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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU on behalf of my sister. i do feel strongly about this one

27 replies

floraspread · 05/09/2008 00:17

in my family there is me and my 2 sisters and my parents.

sister A's dd had her 4th birthday in june, everyone brought her presents apart from sister B.

Sister B had a misscarriage about 2 weeks before SA's dd had her birthday. She forgot about the birthday and didnt get a present

my parents and sister A and her dh had a shouting match with sister B about how (and this bit is true tbh) she forgets everyones birthday and never remembers e.t.c.

But imo Sister B has not done anything wrong, she has now given the child a very expensive trampoline to make up for it. but the main point is she'd just had a misscariage, surely thats something that warrants forgetting your neice's birthday????

I've never had one so i dont know, opinions please?

OP posts:

S1ur · 05/09/2008 00:21

I think it is out of order for your family to have a go at your sister B (mc one). Good grief, bit of perspective is needed!

My brother has rarely remembered my dc birthdays and we just shrug, and if he does remember it is a pleasant surprise.

In the end at four, they don't take notes about who got them what so it all about the adults here. If they think sis B isn't being thoughtful enough then they are better ways to discuss it.

Tortington · 05/09/2008 00:26

i sgree ith slur

i am liek your sister b in that i forget everyones birthday.

becuase i am inept - and i am - my kids never get cards becuase its quid pro quo = i forget but others are just fuckers

as i have gotten older i do try an remember

TheHedgeWitch · 05/09/2008 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thumbwitch · 05/09/2008 01:11

I'm with TheHedgeWitch on this - FFS, your poor sisB and her miscarriage, assuming the rest of the family knew about it, far outranks a present for a 4yo who probably got more presents than she knew what to do with anyway!

Uriel · 05/09/2008 01:22

Your poor sister. Hope she's doing ok in the circs. Agree they shouldn't have had a go at her, a reasonable discussion maybe, further down the line.

Perhaps it was just the straw that breaks the camel's back. Your family's been bothered about the birthday thing for ages and it was sheer bad timing that it blew up now?

Bonifacio · 05/09/2008 06:05

How awful of your family not to be understanding of Sister B's circumstances in this instance. I agree with Hedgewitch, I would call them and tell them they were being out of order. And then call Sister B to make sure she is ok seeing as the rest of the family offered her no consideration or sympathy.

cornsilk · 05/09/2008 06:34

god that's terrible - your poor sister? Do your parents and sister know about the miscarriage?

eidsvold · 05/09/2008 06:44

she may forgot everyone's birthday but really miscarriage or not - having a go about it - 4 of them ganging up on her is really not appropriate - and considering that she has just had the miscarriage - makes them look greedy and selfish.

herbietea · 05/09/2008 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BalloonSlayer · 05/09/2008 07:19

God your poor sister.

The thought of having to go into a toy shop just after a m/c . . .

Not surprised she forgot.

RubyRioja · 05/09/2008 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cies · 05/09/2008 07:27

In any situation I think having a go at someone for forgetting a birthday is not on. (although don't tell DH I said that, last year he didn't buy my present til the actual morning and I went off on one!) Maybe a quiet, 'Remember it was so and so's birthday on Thursday' would be in order.

But in this situation, assuming sis A and parents knew about the m/c it's utterly thoughtless and selfish of them.

medogsarebarking · 05/09/2008 07:32

YANBU at all and good for you for standing up for her. Have you told the 4 of them how out of order they were, especially since she has now more than made up for it?

Forgetting niece and nephew birthdays is no big deal anyway IMO - I suppose it depends on the family but my nieces and nephews get cards when I remember unless it's a milestone birthday (I do have 17 of them though so maybe can be forgiven a bit)

AnnVan · 05/09/2008 07:39

YANBU - I had an M/C last year, and couldn't face people afterwards. Seemed to pg women/babies everywhere I went. Would not want to have to brave a toy shop straight after one. I have also been guilty of forgetting to buy my niece a present. My mum covered for me and bought one on my behalf but at least she understood how much I've got on at the moment, and made sure my sister didn't get pee'd off by telling her I'd asked her to buy for dniece. ( I live in Southeast, family lives in Scotland)

mrsleroyjethrogibbs · 05/09/2008 07:42

yanbu I feel for your sister. not very considerate of your parents or other sister imo

Original poster

floraspread · 05/09/2008 07:44

Sister B has 2 dc already and she didnt actually tell my family until they started having a go at her.

I wanted some perspective on here before I spoke to them cause quite often when i post something on AIBU i realise i am wrong. Apparently not this time though

I have been going round to Sis B's house every day and she is coping and everything. I just thought it was bang out of order to have a go at her despite this m/c

OP posts:

lizziemun · 05/09/2008 07:52

Thank god you are supporting your sister.

I had m/c in 2006 and had some horrible comments from DH family and to be honest after that that i thought f* you. So since then i don't prompt dh to ring his family so we only see them for a few hours every couple of months.

If it were me and any of the others were to say anything to me i would point out that yes sister B forgot and she had a good reason to forget this year, but did buy an expensive present to make for it when she was able and to stop being so bloody selfish and the world does not revolve around them. And perhaps try to think how sister B feels.

stitch · 05/09/2008 07:55

agree with slur
however, i also think that if sister b was taken to her birthday party by for example, you, or your parents, then it doesnt take much effort to stuff a fiver or a tenner into an envelope, and draw a smiley face on it for her niece.
but the shouting match was well out of order, regardless of miscarriage or not.

Ronaldinhio · 05/09/2008 08:15

Your poor sister...YANBU

Bumperlicious · 05/09/2008 08:16

I think your family were awful to your sister. Notwithstanding the fact that she had just had a MC, birthdays are not worth falling out over.

One of my best friends rarely remembers my birthday but is generous other times of the year and supportive when I need it.

My dad forgot his own granddaughter's first birthday, but it is not worth falling out over. Some people just aren't good at remembering these things, and they aren't very important to them.

I hope you can give your sister the support she needs and maybe have a word with your family and put things in perspective for them.

Bumperlicious · 05/09/2008 08:24

Ah, now if your sister hadn't told them how were they to know? To be fair, it is harsh them all having a go at her over something this unimportant but it's different if they didn't know she had had a MC. Did they ease off once she'd told them?

MadameCastafiore · 05/09/2008 08:28

Ganging up on her is wrong but how were they supossed to be nice and sympathetic about the miscarraige and take it into account regarding her not getting a present if she hadn;t have told them?

cmotdibbler · 05/09/2008 08:28

I'm terrible at birthdays - I have a lot going on with work,home, family, and I do forget sometimes. But if anyone had a big go at me about it, I think that I would then say that as I was obviously such a bad person, I'd just give an annual amount to charity and not bother anymore. But I am a bit like that tbh.

chapstickchick · 05/09/2008 08:32

its not right but it could be that your family places great importance upon the giving of presents,I rather suspect that this is probably the tip of the iceberg and that its built up and all gone out of proportion.

The main thing is keeping communication open families that can talk through problems can move forward quicker.

I understand your sister had a helluva lot going on at that time and shes more than compensated for 'forgetting',but she needs to calmly talk to your parents and explain her emotional needs at that time needed support too.

cheshirekitty · 05/09/2008 08:57

YANBU. Poor sister who had the mc.

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