rant alert.................psycho in a small rage, either tell me to get a grip, or agree that I am ok to be annoyed (altho I realise you will all say 'get a grip' anyway[wink]).....

[psychomum5]

I do the school run for a friend.

she is a single mum who also works (well, she did, she lost her job in the hols), and so I offered to do her morning school run for her since DS2 was in reception (he is now yr2), and she often helps with mine in the afternoons if she is able.

now, apart from when I had my car accident and could not do it thro not driving, it has worked out fairly well. a few issues, but not major ones and also not ones that make me want to rant.

however, since june things have not been great, and things were bugginh me a little....altho I wonder if it was everything getting tough for her.

there have been times when the children did not get to me until 10mins after I needed to leave (they live at the top of my road but in a side cul-de-sac which makes it hard for me to collect them as I have a people carrier and it is sometimes hard to turn round with all the cars parked down there). if I sent my children up to see if they were coming, sometimes the mum had only just got up or they were ill (fair enough, it happens), but she never ever rang me to explain, and if I ring her, everytime it goes straight to answerphone).

a couple of times the school rang me to say that the little one was poorly but they could not get hold of the mum at all and please could I go collect......now, that is not fair on the little girl, when she is poorly she wants her mum.

anyway, the mum went away on holiday abroad and her mum had them, so that she could have a well earned break.......lovely as she needed it as I know how hard it is being on your own from when my DH works away, and even then, I still don;t have it as hard as I do not have the money worries that she has. well, when she got back, I thought that maybe she had changed a little....that all the previous 'blips' were just down to her struggling with 3 on her own.

seems not, going on how she has been in the week since they went back.......the first two days they did not go in until very late, as altho I knocked before they went back to ensure she needed me, and also knocked those mornings too, she did not answer the door.....seems she over slept each day.

I managed to get hold of her on the wednesday to find that she was having issues getting the children to bed before midnight, and so she was taking them once they all woke up.

thursday fine, as was friday, altho both days I had to wait for her to go to the shop for food for their lunches........now, flame informs me that it is quite normal to make lunch boxes in the morning when I was ranting at her last week about it.....that I am just very anal about making them the night before (I don;t know why people don;t make them the night before tho, sooooo much easier!!! but I accept that in this I ABU).

and today.......

I had to do my elder girls school run and help my friend who normally takes them.....she could not so I took hers and mine.

this we knew since saturday, so I have spent since saturday trying to get hold of her to tell her that I could not do todays. she has not been in, she has not answered her phones, I have left messages to tell her, and even poked a note thro the door telling her to let me know that she had had the messages (so I could relax and go without worrying about the children turning up at my house and panic as we were not there!).

and nothing.......

I could not in all honesty leave kiddies without a lift unless I knew that she knew, so tried still more this morning.....nothing again, so I went out my way to come back and knock.......and there she is, in her dressing gown as she over slept again, surprised to see me as early (I did so well I was 10mins early so she would have been surprised anyway).

I asked her if she had got my messages about the school run issues......no! she ignores her phones in case it is people harrassing her for money, and the note was finally located in amongst other letter she had placed on the stairs. she just ignored that too.

now, I am not sure if I am just too organised and she is normal, or if she is struggling and I am not sympathetic enough, or if I am just getting irate for no other reason that I can and do (regularly at timems).

arghhhhhhh

sorry for the length, but I do feel better (ish)

She needs help, but as long as you try to prop her up it will delay the inevitable. She clearly needs much more help and support than you can give - it sounds as if she needs professional help.

Could you talk to her mum?

I agree that you can't keep trying to run her life at the expense of your own children.

UC, I would say it is the having many that makes us organised, but franksBF said the same and she has 1.

maybe it is just the way we are made

3littlefrogs.....the only contact I have ever had with her mum was when my friend was on holiday. I assume she lives nearby but no idea where and I haven;t seen her since.

YANBU - you sound like alovley friend. She sound like she is struggling BUT she needs to sort her self out. They are her kids and her responsibility not yours.

am liking the 'being a nice friend' comments.

am feeling like I am not with the ranting on here TBH!

Ooh I'm mad on your behalf, psycho! And it's because I do this sort of thing all the time and then dh - rightly - tells me off because other people take the piss!

Yes, she's obviously having a hard time, but she's also obviously just one of those really, really flaky types who just cannot get their act together to do ANYTHING for themselves. The school lunches situation being a prime example.

Tough love is right. Her poor dcs BUT they are her responsibility. What is going on that she can't get them to bed before midnight??

That would drive me nuts too - can you not agree with her a 'code' for when it's you phoning - ie let it ring twice, hang up and then ring again - then she knows it's you??

I don't know the ins and outs - but I work in a pretty rough school and there's aways loads of taxis dropping kids off at school - most of them on benefit I'd imagine - but don't know how she'd go about getting the info on this (am in Scotland). Could you suggest this as an alternative to you helping out?

But I agree with everyone else - she'll never buck up while you're covering for her - she prob. lives in lala land and doesn't think twice about all the effort you;re putting in!

squeaver....my DH says I am mad to get so het up about it. but but but.....there are children involved and I feel awful for them.

You have been very kind, psycho, but you have to detach. You are not respnsible for them, and in the big picture, there are much worse things going on in the world and to worry about.

I would think tell her if she can get the kids to you by Time X (X+5 minutes being when you want to go) then say you will give them a lift, if you have space (and you usually will have space). That is already hugely generous of you, imho. No more it's not up to you to communicate whether you definitely will be going or have space. You can still extend friendship in other ways (invites for coffee, etc.)

well, I think I am going to have to go up and tell her the time for them to be to me is earlier (giving her a 10min earlier time than I need to leave IYGWIM).

and also tell her that if they are not to me then I am going on without trying to knock (or beat the door down a-la nappies thoughts) or ring so she doesn't panic and ignore.....which I feel she is doing.

and also ensure she tells the children that if my car is gone to go back to her and then she has to get them in.

and then stick to it......

maybe the shock of me actually not being there will give her a tiny kick start.

sorry to hijack - psycho did you get my e-mail on saturday?

Can you take it one step at a time and say - tomorrow I have a dentists apptmt and I need to leave by x and will have to go if your guys aren't with me by then. Knowing full well that they won't be- she'll panic - get the message and then you can open up the dialogue - of - that's the way it's going to be from now on - cos I got a letter from school saying your kids musn't be late again??
then it's not so confrontational?

I dunno, Tracy, maybe psycho needs to get this over and done with??
If it were me, I would practice what to say about 50 200 times.
But keep in mind the principles she probably wants to communicate, she's not judging her, she still wants to be friends, she still wants to help out. Those and the terms of the new arrangements are the things to communicate, as succinctly as possible (assuming psycho can get hold of the lady, anyway).

I have been where this other mum is now but always tried to ensure my difficulties didn't inconvenience anyone else.

Having said that, I can understand she may not call because she can't face having to tell you she's "let you down" every day, even if it's actually that you'd just rather just know one way or another. As others have said, you're doing the right thing enough by just giving her a deadline time in the mornings but you have to stick to it yourself, by which I mean no calling, no knocking - just leaving.

The school having to call you when her kids are poorly is very concerning and I agree that covering for her generally is helping no-one long term. My DS's school policy is that if parents can't be contacted within a reasonable amount of time, Social Services will be - needless to say, no-one is out of contact! I think either you, either directly or via asking the school to, need to make it clear how important this is, preferably before this happens again as it may go at least some way towards being the kick up the bum she needs.

I'm not that brave - I am the master of avoidment!
I know your way would be much better - but I'm such a scaredy cat of confrontation.

bella.......yes, sorry. meant to reply and RL intervened. will do shortly.

tracy, I am like that, hate confrontation too. I avoid and fret (and rant here).

peanut, I will practice lots (just spoken to nappies on how to word it in fact!). I do want to stay friends, not least as I am not sure how close she is to others and if she is struggling the last thing she needs is to be abandoned by more people.

mumi, I hadn;t thouhgt that maybe the not calling is about avoiding letting me down in that way.

I've been here too; I'll bet a lot of money (that I don't have!) that she's seriously depressed but is doing the typical "I'M FINE" to anyone that asks

DS was late a few times last year - fortunately it was only us affected but they were ALL my fault. I felt awful.

I've ignored the mail for MONTHS on end - scared to turn a piece of paper over incase it was a "we're coming to get you" note from the council rent people or something... I ignore my phone, letting it go to messages and then being too worried to play them

Does the mum have a mobile? Could you text her; I coped with text because you can see who it is before you read it, it's unlikely to be bailiffs etc and you don't have to speak to anyone to reply ?

I think you could say it kindly - something like "I just wanted to let you know that we're going to have to go before you're ready if the kids aren't ready by X time"

Could you show her MN or NM or something so she may get support that way too - or try to see if you can let her know that you know she's hurting and struggling but you'll still be here for her if and when she needs?

Hard to know what to suggest for the best really; good luck!

Agree with all the others. She does sound like she is struggling but at the same time it is not fair to put extra pressure on you.

Say to her straight that you will be leaving at X time and if they are not ready then GO!! She sounds a bit like a toddler who is allowed to get away with poor behaviour because the parent doesnt draw a distinct line.

Past that you sound very supportive, but the onus is not on you to bring up her dcs. You may be simply facilitating her inablilty to get organised.

She seems to be down and not managing well, tbh.
However, I can see why it would irritate you....and it isn't fair on you neither...

Can you talk to her...see what the problem is, se if she needs help or somehting...but also make clear that Kids have to be on time, and blablabla...and thtat you can't wait all the time...

As for Lunchboxes, I tend to do them in the morning...however, I don't have to go to the shop before I do them...I make sure I have what I need the night before...

lewis, she does have a mobile, and home phone too. but go straight to answer phone tho, and in the past she has told me that she never ever gets my texts so I gave up sending them (as they cost more....I have to send from my mobile which I pay for whereas if I ring from my landline DH pays).

I admit I never sent a text yesterday as I figured that she would just claim that she never got it, the same as she did do this morning regarding leaving messages on answerphone and note. admittedly tho, like you say, she can see who the text is from before opening whereas you cannot with answer messages and notes.

well, right now the plan is to give her an earlier leave time and tell her that it is making mine late as well as her's and that is not fair on my children as they get twitchy like me if we are late.......and go from there.

and ask her in for a coffee and see if I can find a way of pushing her for help. she doens;t drive so maybe I can offer to take her to the CAB if she can make an appointment for a day I am in town (that way I am not making a special trip for her and so I don;t have to resent trying to help further IYGWIM).

.....I do feel for her, which is why I think I have been allowing this to continue.

Sounds like a great plan of action; shame you can't just shake people and scream "IT doesn't have to BE THIS WAYYYYY" ... think I need that too though!

You know, if she doesn't open up it's not because of you, don't you? I mean - don't let feelings of rejection grab you because she's not rejecting per se - she's self protecting ... in a weird way

Am sure you know that though; good luck with it all

I do see that.......doesn;t stop me feeling like she is rejecting my offers of help/friendship tho, but those I don;t take too personally.

am feeling much calmer now tho to be able to speak to her. I think had I actually managed to say something this morning I would have sounded like a bitch.

quick update.

I spoke to her yesterday, and asked her to send them to me earlier. I didn;t however say that I will go without them as yet, I will see how she gets on with an earlier 'getting them ready time', and if that does not pan out then I will have to tell her that I will be going.

I did say that it is making me and mine late, and she looked so embarrassed that I do think she will try.

she did this morning..they were still later than I had asked, but early enough for me to be ok for school if that makes sense. they were earlier than last week!

sooooo

thanks all for listening.....and ta for the advice

Haven't read in great detail so excuse if I ask what you've already said. How far away is the school?? For example should she be doing it herslef how long would it take her to walk it???

I mean, sorry but I know she is alone, but she MUST be aware she is making you late, I just think the sleeping late is not a good enough excuse, set an alarm. You know???

And it seems just really ignorant to not get back to you. You say she is within walking distance to you for her kids to walk to you on their own, so not far, so can't she just pop in and talk to you. Does she never go out. I mean okay she's having a hard time, but there are certain things she must have to do, and she has 3 kids, I have 2 and don't see why 3 seem to be so unmanageable to her. My friend has 3 and her DH goes away for work (RAF) for 4 mths at a time, but she gets up and gets them to school.
Is there some other reason she is finding it all so hard???