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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never speak to my family again

14 replies

imnotbarbie · 14/09/2008 17:10

I know that I am not BU but would be interested in other POV's.I have name changed. It is long - sorry.

I did not have a good childhood, basically my mother showed me no love or affection and my father showed very little. My father was violent to my mother and agressive towards us. I was also abused by another family member.

I had pushed alot of this to the back of my mind and had an ok relationship with my parents.

My cousin came to visit me, my DH and my 3 kids. She had not seen my youngest who was then 2. She was more like a sister growing up. My cousin came to my house and showed no in interest in my kids, infact she called my oldest son some pretty nasty names which I put her straight on.

When she left I told my parents what had happened and they jumped to her defence! Then my mother started a barrage of abuse towards me and my DH , I mean really nasty stuff out of the blue. This went on for weeks in the end I told her not to contact me until she had changed her attituide.

So she kept ringing and I ignored her calls, I have an answerphone - she did'nt leave messages. then a few months later my mother turned up on my doorstep. My DH answered the door and she started shouting at him, i then came to the door and she did the same to me. I closed the door, she eventually went away.

Since then I have recieved phonecalls in the middle of the night from their number and a couple of really nasty letters with loads of lies in.

I am scared that she will show up again. I just want them to leave us alone. they are toxic.

OP posts:

BouncingTurtle · 14/09/2008 17:14

That is so awful

Can you change your telephone number? At least that will stop the 'phone calls.

I don't blame you for not wanting to see them again if that is how they treat you. I believe there is a support thread for people with toxic parents, the stately homes thread? I think it is in Relationships.

Original poster

imnotbarbie · 14/09/2008 17:18

Thanks BouncingTurtle,

I am going to have their number barred. I have been scared to do it in case it provokes them but it upsets me every time they do it.

I'll have a look at that thread.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 17:21

cut them off.

my first cousin on my mum's side had to do this to his loser dad, who did stuff when he was growing up like sell his son's games consoles and games to get money for gambling.

the final straw came when Jeff, my cousin, who has the same name as hid dad, came home from the Navy on leave from Japan.

on his way back to see our family, he was pulled over for busted tailight.

only to be told there were warrants for his arrest.

his dad had been using his identity for 2 years to commit MAJOR fraud/identity theft.

Jeff had to prosecute his dad, who had a record of offenses like this so long he was sentenced to 4 years in prison!

Jeff still has problems getting credit.

he's not spoken to his dad since.

hecate · 14/09/2008 17:23

Yes, have their number barred. Also report to the police everything they do as harassment of you, so there is proof, a history - in case you ever need to do anything more.

Go to a solicitor and have them write a letter saying that if any further attempt is made to contact you, you will apply for a restraining order.

A formal letter from a solicitor makes most people stop and think!

Original poster

imnotbarbie · 14/09/2008 17:25

Hecate,

I'm just worried that this will provoke them into trying to take my kids (i Know this is unlikely) or trying to get access.

OP posts:

Seabright · 14/09/2008 17:37

This is harassment. They couldn't get away with it to non-family and they shouldn't get away with it with you.

If you still have the letters, keep them. If you can remember when they phoned and called at the house, record the dates and times. Then go to the police. It could stop them doing it to someone else, as well as stopping them doing it to you.

Good luck

Original poster

imnotbarbie · 14/09/2008 18:44

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

noonki · 14/09/2008 19:18

Poor you that is terrible

I would have no further contact,

I would also write them an unname calling letter telling them why you no longer wish to see them (you don't even ahve to send it, but it might clear things in your head as to wether you are making the right decision)

I doubt legally that they have any right of access to your children, sure someone on here will know

thinking of you x

ethanchristopher · 14/09/2008 19:21

same thing happened to my mum

you should change numbers and worst comes to worst get a restraining order

CarGirl · 14/09/2008 19:22

Please report it to the police as harrassment in case you do need to take it further and get a restrainging order.

edam · 14/09/2008 19:24

No-one other than the parents has rights over the children. So don't let them frighten you.

lizziemun · 14/09/2008 20:22

Please report it to the police and either change you phone number.

You may also find more help on this thread as the poster on here have similar situations to you.

BlueBumedFly · 14/09/2008 20:36

I have no good advice that has not already been written but just wanted to show my support. Be brave, bar their phone number, report it to the police and move ahead with your family and your life. You are blessed with three DCs and you have your family, you do not need these toxic people in your life.

It is hard I am sure not to feel cheated as this is your Mum we are so easily telling you to cast aside but you should not have to live with this sort of abuse.

Thinking of you, I hope you get some peace soon xx

chefswife · 14/09/2008 20:47

i can relate to an extent. my mother and i have had a volatile relationship all my life. in 2004, after yet another argument, (never could we ever have a conversation without her saying something belittling or degrading) that i cut off ties. 30 odd years of bull shit was all i could take and i have yet to speak to her and have absolutely no intention of ever doing so again and honestly, it has been fantastic. all that damaging, toxic drama is over and i love it. my father passed in 2001 but he knew what was up and the only reason he never divorced her was because he was worried she would take him for everything. it was cheaper to stay with her.

change your phone number, consult a solicitor about a restraining order and be done with it. they cannot 'take' your children from you and to gain access after a restraining order has been issued will be a lot of work for them and in all likelihood they will not pursue it. good luck. you can't pick you family unfortunately but just because they are family doesn't automatically mean as human beings you get along. make the family you want and nurture that.

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