RANT ALERT, ... daughter upset + cries, wants to stay at dads more

[yerblurt]

Right this is a rant.

Daughter staying overnight for her fri o/n stay (the parenting schedule atm is week 1: fri,sat,sun o/n - collect + drop off from school; Week 2: fri o/n, collect from school drop off at mum's sat morning, half the holidays, all backed up in the form of a shared res order. Daughter is 5 1/2).

Tonight, after her bed-time story we were discussing what's happening tomorrow - daughter has started doing proper swimming lessons on a sat morn. This week I'm taking her swimming as mum 'has to wait in for an electrician sat morn' (i.e. either her new punter is staying or a telly is being delivered depending on which story I choose to believe).

So daughter starts getting upset and asks when she's staying next at dad's - next fri I say,

daughter looks upset and starts getting a bit tearful, "why can't I stay more at dad's? It's one night, why can't I stay more?"

"I'm sorry darling, I can't do anything about it. We'll have a nice time tomorrow, I'll drop you off at mum's. I'll speak to you on the phone to say night and next week you'll be staying for 3 sleeps".

Daughter is in full tearful mode, wiping her nose and hugging me, "I won't be able to say night night to XXX" (me and partner have a new baby who's 1 year old now)

"I'm sorry darling, I can't do anything about it. It's what mum decided" ... well it is. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat too much to my daughter. Her mother CHOSE this situation (in fact, she wanted it even less - the old fall back of alternate weekends). I'm getting pretty upset at this time too.

So eventually manage to settle daughter, she was having a bit of a cry just now and me and partner went in and played a game to settle her - the pretend to kiss her but blow a bit raspberry on her cheek. That got a smile....

So I just want to rant.

Apparently all the fu*king "EXPERTS" (the judges, cafcass, mum etc) ALL know what's best for daughter - that child staying midweek for one or two consecutive o/n's will be somehow "DISRUPTIVE" or "UNSETTLING".

They don't see and have to deal with what I've just had to deal with upstairs-

A 5 1/2 year old girl who's crying her eyes out because she wants to stay at dads more and can't understand why she can't. Why she can't stay at dads longer because "that's fair" in her own words. "Why do I have to stay at mum's a long time and dad's a short time?" ...

THERE YOU HAVE IT IN ONE. THE LOGIC OF THE SITUATION FROM A 5 YEAR OLD.

Answers? 'because your mum is a selfish bitch who realises she can get more CSA money. because your 'mother' is so selfish she wants you all of the time but will palm you off at a minutes notice and complains that she has no social life".

I'm a mixture of pissed off, horrified, upset and just plain bloody mad at the situation.

Yet the "experts" all know what the best solution is don't they?

... well they don't have to deal with a little girl who's really upset that she can't stay more at her dads. That is all there is to it.

end of rant.

The OP has told his DD that the situation she is upset by is caused by Mummy, because he doesn't want to 'sugar-coat'? She's 5, FFS! Blaming the other parent is so unfair to the child. Hopefully the vitriol towards his x that was apparent in the post isn't apparent to his DD.

I think you're being incredibly cruel not sugar-coating it for your daughter to be honest

I think you can stand on your high horse and say "I'm not going to lie to my daughter" but it's the way you tell it

and the ire and resentment you do it with

which you well know

of course in a post you can let that ire out .. but to your daughter the only morally irreprehensible thing to say would be "we both love you very much and this is what was decided to be the best for you so I'll miss you when you're not here and look forward to next time but you'll have a lovely time with mummy"

because otherwise you're just screwing up your 5 and a half year old because you're fucked off

Sorry estuaryfairy. I meant eleanorrigby.

sorry, but i totally agree with yerblurt. Its amazing how many fathers on here get slated for shirking their responsibilities, and how they never see their kids. Here we have a very loving father, who because of the mother of the child, is not allowed to spend more than 4 nights in 14 with his daughter.

Why shouldnt a 5yr old know it was mummy who made the arrangements? What do you say to her when she asks why she cant stay any longer? "Sorry darling, its whats mummy and daddy have decided?" therefore making her feel resentment towards her father that is unjustified, and making life easier on the mother, when it was the mother at the root of the divorce?!

I think the way forward is to call a meeting with mother, father and daughter. All sit down together, without other partners and influences. Discuss openly what daughter wants, and arrange a suitable set up for all of you.

Thankfully, I am not in this situation, but I hope that if ever I was, we could agree a 50/50 care arangement to be fair on all parties.

yerblurt perhaps you should just approach the courts and ask for residency citing that you do not feel your daughters emotional or physicially needs are being fully met at her Mums.

Yerblurt.. it's unfair. and the "experts" are pretty bad in my eyes and IME ( and I'm the mum!)..

DC's need their dad's and dad's need their dc's... and mums need a break knowing dc's are being very well loved and looked after! how long ago was Cafcass report done and final arrangements set? .. is it time that it need to be ammended? based on daughters emotional needs?

Your rant makes me really cross for you..
Sadly ds's only get 4/14 with their dad.. but it's down to the distnce between us.. if he lived round the corner... I would be more than happy to co parent!

Clam, I think ElenorRigby was talking to her partner and she did come across as a bit smug...

'Love your wasting your time posting here it's plain MsNet loves poor victim mothers, of course they can do no wrong. wink
Whereas of course second families and fathers are always bad.'

Come off it, "punter" clearly implies someone who pays for sex, so the OP is calling his ex a prostitute.

What a nasty attitude to have to the mother of your child. No doubt the little girl is picking up on your feelings. Not very kind of you, is it? If you genuinely want to protect your daughter and put her first, you'll drop the nasty attitude and stop slagging off her mother, ESPECIALLY in conversation with your daughter.

How would you have reacted if your father spoke about your mother in those terms? Would it have made you feel happy and secure? I think not.

Have to admit I have never heard 'punter' used as a term for a boyfriend . The OP is obviously still carrying around a lot of anger about the split and justifying it by saying he doesn't want to lie to his DD. He says he has moved on, so why still so bitter? Not good news for him, his DP, their baby or his DD really...

"punter" in the context was used implied to me "latest boyfriend" as in there has been several of them waltzing in and out of his dds life which isn't good for her and perhaps the amount of "extra" time yerblurt is allowed to have his dd is directly linked to whether or not there is a boyfriend on the scene.

It does seem to me that Mums are allowed to called their ex's every name under the son, but Dads aren't allowed to do the same. I've noticed it time and time again. Giving birth doesn't necessarily make you the best parent IMHO.

so none of the posters on this thread who have ex's have ever referred to them as wankers then? After all now that they have all moved on there is no bitterness or resentment towards their ex? ever? yeh right.

If the op had been from a woman saying she was upset that dd didn't want go to daddy's tomorrow there would have been cries of "you have to do what's best for your dd, if she doesn't want to go to her dad's then maybe you need to have a chat with him, and keep her with you for a bit, or maybe there's an issue with her dad? oh well if he's got a new gf then I wouldn't want that either - she's your dd and you decide what's best for her not your wanker of an ex" and and and and and.

But it's that old attitude again isn't it, all men are bastards, all women are victims. Except that's just a fantasy.

To the op - if there was an arrangement in place and your ex changed it without consulting you, I would seriously consider going to court. Especially if there is talk of social services becoming involved with regards to how she cares for your dd.

Calling someone a prostitute is far worse than calling someone a wanker, obviously.

No-one has said all men are bastards - that's the cheap debating trick of pretending your opponent has said something they haven't.

What I have said is that calling your ex, the mother of your child, a prostitute is insulting and demeaning and indicates hostility. Which is not good for the child.

There are always 2 sides to the story when a relationship breaks down.

I've called my xp a wanker many, many times wannabe, but I would never tell my DD that something that is upsetting her is actually Daddy's fault/decision, even if it was. Whatever hurt has been inflicted by both parties, whatever residual bitterness there is between them, they are their DD's Mummy and Daddy and the two people in the world that she should be able to trust completely. I will 'sugar coat' my xp till the cows come home for my DD because he is her Daddy, doesn't matter what I think of him.

You've been very combative yerblurt despite the overwhelmingly sympathetic responses you've got. The ONLY thing you were originally questioned about was your statement about not 'lying' to your daughter - the other posters aren't defending mothers but children.

Some posters who've actually experienced parental separation pointed out that it is very hurtful and difficult to hear one parent slagging off the other even a little bit. But you just attacked them rather than listening.

For all I know your ex is the biggest bitch that ever walked the earth, and if so, I feel for you in having to co-parent, and feel free to rant. But never to your daughter. That is ALL the other posters said.