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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

so am I?

18 replies

TheArmadillo · 06/09/2008 18:39

Ds woke me up this morning at 5.30. Dp was out, at friends and then work so couldn't help me. I had terrible migraine and was throwing up and ds (3) was running around screaming and generally being a little sod.

By about 8am (I knew they'd be up) I phoned my parents to see if they would have him for a couple of hours. Mum said yes that was fine and sis would come round and pick him up. I managed to get ds dressed and ready.

When sis turned up she phoned to say could I bring him out to the car. I did but there was no car seat in the car, just my mum;s booster cushion she uses for work. I said if sis could drive round block I would get ds car seat out my car and put it in hers.

SIs said booster cushion was fine, I said he needed car seat as a bit small still for cushion (fair enough she doesn't have kids - she probably wouldn't know). All fine. Got ds in car and she went off. I was very grateful.

By lunchtime I had managed to keep painkillers down and could just about function so went to my parents to pick up ds. Mum said I looked terrible so I should go and lie down for a bit and she would play with ds. Again I was very grateful.

Then my mum started saying how lucky I was that sis had picked up ds - fine I agree. BUt that sis had come home crying and very upset as I had apparently screamed and shouted at her that she hadn't put their car seat in. I said I hadn't - I'd just gone and got mine (I couldn't have screamed and shouted as I was in no fit state to plus I wasn't annoyed at it - just went and got my seat).

SO I got bollocking for not being considerate towards my sister's feelings, for not being grateful and for generally being a bitch. Again there was no chance of any one believing my side of story. And sis refused to speak to me for rest of day as she was 'so upset'.

What do I have to do? I can't see what I did wrong. I know they did me favour and I am grateful.

I try and make my behaviour faultless I really do - I know I am not perfect but I do try. I really don't want to upset my sister - I am sorry if she was upset, but I don't see how I could have done things any differently.

AIBU?

OP posts:
spicemonster · 06/09/2008 18:42

your sister is a loonspud. Does she normally do this kind of thing?

are you feeling better now btw?

Lauriefairycake · 06/09/2008 18:42

you say you didn't scream and shout at her

this means she's a liar

stop trying to make your behaviour 'faultless' - ultimately pointless and soul destroying. Like yourself the way you are.

If you can be arsed when you feel better have a think about why your sister's such a liar and trying to get sympathy from your parents - is it because you were getting sympathy today cos of the migraine and she can't 'bear' people getting more attention than her

YANBU

MrsMattie · 06/09/2008 18:43

Can't you just talk to your sister and make it up? It all sounds like a bit of a storm in a teacup, to be honest.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 06/09/2008 18:48

sis does this every time I disagree with her. Or if I ask her to do something (e.g. pass me something or help me do something).

I can;t make it up to her as if I try to speak to her she starts screaming and then runs away 'crying'.

Yes it prob was because I was ill so getting sympathy - she hates me getting anything, and ds even more so. She was really jealous of ds when he was born. She's done some not very nice things to him previously, but has been not too bad recently.

I'm just tired of her always doing this and it always being my fault.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 06/09/2008 19:05

is this the sister that you mentioned pretends to be sick when she comes to your house? Or have I confused you with some one else?

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 06/09/2008 19:06

same sister.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 06/09/2008 19:11

I remember the thread in that case. To be brutally honest I would not ask them or get involved with them in that way. I know you needed help but I think you need to treat it as if you didn't have them available. My mum now lives close but when she didn't, it was down to DH and I to manage days like this. He has had to come home on one or two occasions and of course it's very awkward with work but he took un-paid leave when it was this sort of emergency, and no - we couldn't afford it!

That would be my way of dealing with this tbh; manage between you. Don't involve your family. Because you'll never please them, you'll always be in the wrong, and they'll never change.

allgonebellyup · 06/09/2008 19:11

how old is sister?

10?

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 06/09/2008 19:15

thanks HG - I know I shouldn't, but I always think 'oh it'll be fine this time, as long as I behave perfectly then they won't have anything to complain about'.

I still can't quite believe that there is anything terrible about their behaviour, it's not good but not terrible. And then I get upset again.

I really need to deal with this.

Allgone - she is 24.

OP posts:
Marchbirthday · 06/09/2008 19:17

I have been there. Between No 1 DC and No 2 DC I/We DH did not get a whole night sleep for 4 years. WELL clearly that previous statement can't be true, as otherwise we would not be alive.. but I have said that statement to lots of people, many times, so to me IT IS true. Sleep deprivation does weird stuff to humans, particularly lovely humans like you. Your Mum has forgotten what it is like to be sleep deprived and maybe, I don't know from what you wrote, your sister doesn't know what it is like to be sleep deprived. If they are really mean to you about this just remind them that during WWII the Old Japanese regime used sleep deprivation as a form of torture, and it was very effective!

HonoriaGlossop · 06/09/2008 19:24

TheArmadillo, you sound so lovely and sweet natured and tbh I think that's what they're exploiting.

When ds was a baby my parents were hours away and DH's parents were totally taken up with 'being there' for his sister - it was upsetting to feel second best and it did make us HAVE to manage on our own which was very hard at times....but there does come a real satisfaction in another year passing and DS being utterly gorgeous and knowing - WE did that, and without having him babysat 3 nights a week and sleeping over at GP's every weekend

Honestly, it's hard but you will feel BETTER for coping between you.

I think you need to make sure your partner understands and will if absolutely necessary help you. At first my DH was a bit reluctant because I guess as a man once the paternity leave is over you are just back as it was, but I had a big chat with him and said it's not just my responsibility, it's yours too, even if work aren't too impressed....good luck

PussinJimmyChoos · 06/09/2008 19:28

Dillo - are you ok? Facebook me if you want to offload and please - feel free to pop around for a chat on my non working days

And I think you are lovely so

Time for another mnet evening meet up methinks???

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 06/09/2008 19:36

dp is good and probably would have come home if I had phoned him, but I wouldn't cos I know that it would cause him trouble at work (and we can't afford for him to lose his job).
He does see ds as his equal responsibility.

I know I need to stand on my own two feet more - it's just when I feel down and crappy (the reason I didn't sleep last night and what led to the migraine) I think how much better off ds will be somewhere else. He would have fun at their house (since he told them he hated it they have being going all out with him - except sis), and at home he was so miserable and I hate the idea of him having a crappy time just because I can't cope with them. Ds is the child and I am the adult and his needs should come first.

My mum keeps telling me I am not cut out ot cope with life, and it's times like this I believe her.

I keep thinking this will be the last time - and it's cut down considerably, but there are times when I can't move or speak thru stress and I can't make ds suffer for my problems.

With me cutting down visits and reliance on them they have been much nicer to me and that seems to draw me back in. And they keep on about how they never see ds and how much they miss him.

TBF to them, apart from my sis, they were much nicer to me today than usual.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheArmadillo · 06/09/2008 20:01

thanks puss

I've been rather anti-social recently.

We need to organise another meet up.

OP posts:
juneybean · 06/09/2008 20:42

Your Sis is 24 ?! I was thinking 17 for her childish behaviour but goodness she's older than me.

YANBU!

cupsoftea · 06/09/2008 20:47

yanbu - plus your sis should have got the car seat & collect your ds from your place. She should have checked you had everything you needed and helped you get comfy. She sounds like a drama queen. Hope you're feeling better xx

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 06/09/2008 20:52

yeah it is a bit unbelievable with her behaviour sometimes but then I fall into it and end up acting childishly as well and I'm the older one.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheArmadillo · 06/09/2008 21:02

lol at that idea cupsoftea - I can;t imagine her doing that ever.

Thanks am feeling a bit brighter but am going to go to bed now.

OP posts:
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