To expect my DP to give me money?

[Lusi]

Ok I really feel the need to rant about this...and it is very long...
My DP comes from a really bad background (father alcoholic who beat his mentally ill mother, very poor - sent shoplifting when a boy etc) He has worked incredible hard and lived in horrible conditions (bedsits with cockroaches etc) to earn and save money ...

We started living together 8 yrs ago when we relocated so I could start studying for a Phd ..then I became pregnant.
He started his own restaurant when DD1 was 9 months old ...even though I was studying full time I helped him ...thinking it was short term. I ended up doing all his paperwork (book keeping etc) until he sold up in April this year. He worked 90hr+ a week and so I also did all the housework, DIY, evening/morning childcare (DD1 was in Nursery in the day). I went to work 10am- 6pm, 5 days a week, taking DD1 into work some weekends and at least twice a month going into work at 11.30pm (when he got home and could babysit -she was alsleep) and working through the night...

I earned a tax free stipend -so for tax reasons he 'paid' me £4-5000 a year -but in fact I never got a penny...

When we bought our house it was in my name -he paid the 25% deposit - but in case the business folded the mortgage etc was in my name...then 2 years later my grandmother died and left me enough money to pay off the rest of the mortgage. The solicitor thought maybe I should change his share for up to 30% (he had contributed to the mortgage payments)..I was unsure...we aren't married and therefore I wasn't entitled to any share of the restaurant...after dithering and confusing myself I thought I'd be generous ... and actually (madly) gave him a 40% share!

I had just finished my PhD when I became pregnant with DD2 - so didn't think it was fair on a new employer to get a job...also still doing everything around the house and the books... and had lots of things around the house to sort out ...like stuff still in boxes from 8 years ago!

Then he sold the restaurant to spent more time with his children -then after a month or so was bored (90hrs to 0hrs was a massive change)- he decided to get a job...he got one that suits him - he starts work at midday and finishes about 8.30pm -so doesn't get much more time to spend with DD1 (at school) and doesn't have to help with cooking dinner, bath time, bed time -in fact quite often he gets home when they are just going to sleep and wakes them up! He does get 2 days off a week now though and usually cooks dinner on one of them...
But I am still in the habit of doing everything around the house...and he goes to the gym or plays golf or football...

DD2 is now 18mo and I'd quite like to go back to work - but can't face going back to doing the hours/balancing act I was doing before (I ended up on medication to stop panic attacks!)Looking to get part-time (3-4 days per week) but very difficult in my field.

I have always paid half of all the household expenses ..so am in the situation where the money in my bank account is disappearing and he is saving his wages (for a boat!)...and he has enough money in the bank not to have to work for about 10 years....
I can understand how important his money is to him and also he is a bit resentful of the fact that I got (and still do to an extent) money from my family...but I really think he should either give me a lump sum or pay all the household bills and give me housekeeping money...I do know he wouldn't see me starve...but then I would hate to have so little money left that I would have to depend on him for everything -he can be incredible mean... If I bring this up he will say we will sort something out and eventually changes the subject...
Probably my greatest fear is that we will spilt up for some reason and then I will feel like a complete and utter mug...
I'm not married on principle -(if I asked him I'm pretty sure he would marry me) - so I wouldn't automatically be entitled to anything and of course as far as the books are concerned he 'paid' me to do his restaurant work...
I've told him he is going to pay for a new kitchen (we have desperately needed one since we moved in) with the 10% he owes me for the house...and he kind of agrees and then tells me it is ok as it is -with half the wallpaper missing, an oven that is almost impossible to light and then keeps going out, vinyl floor tiles that are chipped and impossible to keep clean...etc etc.
Having read this back I'm now totally sure I'm not being unreasonable and he should be giving me money! Now how to get it..did I say that I also sort out all his banking for him and I am pretty sure he wouldn't know how to get his hands on most of his money himself? He might realise some had gone missing though...

Okay that was quite long for this time of night; I have had a bit of wine lol.
But YANBU, he should cough up, you are a partnership.

is he your "partner" or your boss?

I have never understood this my money and his money thing - if you are in a partnership and, particularly if you have children, surely all your resources should be shared?

If I can be slightly blunt, it sounds to me as if you are both behaving as if you are expecting to split up, that there are a lot of insecurities in both of you, and that is affecting how you behave towards each other.

His meanness could be as a result of his upbringing, where money was tight and every penny had to be protected (especially if his dad drank it all away).

I don't believe it IS fair - if he is in a position to save and you are spending your savings, that it should continue like this. But you might also need to address this business of your relationship as well, and you need to trust each other, if this relationship is to work. If you help yourself to money, and he finds out, there's a good chance it'll be the end of your relationship.

You don't say if you get "me" time too, to do things you want to do?

But you two seriously need to talk, to address these differences in your relationship, and for him to raise any that he considers raising - to address his insecurities too. Easy for me to say, I know... would he consider Relate? It might help if there were a third party involved, not knowing enough about you or him, to keep any emotions and recriminations (if there are any) in check.

Thanks for the replies...
Tommy - I don't think he is my boss...he doesn't behave like that and some of the problem is that I am so independent.
It really isn't that straightforward as what is his is mine etc. He had a lot more money than me at the start of the relationship...saving it was a bit of an obsession..it is more than money - a security thing - he hadn't seen most of his family for years -they live overseas ..he started saving when he found out his father had died by a one line telegram 'daddy is dead'(I have since persuaded him to go and find his mum and some of his brothers - to get a new perspective on his early life).
MaryBs
Firstly I wouldn't really take his money without agreeing it first...

Knew about his insecurities - never really thought about mine! And I keep thinking of more and more...
I know for lots of reasons I have the attitude 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'.
It would destroy me if we split up and I felt like I'd been a mug...
He survives life by having lots of money -and I by being ready for it all going hideously wrong...
Also I guess because of his background - growing up with a wife beater and he was beaten/abused by his mother - I need to know I could afford to walk away...not that he has ever shown any sign of any of this...in fact he is probably more aware of this than anyone...

Maybe Relate would be a good idea - someone who isn't involved - to get us to sit down and actually sort this out - I am starting to feel resentful ...and he doesn't get just how much this is playing on my mind...

It is good to know that everyone who has read this thinks I should be getting some money from him....

It's not surprising that you're becoming insecure, you're living with a partner who seems to be hoarding his cash for himself, leaving you with not much of your own.

It wouldn't be so much of a problem if you were married as, you'd know if you split up you'd get a share.

Rather than say to him we need to do something... and leave it to him to either sort out (which he won't) decide on what it is you want and would be happy with and statr taking steps yourself to make it happen.
Tell him that you need savings too, and so have to put more money away for yourself and so you'll not be able to pay as much of the expenses as you did.

Go out and look at kitchens and start to order one. If left to his own devices course he won't bother to do anything about it. So make him get one, you don't have to be aggressive just go kitchen shopping one day and start telling him how excited you are at getting a new kitchen.

If getting married will make you feel more secure then that's what you should do. If you know he'll marry you anyway then start talking to him about your wedding and when it will be.

His past probably has a huge part to play in how he is behaving today, but tbh, he can't keep using the past as an excuse to make you feel like this.
Go to relate to get it sorted if that's what it takes to make him realise that he doesn't need to play out his past still and that his present and future can be different but he has to let it be.

Marry him. It's only a piece of paper to you, but give you a bit more security. It would seem to me to be a small price to pay.

You seem to be caught between two scenarios - one where you both contribute financially and one where he does the breadwinning and you sahm. You need to work out where you are in this.

If you are both contributing financially (going forward) then you need to get a job and sort out the childcare costs between you.

If you are doing the sahm thing for a while then you need to agree with him that he gives you money.

Regarding the past history, I think you should insist that he gives you the money to make up to the 40% of the house.

I don't think he should give you money. I think that the two of you should pool your resources for the benefit of your home, your family and your relationship. I hear what you are saying about "preparing for the worst" but can't these things become self-fulfilling?

For me, the answer would be easy. Get married and make everything joint (in how you regard it even if not necessarily in fact). You are a couple with children to bring up and a home to maintain. It is wrong that one of you should be better off than the other.

You should share your finances not keep them both seperatly. DH and I have a joint accunt that both our wages go into. I also have a housekeeping accunt which is funded from our joint account.

Thanks for all the feedback...sorry I disappeared - DP wanted to know what I was up to, then got all paranoid ...had to give him a (slightly edited -LOL) print out to read...
Think he was a bit shocked...
is now being super nice to me and helpful...but still no money...

Was thinking marrying him might be the solution -I had been testing the water a bit and now he knows what I was up to!

Going to go and get a kitchen - and he will have to pay for it...
And am going to present bills to him to pay (like we are going on holiday -normally I'd pay and then get half back from him ...now I'll get him to pay and see if has the nerve to ask me for half...
Thanks again - so happy that no one thought I was being unreasonable ...