I am starting a new thread because after writing an epic I'd like someone to read it!
ok have just come back and this thread has grown to ridiculous proportions! with people making all kinds of assumptions...SO I am going to explain the scenario with all the bits however irrelevant for one time and then I will not post on this again because I was only asking ONE question; whether it was reasonable for this man to pick my son up - Not whether or not my son should have been sitting at the table, should be or not be seeing a specialist, should or not been eating out or any of the other things discussed.
RIGHT...
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I went on holiday this year with my youngest alone as my partner couldn't make it and stayed with our older child (just to answer the question of PFB!! etc).
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We went with several families and each of us had our own flat. Before the holiday my Mum gave my son (5) a DVD player for the journey and to keep him occupied because although this was an active (skiing) holiday there were quite a few hours in the day that we weren't skiing and we were alone in the flat in the evenings.
Most evenings we met up with one or more familly for meals out or dinner at our flat or in a cafe. During those times my son did not have his DVD player.
3)My son when he was first born and up until he was about 2 and a half had a kind of reflux that meant he frequently vomitted. I saw a specialist with him and he said it was a kind of retch like when you don't like eating something, sometimes it because something was new, sometimes something he didn't like and sometimes something just went down the wrong way and some children carry on like this for many years.
But he thankfully mainly outgrew this. At 2ish he used to vomit maybe 3 times a week which to the specialist wasn't that bad but from this he developed a fear of many foods. I worked with the specialist for a period of months (at the Harley street allergy clinic - for those doubting that has anything other than fussiness) and the main thing he emphasised was to take the stress from mealtimes and new foods. Of course that can mean a few months (or years) of seeming anti-social in certain environments but this is to try to prevent a lifetime of food phobia developing.
The doctor emphasised that meals must be enjoyable, that food should never be forced, healthy eating - while of course desirable, is in the short term less important than developing an enjoyment of food. This food fear had arised out of his early frequent vomitting. The doctor encouraged me to give him the food he enjoys eating, to SLOWLY introduce new foods - over a period of months and to allow him to decide whether he is hungry or not. He also emphasised that he should sit at the table at home if possible with a family meal time environment but Never to force the issue.
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On the holiday, on incident happened on one of the first nights where my son vomitted at a restaurant. I mentioned this ONLY because it was at this point that I explained to my friend and her husband how although distressing for everyone around us, this was not a symptom of him being ill or as concerning as it might be for other children. I was not worried about it, I knew he was completely fine and on the whole eating in restaurants is never a problem now.
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I also mentioned an incident where my son was hurt in the playground, he fell to the ground and cut his head on ice requiring a couple of stitches. I mentioned this ONLY because I wanted to explain that this man does not seem like a gentle, concerned man like my partner is and did not help me or my son at the time. However, both point 4 and 5 are not relevant to the story but illustrate only that this man was aware of my son's food problems and had not shown much kindness.
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On the last night - we all as a group were going out for dinner. However, the restaurants were booked up so we had to get takeaways. None of the flats were big enough for everyone so two families ate together and my friend suggested we ate our takeaway at their flat.
It was quite late at this point (probably about 7.30/8pm which for my son is late. Their daughter (3) is used to eating late as they both work and she is not yet at school and they eat together at around this time and she goes to bed at about 9.30pm. However, my son is used to 5.30/6pm suppers and 7.30 bedtimes. This was therefore late for him and he had eaten something earlier. I had been planning to take him to the restaurant where he is always well behaved but doesn't necessarily eat much and then bed by 8.30.
However, as the evening didn't go to plan we were at my friend's flat with a takeaway at about 8ish.
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I picked up my son's DVD player on the way to their flat as I knew he wouldn't eat that late and decided not to make him sit at the table as he had eaten and this was essentially a meal for the adults. I thought it was more sociable for me to eat with them than alone and as we were leaving the following day we didn't have to be up early and could sleep in and he could therefore go to bed a bit later.
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Their daughter had not eaten and was sitting at the table. I would have asked my son to come to the table BUT not insisted on it as he had eaten, and was chilling out after a fairly active day before bed. It was not a mealtime for him but one that he could have participated in if he had wanted to.
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The food was frankfurters and chips - the takeaway had that or burgers. The only reason I mention this is because these are not foods my son has tried and is unlikely to try anything just put in front of him. (The method that has worked for him is a gradual introduction to new things, i.e. me eating something every day for a few days, then putting a little bit on a side plate for him, then picking it up...etc, etc).
Over a period of many months his eating problems have improved so much it is fantastic. I still have to remind myself to not stress about meals but he eats so much more and is beginning to show an actual real enjoyment of food, something I thought he would never have. To those of you who don't know what it is like to have a child who is frightened of food, it is such a relief when you realise that this (through the work with the specialist) is not going to last a lifetime as some children do.
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For all the reasons above, I decided that it was not necessary to make him sit at the table but would be preferable for him to sit quietly watching his DVD with his headphones. Maybe that WAS the wrong thing to do in a social enviroment but I felt that given my friend and her husband knew about his food problems, that we were on holiday, he was tired, he had eaten, there was nothing he would want to eat - for all these reasons he didn't need to sit at the table to watch us eat.
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the question...I wanted to know if you thought it reasonable that my friend's husband should pick him up and put him at the table?
To me that was not reasonable because to me that is what I would do if I thought it appropriate, not someone else and also what you might do to a much younger child - maybe a 2 or 3 year old. Maybe I'm in the minority here but I don't intervene with other people's children, other people's ways while they are they there. Of course, if I was minding someone else's child while they weren't there, in my own house, I would do things my way.
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Finally, the reason I didn't put all these points down in the original post was because most of them I didn't feel were relevant to the question. Perhaps they are I don't know but it would have taken a very long time, like this post has done.
Three final points to address the questions that people have asked so hopefully this really will be my last post on the subject.
a) I mentioned HV not consultant initially because I didn't want the entire thread to turn into a discussion about food phobias which is what half of it has done
b) I don't like my friend's husband but only discovered this on the holiday. Prior to this I had thought him nice, although my partner had always been dubious.
c) I don't normally let my son watch a DVD instead of sitting at the table.
d) This holiday was a while ago as you may have gathered by the fact it was a skiing holiday. To answer the question as to whether there is a problem at school - no thank God there isn't. My son is in Year 1 and of course I have had to mention the vomitting and it has happened a couple of times, by and large his eating as a result of the work with the consultant has improved to the extent that many meals are now eaten with enthusiasm rather than fear.
e) As to why I have mentioned all this now...6 months later. It is because my friend has asked us if they can come and stay later in the year. My answer will of course be 'no', because he would be coming (her husband) and neither I nor my partner like him. (Although of course I can't say that!!!) But I mentioned it because I wanted to know whether or not it was a normal occurance to simply pick someone else's child up and plonk them at the table or whether I was being oversensitive.
f) I had no idea that to ask a question such as this I would have to write such a detailed explanation of every single point but I now realise that for some reason it is such an emotive issue with some of you that I did have to.
THERE...I really hope that is everything coverered!!