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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ground my son for a month

26 replies

debzmb62 · 12/09/2008 18:39

long story but my 15 year old son !! typical teenager i hear you say !! anyway last week he was half an hour late he has to be in at 9.30 which i'm not really happy about !! but turned up at 10 .10 so i grounded him for a week !my i add its not the first time he,s been late !! then yesterday got a phone call from school from one of his teachers telling me he was misbehaving in class so i grounded him for a month , of course he's not very happy and is now begging with me to let him go to the pictures tomorrow with freinds as it was planned weeks ago i know what i,m doing but what would you yourself do am i right to stick to my gound !

OP posts:

Twiglett · 12/09/2008 18:40

my parents would always relent

I think I would too

Boyswillbeboys · 12/09/2008 18:42

A month is a bit much isn't it? Could you negotiate - maybe cut it to a week and get him to do chores instead so that he can still go to the pictures?

DustyTv · 12/09/2008 18:43

My parents once grounded me for a month, they stuck to it and I was never late again.

My parents were quite strict TBH as I was only 15 minutes late and I called them from my friends house to let them know I would be late.

TBH I would stick to the grounding.

lollipopmother · 12/09/2008 18:43

No point in grounding him if you are then going to relent. You've said he's grounded now so you've got to go with it, and if he's begging to go then the fact that you've said no might actually ring some bells with him.

In future though, maybe there's something else you can do instead of grounding??

mumblechum · 12/09/2008 18:44

Grounding for a month is over the top, I feel. The school shoudld discipline him for minor misdemeanors, you don't have to do it at home on top. I'd stick with the week's grounding you've already given him with dire warnings about future behaviour.

sarah293 · 12/09/2008 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheConfusedOne · 12/09/2008 18:45

Give him a choice, he stays grounded for a month AFTER the pictures tomorrow, or he misses the pictures and only has a weeks grounding.

muggglewump · 12/09/2008 18:46

I think a month is a bit too harsh. I don't have a teen yet though so maybe not.
I do think you should stick to it now you've said it though

LittleBella · 12/09/2008 18:46

I think a month sounds like a ludicrously long time for a schooltime misdemeanour which should be dealt with at school. Yes you should give him earache for it at home and back up the school, but to re-punish him for it quite that harshly doesn't sound very fair to me tbh.

Pria · 12/09/2008 19:00

Simply wouldn't be able to put up with the intermitant sulking and pleading for a whole month. Definately prefer the chores route.
Annoying teen sulkily cleaning car by holding sponge between thumb and forefinger while I have lovely bath with malteasers and wine...perfect.

2shoes · 12/09/2008 19:04

if he is misbehaving at school I would work with the school and have the punishhment at school not at home.
a month is way to long. take away msn for the weekend instead(for the being late)

janeite · 12/09/2008 19:15

I do think if he's misbehaving enough for the school to contact you, then there should be some form of punishment at home too.

However, personally I don't think a month's "grounding" is the way forward.

But then I don't really agree with grounding anyway. I think it is a sure fire way of having a sulky teen around your heels for a month so that you either a) cause increasing resentent or b) end up relenting and therefore appearing as if you can't stick to your guns.

I'm more in favour of short term inconveniences: a night without the Playstation; a weekend without a cinema trip; enforced participation in a family walk instead of seeing friends (!) etc.

TheConfusedOne - I like your suggestion; it allows more room for negotiation and less for simmering resentment.

Soapbox · 12/09/2008 19:18

I wouldn't relent, but I have learnt to think carefully before I open my mouth and give an unreasonable punishment

I think if behaviour at school was so bad that they had to call you, then a serious punishment is warranted.

Is grounding the only punishment you use? Can't you use other things, like banning tv/games consules or packing away all but his goofiest clothes for a month?

Soapbox · 12/09/2008 19:19

Sorry - I forgot to say - even if I was to relent on the grounding, I would not allow him to go to the cinema tomorrow!

Original poster

debzmb62 · 12/09/2008 20:15

thank for your replys as i said this is a long story its not the first time he,s misbehaved in school nor the first time he's been late ! its sort of hard for me as we lost his dad a few years ago so its me who has to do these things i,ve tried lots ie taking away playstations and all that i have 2 older children to a son of 27 and a daughter of 25 but there dad was around for a longtime in there lives they have tryed to talk to him about his behavour at home and at school and i must admit it did improve! its hard because i never had it with them they honestly never got into trouble never had a detention matt my 15 yr old has had so many i,ve lost count !!i sort of know why he,s being like this as because i lost his dad i did spoit him he normally gets what ever he wants yep i know my fault but i am trying to help him he,s 15 and this is his last yr at school and i love him with all my heart and just want whats best for him /i also have 2 younger children to !! the good thing at the oment he;s ok about being grounded for a month and know the reasons so so far so good but now yes i,m feeling guilty !!

OP posts:

Original poster

debzmb62 · 12/09/2008 20:17

sorry my spelling is so bad !! its moment not oment lol

OP posts:

abbieslife · 13/09/2008 01:27

Stand your ground. He needs to know you mean what you say. Don't negotiate initially, but perhaps after two weeks you could let him out with a very limited curfew, say 8 o'clock? If he sticks to this without being late, then make it 9. Then by the end of the month, he can be back to his 9.30 curfew.Make it clear that you'll start the whole cycle again next time he's late. If you have clear expectations, then he will learn to respect them.
I work with teenagers, and I think that if as you're saying he understands and accepts his grounding, then you're half way there!
Good luck!

Tortington · 13/09/2008 01:49

well good luck - i can see those long punishments really workin' for ya.

ghosty · 13/09/2008 03:53

My dad grounded me for 3 months when I was 16. He never relented.
I don't ever want to do that to my kids. I am all for grounding but long grounding is crap.
Mind you, DS is 8 so I may ground him for a year when he is older

Janni · 13/09/2008 05:20

A month is too long, IMO and I would combine grounding with him having to do certain jobs to earn back privileges.

SofiaAmes · 13/09/2008 05:24

If you want him to do it again, then relent. If you want a chance of him learning his lesson then stick to it.

daisybaby · 16/09/2008 22:27

As the mother of a now 17 yr old daughter who has been shall i say extremely challenging throughout school, and is now calming down a little, i would say that if you make the punishment too severe you run the risk of alienating him. Worse still, if he is a stubborn as my daughter, he will find a way of doing his own thing, even if that means climbing out of his bedroom window to go out with his friends.
However, i don't particularly think there is a right or a wrong way to cope with this stuff. All kids are different, and so are all parents. I am sure he will grow up and out of it in his own sweet time, and the best thing when that happens is if your relationship with him has survived the difficult years and is a good one.

Original poster

debzmb62 · 16/09/2008 22:51

well so far so good he's been fine and now undersatnds my reasons he's being so good !!he evn bought his dirty washing down the stairs and made his own bed without me asking him about 20 times must have done something to ground him for a month mind you they have got a way of making you feel guilty don,t they !!

OP posts:

2beornot2be · 17/09/2008 11:04

What did he do at school to get grounded for a month???

more · 17/09/2008 15:36

Could he not "earn" the time back with good behaviour i.e. okay if you (DS) cut the grass then I'll cut your "sentence" by one week.

Or.. because you (DS) brought down your dirty laundry I am taking one day off your "sentence".

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