Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be so horribly intolerant of disorganised mum :(

47 replies

mamazee · 16/09/2008 20:45

i had arranged with 2 friends to meet up once a week. in the morning (because of toddler naps in pm) at 9.30 am...have lunch home for naps.
one mum cool fine..other mum all over the place, always cancels etc mum one goes to pick her up (she doesn't drive) and she isn't dressed, her son has not eaten, nappy needs changing. so all our plans are set back by hours.
i am not anal about routine for my ds but he has only just dropped his morning nap, needs to eat lunch before 2 pm and needs to nap for 1 1/2 to 2 hours waking before 4 or he gets over tired, won't eat, cries...just generally suffers unnecessarily. he CAN do it and i do just do a 40 min buggy/car seat nap once a week ish , but my preference is not.

i am not organised, live in chaos, am not great at housework so am in no way at all a super mum but if i have arranged to be somewhere ESPECIALLY if they have kids, i try and get there on time...i know how hard it is to have to wait in with an energy filled toddler (i live in a one bed flat with no garden) and for ds to expect people and them be hours late (other mum arranged to meet her at midday one day and they finally met at 5.30 ??
i know it is hard to be on time with a toddler but i am generally within half an hour of when i said i would be somewhere.

i also try to arrange stuff to do most days in the morn with ds either friends or group or swimming but can't do anything if i am waiting in.i feel horribly resentful as i wait to which i detest in myself

i really really like this chaotic mum (she is kind of intellectual eccentric mama)and feel crap that i am being so judgemental but it really does my head in
if she could drive we could carry on but it all kind of hinges on her.
i have tried having it all at mine so my ds can nap ...needless to say he absolutely would not nap with 2 toddlers in other room !

what can i do to make this work.
it was my suggestion too so maybe i was asking too much? i thought it would be a simple, once a week arrangement !?
or maybe we just need to let go of any routine on Wednesdays and follow her lead and see how it goes ?
maybe there is a lesson in all this ?
maybe i need to go out locally and get them to call when they are on their way ?

are there any other disorganised mums out there who can tell me the best way to deal with it?

i have never posted here before so please be easy on me

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 16/09/2008 21:47

Plus, she's arranged to meet the op at 9.30, so she's not on her own timetable because she has four other people to consider - the other two mums, and the other two kids.

I had PND. I DID struggle. But I would NEVER let a friend down without damn good reason because my friends mean the world to me, nobody can have too many friends! If it was important to her, she would do it!

Original poster

mamazee · 16/09/2008 21:49

i think that when we arranged it she did not feel able to voice her concerns, thinking about it now...maybe because she was embarrassed ? who knows ? i wouldn't want to not include her as she could do with support so we will work round it as much as possible.
think meeting somewhere else is best.

OP posts:

fishie · 16/09/2008 21:51

mamazee do you think there is more going on with this friend than just disorganisation?

are you worried about something else? is she ok?

elmoandella · 16/09/2008 21:53

well at 5.30pm i'd have fed my kids and be getting bath and betime routine under way. only visitors i take at that time are adults who can grab a slippery child. not another toddler who's gonna wind up my dc when i'm trying to chill them out.

what time does this mother put her kids to bed. i know someone who puts her kids to bed at 10pm and they get up at 9am. this suits her lifestyle as she's a night owl and kids haven't started school yet.maybe your friend has similar sleep pattern.

TotalChaos · 16/09/2008 21:55

I think it's a case of clashing routines - I would have struggled to get anywhere for 9.30 a.m. with a toddler in tow.

Original poster

mamazee · 16/09/2008 21:57

fishie..i think she is really really struggling and tbh i am struggling to watch her as i had depression years ago but have been blessed to feel the best i have ever felt since ds.
am sure there is tons more going on but its weird with mum friends...i know them but not well at all and we talk about dc alot. i think voicing that you are depressed, bored, going mad is taboo..i have wanted to ask her for ages but haven't known how not sure, having said that that she would be on time were she totally tickety boo though so, on a level its not relevant ?

OP posts:

TheHedgeWitch · 16/09/2008 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mamazee · 16/09/2008 21:58

elmo..she has exactly your friends routine...i don't

OP posts:

BreeVanderCampLGJ · 16/09/2008 21:58

Monkey Trousers

Are you OK ? This is not about this thread, is it ??

SmugColditz · 16/09/2008 22:04

I was not-nine-thirty-mum. We got up at nine thirty, and rarely left the house before lunch time. My friend used to ring me at 8am, and I used to put the phone down on her - not realising she had been up since 5 and she had had enough!

Make it clear that it's fine to make her way round later, when she's sorted, but also make it clear that 5pm isn't an option, as you can't do it.

TotalChaos · 16/09/2008 22:05

since you feel she is struggling - would it not be kinder to try and arrange a mutually convenient get together. I am night bird, my best mummy friend is an early bird - so we just try and work around all our kid's preferences when arranging activities.

Monkeytrousers · 16/09/2008 22:05

No Bree, you'e right. I'm fucked off about a lot of things at the minute and am venting all over MN unreasonabley at the moment. But I am off in search of a fag now which ironcally will help my familt immeasurably I think. I am sorry though

SmugColditz · 16/09/2008 22:08

Go and have a fag and enjoy it MT.

You know, your vents won't feel as good now that you know we know you're venting.

Twinklemegan · 16/09/2008 22:16

My God, lots of us have to get us & our toddlers out of the house by 7.30 and manage it! But I agree 9.30 is a little early for a social meetup if it's not necessary.

Original poster

mamazee · 16/09/2008 22:26

monkey..enjoy your fag..

OP posts:

BreeVanderCampLGJ · 16/09/2008 22:31

I don't smoke, but if I did smoke...so consider them yours.

Original poster

mamazee · 16/09/2008 22:51

thanks everyone. just called mother one and she (chaotic mum) is being referred to counsellor by gp. we are meeting at bf group tomorrow and then in her town after that. feels really good to be being kind to her and not judgemental
i don't have a prob with disorganised mums per say we are all 1st time mums learning the ropes !
i guess the time you meet up is directly related to the time your dc wake up too.
have good evening i am going to sleep.
many thanks and hope you feel better monkey.

OP posts:

expatkat · 16/09/2008 22:57

Wow sounds like your friend is a piece of work and doesn't make any kind of an effort at all.

However. As a severely disorganized mum, let me say

it's almost a kind of disability. If I have too much to juggle or remember, even if I write it down, I get like a robot gone haywrire. I'm bad in office jobs, too, and can't stay on top of bills and admin. And, like her, i don't drive--I used to, but was always having (minor) accidents because driving required more from me cognitively than I was capable of.

Recently I sat in on ds's physiotherapy which is meant to correct his left-brain/right-bran confusion, his slight stammer, and bad processing skills. The physiotherapist had me join in a sort of card game that forces you to use both sides of the brain, and I just couldn't do it, my brain actually "hurt" in the same way it does when I try to do practical things at home. The physiotherapist asked me seriously what if anything I do for a living, and when I said I'm a writer and that I literally can't do anything else, she surmised that actually only one side of my brain is fully switched on.

So honestly I'm not being passive aggressive or anything, it's actually just very hard for me to be organized..

So I suggest maybe be a bit more forgiving while bearing in mind that she's unreliable and isn't likely to change, maybe isn't even capable of changing. Maybe you should tell her to get somewhere 30 minutes before she actually has to be there, and use other little tricks like that.

Monkeytrousers · 16/09/2008 23:02

Ohhhh I used to be a ML smoker - I have had a roll up from a friend and feel much better. Not a smoker still but am playing a dangerous game. Glad you got it sorted Mamazee. Fprgive my rantings.

SmugColdtitz - I think it may stop me lashing out tho, which is better

Buckstopshere · 16/09/2008 23:23

Why do all mums judge each other? everyone has different stuff to deal with, with my first i was never 'presentable' before 11am with my third I have to be up and out to get the other two to school by 8.30. It's always different, more empathy please x

Buckstopshere · 16/09/2008 23:24

i suppose you're all asleep now. I'm having a glass of wine. On my own. (grin)

debzmb62 · 16/09/2008 23:54

god she sounds like me !! i,m always late for everything don,t know why i,m always on top of things i,ve had 5 kids i alway try my best but something nearly always seems to happen just before i going out the door anyway i have a undersatnading family and great freinds and if now after all this time of being late they;d worrie if i was on time !lol mind you some have told me something is starting at a earlier time so i,d be on time lol and i,ve still been late !! also i have been known to be on time for some things but only just !!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread