To think SIL could be a tad more gracious?

[crimbo2008]

Dh's niece is getting married in America this Christmas.

All 4 of us have been invited, but money is tight, neither mine nor dh's jobs are very secure, and we can't all afford to go.

SIL (mother of the bride and dh's older sister) offered to help towards DH's flight so that he could go alone.

I wasn't thrilled about the idea, but told him if he really wanted to go, then he should.

Dc and I had a weekend away together a few weeks ago when he was working - and he missed us like mad..made him realise he'd find it hard being a long way away from us at what is a family time of year.

So, when we were all at her house, he told SIL thanks for the offer, he'd considered it carefully, but he didn't feel he could be away from us for the wedding, and we couldn't all afford to go.

SIL harumphed, turned her back and said in a very cantankerous tone "oh well, it's up to you" (hard to get across her tone here, but it was quite nasty).

I bit my lip, couldn't be bothered to say anything, but was at her reaction.

Dh pretended not to notice, but both dc remarked on it later (without either me or dh referring to it at all). Dc1 said "Aunty x was a bit off with you daddy" - they'd been facing her and said they saw her turn away quite angrily and flounce into the kitchen(I had had my back to her and heard enough from her voice).

Dh maintains she'd been very understanding in all the discussions he'd had with her previously..not sure I believe that, I think she'd been trying to pressurise him and blames me for him not going...which isn't the case.

There...feel better now that rant is over...not worth having a row with her about, but wanted to get it off my chest.

My BIL is getting married in USA next year - both he and his fiancee are british, no ties to US, they just fancy it. We're really worried about it. It's a huge amount of money for us - it would cost us 20% of our annual income to do what they originally asked (go for a whole week, stay in same hotel they are getting married in, go on various events/dinners with them), and when we explain that we'll need to limit what we do, and will do whatever we can afford (which will still be a big reach for us), they get upset. It's a PITA, and I feel for you. Wish I could tell them how selfish they are being, but even the slightest comment that we might not be able to be there in time for the rehearsal dinner is treated as if we were pissing on the wedding cake. Bah!

YANBU, she is.

We've been invited to friends' wedding in Sydney in December / January, so they have picked the absolutely most expensive time of year. They say they picked then so people could also spend Christmas there together.

We simply cannot afford to go, after we knew we were invited we priced it and just flights would have been about £5K - 6K. Plus the cost of DH's time off work, the costs there, the accommodation in Sydney (no family there), dress, suit and present for the wedding, etc, etc. Plus it's a hell of a flight at the best of times (last did it in March and DS2 is more moblie now so it would be even worse).

It's so sad when you have to miss family / friend's wedding just due to cost and distance, but that is a fact of life, which your SIL should recognise!

Dh phoned his niece last night and she cried when he told her - so she obviously did want at least him to be there...she said she knew some people wouldn't be able to come when she planned it, but had expected we would be able to.

The general economic climate (flight prices increases and worry about our jobs) have made a difference - I think if we felt more secure we'd have borrowed the money and just gone.

Becster - your situation sounds even more stressful - at least our bride is understanding, if disappointed - good luck with it.

I suggest your dh has the discussions and makes it clear he's making the decisions jointly with you - my dh spoke to SIL again yesterday and emphasised that as we both suspected I was being blamed for stopping him going.

Where on earth this all this having weddings as far away as possible from family and then expecting them to spend thousands getting there come from???

Was talking to my sis yesterday and she was telling me that they (her and her DH) were supposed to be going to a wedding in a few weeks. The bride and groom and most of their families and friends are from X. The wedding is in Y which means an overnight. No ties to Y. No reason except slightly cheaper per head for bride and groom. So that means leaving their DCs for a night. So my sis and her DH had a look at the hotel and decided to go for a few days beforehand and make a break of it and take the children as they can't get anyone to have them overnight. Quite a few of their friends were planning the same. Groom told BIL at stag on Sat that children were not welcome. They were planning on spending a heck of a lot of money that they can ill afford to be there. It's all madness.

I know what you mean. We're getting married somewhere else because most of our family live there - not all, but most. And we realise it means fewer friends turning up.

Humm sounds like your SIL is stepping neatly into your MIL's shoes - you are the enemy who has 'taken' her brother away!! How naughty of you to have a claim on him, so she can't be in charge of him anymore!!! tsk tsk

YANBU, life is life. Flights are HIDEOUSLY expensive (and environmentally costly also) over Christmas, and to the US especially. Maybe you could arrange a bbq / buffet lunch for them and some family who couldn't make it when they come back?

It sounds like your niece is trying to get away from her mother's influence by having the wedding out of her 'sphere of influence' - clever girl.

Zazen - you're spot on there.

When dh and I got married 20 years ago, we had a very small wedding - at his insistence, he's a quiet person who doesn't like big parties.

But SIL got the hump that we hadn't invited hordes of their aunties and cousins (each of his parents was one of 7, so there were loads of these).

SIL organised a party at her house about a week before our wedding, without consulting me and choosing the night I'd earmarked for my hen night, and inviting all the aunties and cousins. So there's history here!

When we planned out wedding in Scotland we were aware that some of our friends and family from Germany would not be able to attend. We were disappointed that not all the family was there, particularly DH's Oma, but we would not have expected them to be their.

The whole getting married somewhere else business after having a henny weekend somewhere else is a bit baffling.

to be there not their

YANBU ..... in the current climate, you have to take steps to look after your immediate family - that's your partner and your children - before spending anything else on anyone else.

No-one begrudges a couple getting married when, where and how they want but if it's their dream, they cannot expect other people to pay for it. A lot of families can't even afford a basic family holiday now let alone a fancy bash in a destination they'd never have chosen to visit normally.

Becster - your situation sounds appalling. For the sake of your sanity and your security you do need to tell them how selfish they are being. 20% of your annual income is just crazy .... even more so when it's for a pair who are shamelessly emotionally blackmailing you.

What a crap time of year to get married abroad I mean Christmas is expensive enough without having to spend thousands to go to a wedding If your bothered about it explain to your Niece hopefully she will understand

Sorry just seen you have spoke to your niece. How about suggesting you have a get together after the wedding YANBU they are to expect people to have that kind of money at a drop of a hat and even thou they have said they will pay for your DH they should pay for you all.

Apparently they are planning a party back in the UK afterwards - we haven't had any more information than that - we'll go along of course and it would be good to have a party to look forward to in the New Year.

I've offered to help with it if needed.

That sounds perfect Crimbo. Your niece sounds lovely (and smart).

I'd let the SIL take the lead in the arrangements if she wants - you'll be scapegoat for anything going 'wrong' in her eyes if you're too involved - just bring something unusual - some lovely champagne is always welcome - and it's cheap in MnS at the moment. look out for 6 for 5 offers and store it.

I've got a sort of similar situation with my mum and my DH - my DH 'took' me away from her, and she's not forgiven him.

My Mum used to be able to get me to do things for her out of guilt (she's a widow and I'm her only child in the country blah blah) and only when I married DH did he suggest that what was going on wasn't really healthy, so now I'm not looking after my mum anymore, I have my own family, and my life's much better.