To be nervous about their wedding - long!

[MrsEwanMcGregor]

DH and I have been friends with another couple for about 15 yrs. DH and he are BFs and joined at the hip.

She and I had been close on and off throught 15 yrs. Sometimes seeing each other every day and others not seeing each other for weeks at a time. Regardless, I loved her very much and was devastated when she died in January this year. She had cancer and was ill for 3 yrs and I have a lot of guilt about not seeing her much while she was ill - it's complicated and guilt feelings not helping!

Anyway - he is getting married again in October (soon I know but trying not to be judgemental as he and kids seem very happy and it's not my place to say whether he should or shouldn't marry again).

My problem is I am worried that I am going to get really upset at the wedding. Feelings still very raw over friend and find it hard to see him and new partner together. I don't want to cause a scene or ruin their day. DH sympathetic but no question that we have to go - I am still close to him and also like to be there for their kids sake.

Any ideas on how to cope or am I being a wimp?

I don't think you're being a wimp

I'd be getting emotional, too

Obviously I don't know the background or details but it does seem very quick to be re-marrying

did they love each other very much ?

If so, focus on that, someone who was deeply loved has gone on to love again and that is really beautiful and because of her. Her legacy is that he gets to love fully again, as do her children.

Mrs McG.... I am sure he will have mixed feelings too, bound to really. Perhaps if you talk through all of your feelings before hand you will have given yourself enough space to feel them and then the actual day can be about new beginnings and as Laurie so beautifully put it, it's her legacy.

Not unreasonable at all, but you need to sort yourself out for him and the kid's sake before the day.
All I can suggest is talk it all out with your dh/mum/ whoever so you've calmed down. Put yourself in his position - I think the comfort of a loving adult is understandable at this point - shocking for you, but as you say you may be projecting your unresolved guilt on to the situation. He may have done some of his grieving whilst she was ill and may have even got her blessing - you just don't know.
Sit at the back and paint your smile on, then go home and cry. Awful situation for you, but people have to grab happiness whilst they can.

They probably did discuss the future whilst she was ill and perhaps she wanted her children to have a step-mum, perhaps she also didn't want her DH to be lost, lonely and unable to care properly for the children whilst working etc etc

Has you DH not ever touched on the subject with his friend?

Thanks all for your words of wisdom! I really don't begrudge them all a happy life. I am delighted that the kids are getting a loving mother figure and of course I want their dad to be happy.

And thanks Laurie for putting it so nicely.

I do beleive that MN is better than therapy!

I think it will be an emotional day for all involved and there will be lots of tears.

Tell everyone you have some hay fever, take nose squirty stuff where people can see. Dig nails into hand to take your mind off it. Practice expressing congratulations before you go, have some phrases ready incase you begin to lose it and arnt thinking. Dont wear mascara. You may cope a lot better than you think you will.

I am the sort of person who hold it in and holds it in until its all come out in a flood of tears.

I think lots of people there (your friends parents/other friends) will be similarly emotional. Don't worry about it. Think about it as another time you can say goodbye to her with others that love her.

In the John Cleese and Robin Skynner book "Families and how to survive them" they say that, contrary to popular belief, it's the couples who had very happy marriages that go on to remarry quite quickly afterwards, if one of them dies. It's because they don't have any baggage. It makes sense to me, because if you had a difficult marriage with a lot of resentment, you would have a lot of extra guilt and confused feelings, whereas if you really loved the person then you could just get on with the grieving process.

Would thinking about that help?

By the way, I tend to get very emotional and chocked up at weddings, even though I've never been in your position. I bet you won't be the only one to shed a tear, and it wouldn't be inappropriate at all (as long as you're not sobbing audibly into DH's shoulder ).