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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think seven is too young for boarding school? long!

52 replies

nowirehangers · 14/09/2008 20:46

I honestly would love some people to tell me IABU and explain to me why going to boarding school at seven is not a bad thing because I am truly baffled by this
OK, so dh has an old friend from uni, very sweet guy if a bit screwed up married to a very high achieving wife: head girl, first from Oxford, kick-ass city career etc
She has two dds aged 3 and about four months. When she was pg with her dd1 she made a big deal about how she was going back to work full time and getting a full-time live-in nanny. Fair enough, I thought, as I work part time myself and have a nanny I am certainly not one to judge.
But the other day when chatting at a party about the pros and cons of bringing up dds in London, she said "Well, of course it won't be a problem for us because I'm sending dd1 to boarding school when she's seven"
I thought she was joking and laughed but she went on "No, you see, dh works very long hours and I don't fancy being at home alone in the evening with just me and the dds. I think she'll have much more fun at boarding school."
She went on to say she'd started boarding school at eight and loved it and then told me about a friend who'd just sent her ds to boarding school at seven because he found his younger siblings boring and he cried whenever his parents went out in the evening saying 'be with me'. They thought he'd be happier in an environment with his contemporaries.
Now am i getting this all wrong? It strikes me seven is WAY too young to be sent away from your parents. The wanting to be with friends all the time thing comes much later, I thought, and even when it does kids still need far more parental input than they think they do.
Or maybe not.
The whole thing seems even screwier in tnat she's always said she wants four dcs, despite not being maternal - her words - in the slightest. Her dh works these ludicrous hours as a lawyer partly because they want to send all four to boarding school whih seems like a catch 22 since she's blaming his long hours in part for this decision.
I just feel really sad for this sweet little girl. The mum added she'd really miss her but it would be in the child's best interests so she'd have to bite her lip and put up with it.
Please someone tell me that going to boarding school so young can be a positive thing and this woman is talking sense. Because right now I think she's a loony and it's really getting me down.

OP posts:
ChacunaSonGout · 14/09/2008 22:02

the other thread is much more condemnatory

apostrophe · 14/09/2008 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pgwithnumber3 · 14/09/2008 22:08

As much as I don't have experience of boarding school, I really think you are off loading your children by sending them at age 7 and the older they get, the more they will realise it. Why have children at all?

mabanana · 14/09/2008 22:10

I am sick of reading gushing features in the glossies about women who have successful businsses or some twee startup and upteen kids and it's all 'ooh, and she is such a supermum' and the kids are all at boarding school! You are just outsourcing all your parenting. I think people who have lots of kids and then send them all to boarding school just love the kudos of having a big family but can't be bothered with the actual boring drag of bringing them up.

troubledfriend · 14/09/2008 22:19

7 is too young
my bil who went to a top boarding school says any age is too young. He views it as a from of severe cruelty

ScottishMummy · 14/09/2008 22:24

read the op title thinking it related to op not some long whine & bitch about someone else

stop bellyaching and bitching and casting aspersions.

tell me do you say this to her face or just bitch to a bunch of strangers. you are a right ticket

your language and tone is quite nasty, really

why?

Twiglett · 14/09/2008 22:34

mytetherisrising ... I judge.

blackrock · 14/09/2008 22:34

I didn't go to boarding school, but have friends who did and loved it, and also friends that 'really' hated it. So, I guess its success is dependent on many factors. If the culture of the family is for this to happen, then the children will be more at ease and accepting.

I taught in a residential summer camp, where several seven year olds came straight from boarding, to summer camp for eight weeks, then returned to boarding school. Some of these children had a holiday with parents for a couple of weeks. None seemed unhappy. Some were extremely independent in organisation and emotionally.

I met some of the parents, and have to say on the description they gave of their working lives, perhaps the children were better off elsewhere, although one starts to ask the question of the point of having children...although perhaps they wanted a relationship later in their children's lives when the children have become adults themselves?

I guess it depends on what you see as important in life... success, money, family, or a balance. Each to their own, and not all agree!

PixelHerder · 14/09/2008 22:58

wannaBe I met up with an old school friend recently - she started boarding very young, around 7 I think. She was popular and did well, and was always one of the 'cool' kids - but she said that having had children of her own she would never send them to boarding school and it's now hard to get her head around the fact that she was around the same age as her own young children when she went.

It just struck me because I would have thought that if anyone would have been a proponent she would have been, but she definitely wasn't.

Ashantai · 15/09/2008 00:20

Hmm general feel for ex boarders seems to be it was ok for them but they wouldnt send their kids to boarding school.

As much as my kids drive me up the wall, i'd miss them too much, plus i havent got 2 pennies to rub together to afford it

I totally understand people who are in situations where they have to do this, but if you really dont have to, then why would you want someone else bringing your kids up?

drivinmecrazy · 15/09/2008 00:34

I went to boarding school when I was old enough to choose, at fourteen. My brother was sent when he was eleven and boy, did it screw him up!! DH works away so at week ends he takes DDs out to give me a break, all I do is think about them and miss them like crazy. (then they come back and all I do is shout at them for making a hideous noise/mess) can't imagine them this young being away from me, although I LOVED boarding school when I was older. Hope I can give them the same choices when they are in their teens, but not before.

Mumi · 15/09/2008 00:59

Whether it's great for the parents, kids or both, or whether it's not, either way they'll never get that time with each other back...

jawjawnotwarwar · 15/09/2008 01:06

eww she sounds awful. From what you say, she is probably living life like one big advert to show everyone what a brilliant, powerful and superior person she is. i.e. ego mad and probably a bit (a lot) narcissistic, and therefore not able to love anyone but herself.

Why would any humanitarian parent send their kids away? Unless there were problems at home or something and they'd be better off. Or they actually wanted to go.

ScottishMummy · 15/09/2008 01:16

hold dem glistening pitchforks high!mercy that anyone else might do something different from you.

quick march shout at dem boarding school, parents.why did they bother having children

hey why don't you ring the doorbell and ask them, seeing y'all so bothered y'all

do let me know what they say after they telephone the police to collect the frothing loons at the gate

dittany · 15/09/2008 01:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScottishMummy · 15/09/2008 01:36

you got your priddy lil matches for da priddy torch hun

HarrietTheSpy · 15/09/2008 07:39

It is normal for some people, whose families have always done it. It was only when I came to this country that I actually met someone who went as young as six though - fourteen or fifteen is usual, if you're going to do it, in the US. To be fair, the people I know who went young loved it, although I'm sure there are those who hated it. Most were there because their parents were working in 'unsafe' parts of the world or otherwise moving around a lot so it would have meant changing schools loads, etc.

Emotionally I couldn't cope with the arrangement, culturally way off base for me. Not every child hates it, but personally wouldn't risk it!!!!!!

ChacunaSonGout · 15/09/2008 14:57

scottish - do you protest a wee bit too much?

Original poster
nowirehangers · 15/09/2008 18:06

I don't know how I managed to post this thread twice, apologies
To answer a couple of questions - I feel very sad because my dd is the same age as the other dd and they get on very well. She is a gorgeous little girl and I am very fond of her. To me it seems wrong to send a child away so early when there is no need at all to do so.
That was a kneejerk reaction I posted the thread asking - I thought - clearly if people could explain why going to boarding school so young might not be a bad idea after all. Some people have answered that. Thank you.
Scottishmummy - I'm sorry you can't see that. I am not trying to bitch or cast aspersions but to understand a decision which confuses me. Why are you getting so worked up about it?
If you look at the other thread I say this woman is obviously a loving, caring mother. That's why I find the decision odd because to me I don't see how it should be in the child's best interests.
And btw I'm not blaming the career-mad mother for this decision. I was talking to her about it, not the father, so can only quote what she said but it's obviously just as much responsibility as his, just as he's chosen to have a job that allows him very little family time.I have no problem with working mothers at all.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 15/09/2008 19:10

you were clearly worked up enough to post and said it's really getting me down.i think it is a harsh mean post

peppered with words things like "I think she's a loony" and "even screwier" despite this you assert you are not one to judge.

Oh Aye right - you just decimated her character and choices

not too your liking fair enough,but you fair put the boot in

Original poster
nowirehangers · 15/09/2008 19:16

I said
"right now I think she's a loony and it's really getting me down"
Because I don't like having that reaction about someone's decision. I was trying to understand it. Other people have helped me understand it a bit, though many also seem to share my reaction that it's an odd thing to do
I don't see why it's decimating her character to report what she said to me and my gut reaction. You obviously feel differently.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 15/09/2008 19:20

frankly it is a soft target,come kick someone post.career mum ft work considering boarding school well lordy that will not get plaudits on mumsnet will it

anyway,clearly we disagree. fair enough

Twiglett · 15/09/2008 19:32

it's a soft target because it's a crap decision to send a 7 year old to a boarding school. End of subject for many people. Yes I know people do it, but that makes them crap in my eyes.. totally and utterly unworthy of having children.

Original poster
nowirehangers · 15/09/2008 19:47

I know it's a soft target which is why I thought before posting and said I would like people to tell me iabu and give me good reasons why, I genuinely wanted to know. I didn't want to give her a random kicking I wanted to understand her rationale.
I also pointed out I work and have a nanny and am not going to maul wohm mothers and the like.
Some people have put the boot in
Some people have said it's fine in certain cirs
I wanted to hear from the latter but also know from the former that I wasn't alone in thinking this strange. I was surprised how upset I was by another person's decision as normally I don't give a fark what other people do with their dcs and wanted to know if this kind of reaction was normal. You say not. Others say yes. End of.

OP posts:
noonki · 15/09/2008 20:01

my cousin was sent to a boarding school when he was 7 hardly ever saw his parents even in the holidays -

he was a real bully, and looking back the reason why was that he was massively insecure

i think it is very sad that people would not want to spend as much time a spossible with their kids,

the time goes so fast

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