayorquimby · 24/09/2008 14:19

"You're not, he is!

What is this 'should' word? Applied to babies? Very odd and quite disturbing "

how is he being unreasonable?
as was said in the op, they both agreed to this.
it is not as though she has told him that she doesn't think it's working and he is forcing her not to bf. she simply hasn't told him and is doing it behing his back thus going against the agreement they came to as a partnership. i'm not having a go at her as it's understandable that she wants to continue bf'ing.what isn't understandable is why she has not told her dh this and then they can both discuss it and be unified in their decisions regards the child.rather than her agreeing one thing with her husband and then doing another,when she has already stated that he is supportive of bf'ing and was trying to find a solution (although as many have pointed out probably the wrong one) to get their baby to sleep through the night. you wouldn't accept similar conduct from the father so why is it ok for the mother?

so pryor, as many have said in this thread already just talk to your husband. i don't really think either of you are in the wrong and both are looking out for your childs best interests in your own ways. good luck

justaflyingvisit · 24/09/2008 15:05

Pryor, please do what YOU feel is best for your baby. Definately do not hide your bf from hubby, he would be really hurt. Unless of course he is a controlling bully, then you need to tell him to fuck off.

The only thing i would say is this, it might be that your LO is taking just what she needs at each BF and using it as comfort, could you try giving her a bottle of formula (the six month plus full fat jobbie) last thing, which might tide her over for the night or longer periods and bf the rest of the time?

MarlaSinger · 24/09/2008 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Pryor · 24/09/2008 19:58

Thanks for all the replies. It is good to see others have had similar experiences.
overthehill thanks for the reference.

I agree with all of you who said I need to talk to dh. I suppose the problem is that no matter what he says I am going to continue bfing so it doesn't really feel like a discussion; more like me telling him what I am going to do.

Mayorquimby you are right about me being unreasonable to keep secrets from dh. It is ludicrous really, especially as it is making me feel guilty about bfing!

OP posts:

magnolia74 · 24/09/2008 20:09

Ds1 is 22 months still b/f and still an awful sleeper
But I haven't b/f him at night since he was a year and it didn't make any difference to his sleeping
I hope you manage to speak to your dh and he understands that at 7 months comfort is still wanted and needed x

falcon · 24/09/2008 20:13

I'd tell him I'll be breastfeeding her and that;s that. It's quite common for babies of her age to still wake at night for feeds, their stomachs are so small and they're growing so rapidly.

Besides she'll still get so many benefits from being breastfed.

jimmyjammys · 24/09/2008 20:59

I stopped bf DS at 10 months because i thought switching to formula would make him sleep better - it did not and it is my biggest regret. He never got sick when I was breastfeeding and since I gave up it seems like he is continually ill with something or other and he still isn't sleeping through. Just tell your husband that you will continue bf and you will stop when you feel ready. Formula is not the answer and will only give you a new set of problems. All the best!

thumbwitch · 24/09/2008 21:36

Pryor, if you explain your reasons for continuing to bf your DD, but be firm that you ARE going to continue, your DH should be fine with it - after all, you both want what is best for your DD!

It didn't sound to me like you had agreed to the no bfing overnight, just that you agreed to his concept that it might just be for comfort; but still, it is a bit silly to keep it a secret from him, especially as he is trying to help the situation.

My DH did ask me the other day how long I planned on continuing to bf DS and I told him that it would be at least a year and then see how it goes after that; but I wouldn't consider giving it up before the year (unless forced to through things beyond my control) and he won't shift me from that position (because there is no good reason to stop!)

Original poster

Pryor · 24/09/2008 22:22

Well I have talked to dh and although he neither agrees nor understands he is fine about it. He thinks I will be causing more problems for the future, but I have agreed to try and sooth dd in another way before bfing her.
He thinks dd needs to be able to send herself to sleep without a prop. He is right but I think I will be more comfortable trying to get her to do this when she is over 1.

Thanks for everyones messages, they have helped alot.

OP posts:

TinkerBellesMum · 24/09/2008 22:38

I'm still feeding my 26 month old and I'm 21 weeks into my next pregnancy, don't worry about causing more problems. She is a baby and still needs her mummy, there is no need to push her to grow up, allow her to do it naturally.

callmeovercautious · 24/09/2008 22:55

Pryor - I am glad he has agreed with you to some extent. And yes self settling is a skill they need to learn but tbh they all do given time. DD improved dramatically by about a year old and now (24m) she still bfs at night but has her milk and looks at me all sleepy and asks for her cot

I see BFing now as usful in 2 ways - firstly it is a cheap and nutritional part of her diet that helps us bond at the end of the day - just like with a newborn. Secondly it is a tool for when they are poorly. DD has been though a head injury, chickenpox and numerous colds etc this year. If I had not been BFing her I really believe we would have had more distress. Had she been FF from birth then we would have learnt other means of comfort but as BFing is her ultimate in comfort it would be cruel to deny her before she is able to be reasoned with or chooses to stop on her own. Just our situation of course - everyone has a different relationship with BFing their DC.

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