Another MIL Bashing...but I don't think I am!

[squilly]

WARNING...This is long....

My MIL has always been a bit of a charmer. I had to post a while ago to seek advice on how to deal with her poison after she'd called my 7 year old dd monkey legs (cos she's got hairy legs ).

I thought we'd sorted this out. I told DH to talk to her in the sternest terms and he said MIL wasn't happy, but then she wasn't going to be, was she? SHE wasn't happy?! Still..I let it lie because my dd loves her nany and vice versa.

Anyway...now dd has come back from a weekend at MIL's saying, 'why does nanny not like you mummy'. I smiled and said, why do you think nanny doesn't like me sweetie? only to find that mil'd moaned and grumbled, then ranted and raved and slammed her bedroom door about me after I'd left. SIL was at house too, so not neglectful, but a tad dramatic, doncha think?

There had been tension when I dropped dd off cos DD had been poorly and MIL, just for a change, had been giving advice repeatedly and very forcefully. I had played it down for about half an hour, but finally, I said, I think I'd better go and left. I was clearly winding her up by not accepting everything she said and she was clearly getting more cross!

I left rather than cause a scene in front of my girl. Clearly that's a consideration his Mum wouldn't make.

Am I being unreasonable to not want dd to go see mil so often? At the moment dd goes once a week for a whole day, sometimes overnight.

I know I'm lucky to have is kind of support on hand, but the cost is getting too high. Every few weeks there's some kind of trauma and I'm managing to play it down right now..

Should I:-

a) Tell SIL that dd is coming home and reporting everything MIL says, so she should be more careful?

b) Stop dd going to the house so often, to reduce the amount of time she's in this environment

c) Pop something in MIL's tea, plead ignorance when she keels over did and look forward to a life of peace and tranquility.

What d'you reckon???

Because it's nice for men not to have to be adults around their mums. Bit of mumsy refuge from RL, I think. If they had to have a difficult conversation with them, it would mean that comfort could go.

As my DH told me, "She's the first woman I ever loved. She can't do wrong because she brought me up," I guess my mum and dad are the first man and woman I ever loved but I can see their failings as well as their positives. Weird. It's weird.

Am with the others who suggest speaking to your MIL directly.

Tell her that it is not acceptable to behave like that in front of DD. Explain that no matter what goes on between the 2 of you, you would not criticise her (as DD's grandmother) in front of DD and as her mother you expect the same respect from MIL.

If she thinks that is not acceptable then she can expect to see less of DD.

End of discussion. Hopefully that will shut her up. Tell your DH what you are going to say/have said so that there can be no chance of MIL twisting your words to make you out to the the unreasonable one.

There are loads of things I would like to get off my chest to my MIL but unfortunately she does not speak English and I don't speak her language well enough to explain things clearly enough. So, am left faffing about with a dictionary while she gets away with saying anything she likes to me (I understand well but just don't speak) - very frustrating!

Thanks for all the comments and advice. The MIL is called madnanny partly at her own request.. She likes to think she's eccentric. It's also the way we excuse some of the strange behaviour we know dd has to put up with. Eg...MIL gives daughter toys, but she has to leave them at nanny's so she can look after them. Lately, dd has started to insist on bringing some things home. Nanny says that she mustn't let her friends play with them. We say, oh that's just nanny being a bit mad...hence the name evolves of madnanny. It sounds bad, but it's the kind of thing that a lot of families do, I think, to diffuse difficult situations. It's not a secret thing. Nanny calls herself mad too, so it's kind of affectionate...though writing this down, I now see it could be misconstrued!

DH doesn't get on with his own mum particularly well. A few weeks ago I stuck up for her over something and he said, squilly, she's evil. She's not saying stuff inadvertently...she means every word and she wants to create as much chaos around her as she can. I know her much better than you and she's evil.

I now know that DH won't say stuff to her because he likes an easy life. He also won't go to see her unless he absolutely has to. What does that tell you.

Part of me finds that heartbreaking, as a mum myself. Part of me thinks, well, if your own kids can't love you, what chance you got????

Will talk to Darling SIL I think...see how things go from there. Luckily DD isn't very secretive, so will grass up nanny at any opportunity

she knows your dd repeated thngs - and this will lead to

you withdrawing contact

which leads to

more dramatics - child being withheld by brutal mother from nanna

• i would try this

a) if you have the balls - and i don't - you could say that dd has been repeating things said about you and that in future could you do it out of earshot

b) if she is to go to her nanas, your dh needs to take her and have all responsability.

you have all the child free time

and zero stress or comeback.

B! It's option B!! from custardo, DON'T GET INTO A WAR!! They drag you down to their level, they play hard and dirty and beat you with experience! It's not your problem get DH to sort it out and don't take it personally. I know I have had a right ol do with mine, I have stepped right back now and trust me it's the best way. By the sounds of it your's like's a good barney too and a bit of drama, don't get sucked in.

I think you're right Custardo. And DH is going to have to take dd from now or she's not going, so that'll sort out my stress levels. If that rattles her cage a bit, so be it.

I intend to restrict my contact with MIL to Christmas Day, birthdays and odd days here and there. As you say, that cuts the stress levels down and reduces further chance of friction.

And I won't be done for a criminal offence, which has to be a bonus as at the moment, I'm in severe danger of committing GBH and landing myself in nick! Then she'd get MORE time with my dd and have even more chance to slag me off.

I sometimes wish I'd been born in the Kray Twins days. Then I could have paid someone to discreetly 'sort her awt'.

BTW Guitar girl...I'm so sorry you have to put up this shite in a different language. Most dictionaries don't have the swear words you sometimes need on these occasions.

And evil, old and bitch come so many pages apart, it would take you days to get a really good row going. I'd imagine that would take the steam out of things a bit though, looking on the bright side