It's not unreasonable to grieve for a life, no matter how long it was lived

[oftendistracted]

Hi
I am glad to find such supportive women on this site. I've just been scanning the net to see if anyone has just been through what I have.
I guess I need to talk or express what has happened until all the pain and confusion has gone.
My baby passed away at seven weeks but I didn't find out until eleven weeks. All my pregnancy symptoms were there - tiredness, nausea and a small bump.
When I phoned a midwife to ask about some spotting that had started two days prior she wrote it off as normal.
But I had a nagging feeling that the spotting was not normal so phoned the emergency GP on a Saturday and begged for an appointment at the early pregnancy unit at the local hospital.
By the time they saw me -five hours later - a mono-syllabic scanner told me there was no heart beat. Naturally I broke down and a cold nurse, simply handed me tissues and told me to wait in the waiting room - there was not a ounce of sympathy between them and I felt very alone.
I was sent home with a dead foetus inside me and told to come back to the hospital in nine days for another scan.
It was only when I got home that the oddness of it all struck me.
Why had the hospital sent me home with a dead foetus, which in total would be there for five weeks? Why hadn't my body figured this out sooner? I spent the following seven days feeling very strange.
My head knew something my stomach or womb did not. And no matter how much I learned about missed miscarriages from the net, I could not get the message through to the rest of my body to abort the baby - I felt incredibly disjointed and incredibly pregnant - nothing stopped the hunger pangs, the regular weeing or the nausea.
Seven days later - on Saturday, I woke at 2am with stomach cramps. My partner and I went to A&E in case it was a sign of infection. We were sent home with painkillers. Twelve hours later I was labour.
The contractions were crippling and increased to one every minute by the time I was rushed back to A&E, gushing blood with every contraction. And all I was thinking was no one mentioned this.
My partner was in shock and I was just consumed by the pain. I still have so many questions to ask.
When I finally delivered everything, the gynaecologist just said, "Most women don't have this". That has been my only explanation and I am totally at a loss as to why it happened. I was not offered a D&C or any other treatment, I was just left with a full labour and no baby to hold at the end.
I understand that as far as pregnancy tragedies go, this incident is the just beginning of a long list of more terrible things that can happen but it still leaves me shocked that hurts so much and can leave us feeling so alone.
I don't where to go from here. I guess the thing to do is put it down to experience and move on - but it was such a big moment, I doubt I will forget it.

Thank you, if anything I hope this post prompts people to ask questions because from my experience if you don't ask the right questions, you can be very surprised by what happens. I have since been told that had I gone to another local hospital I would have been offered some sort of treatment straight away, I think this

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and the dreadful way you were treated.

Treatment for a missed mc does differ incredibly around the UK. Here in Germany a D&C is done within 24 hours, I was not even given the choice of letting it happen naturally.

I had 2 mc, the first one was very traumatic not just because I had lost the baby, but also due to the terrible treatment from the docs and nurses in the hospital. It was not until I had the 2nd mc that I realised how truly dreadful they were. The 2nd time, I was treated with compassion and care and recovered much faster.

Take the time to grieve, as much as you need. You are not just grieving for a pregnancy, a baby, you are grieving for a whole life.

If you feel up to it, it might be worth sending a letter to the hospital to complain.

I am so sorry for your loss and the horrible experience.

I miscarried my baby into a hospital toilet and not a word was said. I still feel so guilty I let it go down and then it was taken out for testing. I didn't register what it was, tbh I don't think I wanted too, and I will always regret that I let the baby down.

I have had another child since but I will never forget the ones I have lost. (I have had 2 m/c)

Poor you

Sorry for your bad experiences.

I've had 3 m/c, the second was a missed one with the exact same timescale as yours. I had a D&C on the hospital's recommendation.

The third time, they had been monitoring me as they couldn't see anything on the scan yet nothing much had come away - they were worried it could be ectopic. When it did all start, it did feel a bit labour-like.

I was told I could have an ERPC (D&C) if I wanted but they thought it the m/c was probably complete.

Part of me wanted to have one, but I realised that - in my case - prolonging my connection with the hospital was what I really wanted; it made my baby seem real . . . once I went home that would be that. So I shook myself and didn't have the ERPC - next month I was pregnant again, and I had DS1

After my D&Cs, it took months for my periods to get back to normal, and almost 9 months to get pregnant again.

So you might find that not having the D&C could turn out to be a blessing. Hope so. hugs

not at all unresonable- have you been on m/c and bereavement thread.

Its for this reson that they are planning on introducing laws in france to allow registration of your baby if m/c ...

Your lost little one was a very much wanted & loved being in it's own right, allow yourselves the time & the right to grieve in order to eventually heal & move on, in your own time. You never forget it but in time it does get less painful. I lost 2 babies and still send them a prayer & loving thoughts around what should have been their birthdays and they would have been 20 & 14 respectively this year.

I lost track of the number of people (trying to help) who said "Oh it's terribly common" I started saying back "yes so's a broken leg and just as bloody painful in it's own way"

The one person who did say something so kind and meaningful was my tutor on a course I was doing at the time, when I returned for a chat & was crying on her shoulder about what my baby wouldn't see in her life and how unfair it was cut short.She said she believed we all have an allocated "journey" and for some it was just 6/8/12 short weeks in utero but not wasted just shorter than we had hoped but nevertheless complete and whole and there for a reason usually unseen to us at that point. Might seem a bit lentil-weaving but it made sense to me & I found it comforting.

Sorry to ramble- big hugs xx

Oftendistracted, Take all the time you need to grieve. Please don't be too hard on the caregivers. They see so much and sometimes become hardened to it because they cannot afford to break down.
Your body may have been delayed and they didn't offer a D&C because your body would eventually (as it did) recognize that the baby wasn't going to go to full term. Everyone of us is different. You've had weeks for your body to elevate hormone levels to a healthy level and it should take at least that long for your body to return to your prepregnancy hormone levels. Your mind and body will be doing flipflops because of the hormone levels.
Sometimes nature plays nasty tricks on us but trust that in the long run it may be for the better. Follow your healing instructions, and ride this out. You will never forget of course but eventually you will have a healthy child and the joy will help soften this scar.
Take heart in that you aren't alone in your loss and your experience will benefit those you share it with. I wish you much hugs and comfort. Cry when you need to...it's part of living.

Hrdened or not, showing a modicum of compassion/humanity towards a woman in this position is PART of the caregivers' job. And if they can't do their jobs properly, they shouldn't be in them

I agree OP that you must take all the time you need to grieve - and allow yourself to feel your entirely jufstified anger at the shoddy way in which you were treated in hospital, that too is a part of the grieving process.

I've been thinking of you today, I know others have too. xxx

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby
x

this is exactly why i didnt want to get pregnant.

this is my worst nightmare

i cannot describe how sorry i feel for you!! i hope you and dh get through this together

I am totally shocked by the treatment you received. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks last year (not a missed miscarriage though) and even though the hospital I went to was rubbish, they Early Pregnancy unit staff were so sympathetic, and gave me tablets straight away to clear out the remaining 'product'. You are quite right to grieve, especially as your experience was made so much worse by the callous treatment you were subjected to.

I had a similar experience after my first IVF. There was no heartbeat at the 8 week scan and I was told to go away and come back in 2 weeks if nothing had happened. After one week I went into contractions and that process lasted about 12 hours. I went to my gp later to check in case I had an infection. She examined me but said absolutely nothing about what had happened. The whole vibe from everyone was that this was a trivial event and loss and I was pretty confused.

As time went by I became very depressed but it was only much later that I realised that I was not crazy - this really is a very distressing experience and the sense of loss is very real. Alas, this is one of those things that people don't empathise with unless they've been through it. I was surprised myself, at how distressing it was.

Looking back, it would have been better to have acknowledged the grief and loss more fully and work through it, instead of being confused and thinking I shouldn't be so upset.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but not surprised at the care (or should I say lack of care) you received.

I've had 4 treated mcs, one I didn't realise I'd had til I looked back at my life.

My first mc I had the most enormous row with the doctor involved. It turned out she was a trainee GP and wasn't particularly interested in the field of miscarriage. I bawled her out for being so blardy cavalier about the loss of my first, very longed for, baby and I did it without swearing (like I normally would) or going overboard. I think I shocked her really as she seemed to stop and take notice.

She'd been told how common miscarriage is and was treating it purely from a logistic point of view. I explained that this might be just a bunch of cells and nothing more to her, but to us it was the loss of years of trying...the loss of a future life...hopes and dreams that we couldn't just parcel away as 'oh, it's just one of those things...it happens a lot'.

I told her that patients are people with real feelings and as much as statistical evidence might show that 'these things happen', when these things happen to you, it can be totally devastating.

She seemed to sit up and take notice and her bedside manner improved immensely after that. This was 12 years ago now and my subsequent 3 mcs were all handled much more tactfully, so I'd hoped things had improved across the board. It makes me sad to think that's not the case, partiucarly when you read such a heart wrenching account of loss such as your own.

You have lost a lot. Don't let anyone denigrate your grief. Your child was pictured with a future...having a name, a nursery, a school, friends, jobs, life and that was taken away from you with no reason, no rhyme. Take as much time as you need to get over your grief and if anyone dares to tell you 'it's just one of those things' feel free to smack them in the gob. Or at least give them a mouthful of abuse.

Take care of yourself and I hope that you have better luck and better care in the future.

xx

Dear Ladies,

After posting my account of what happened my lovely partner packed our things and we headed off to Brighton for a change of scenery. The weather was dreadful but so dreadful to took our minds off everything - actually the storm became quite exciting.
I've just got home, and reading these posts has truely touched me. My partner and I are in tears again, but I think it's because we are bowled over by what we are reading. You have all be caring and said things that never occured to us. I think we accepted that the care or lack of it, that we recieved was just the way hospitals are run. I never thought to complain.
If I do - and many of you seem to think I should, I will once my head is clearer. I feel better for going away however (not surprisingly) no one mentioned aweful piles - yet another side effect.
I am getting my head around what happend and as some of you had advised I've kept something to remember my little one by - a teddy from the hospital and I thought of him yesterday at the time he left me.
Thank you for your thoughts, they have helped with our healing and I will stay in touch to help others now.
X

I would also like to add that I feel human now, knowing that you all loved and missed your babies too. It seems all our feelings are similar and natural and now I don't feel so embarrassed at all. Thank you.

Oh oftendistracted, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my fist baby too I have a necklace in his or her memory which I wear(or carry) to family events etc and I have a ornamental Bear who sits and watches us. No-one else, except DH, knows about these things they are just there.

Take Care
XX

I am so sorry for you loss. The way you were treated was disgracefully, but not totally surprising given the way the NHS is.

I have not had to suffer a miscarriage but I had a horrid experience of having a suspected ectopic pregnancy. Being told that my baby was in the wrong place and they would have to remove it and my fallopian tube was the worst thing I have ever been told. Like you the way the whole thing was handled just made matters worse than they needed to be. It turned out that I didn't have an ectopic and DS was born 8 months later - he is my little miracle. I didn't complain though - intitally because I was too upset and stunned and then later because things had moved on. I wish now that for the sake of others I had said something.

No matter how early on in a pregnancy you lose a baby, it is still exactly that, a baby. A baby you have pinned your hopes on. Take the time to grieve and support each other.

oftendistracted i am so sorry for your and your partners loss. I agree what ever gestation a baby is it will always hurt to loose her/him.

I lost twins at 13 weeks and i was treated so disgustingly at the hospital it makes my blood boil to think of it, basicly i went to hospital with severe bleeding and the dr checked me over ans during an iternal examination said i quote ' i cant find any forceps or sponge pads, i am going to use these SCISSORS to scrape at your cervix' he found them on the side table in the room i was hysterical.
He then said 'well its a full misscarriage they are both dead - probably a relief being as your so young' admittedly i was only 16 at the time but that wasn't the point.

I was left with a bad infection that the hospital didn't feel the need to tell me about it was only when i ended up back in hospital fighting for my fertillity that i found out. (they had recorded it in my notes from the previous time but not mentioned it or treated it)

People seem to think that a baby only a few weeks gestation means nothing but it truley does.

I am lucky to have 2 gorgeous sons now but not a day goes past when i don't think of my babies that didn't survive.

I hope things look brighter for you soon.

how awful.so sorry.
ive not experienced a miscarriage and cannot imagine how you feel but wanted to offer sympathy and say im shocked at how you were treated by medical people at this awful time.

No it's not. When you get pregnant ou have a lot of expectations for the life inside you, it's your child and you imagine the firsts and the growing up. Whenever that's taken away from you it's just as hard. You either grieve what yuo will never have or grieve for what you have lost, we're all mothers who've lost a much loved child.

It sounds like you were treated terrible by the hospital and I would be contacting PALS for advice. I am surprised that at such an early stage they let you labour, they should have been able to do something else. Although as you were already in labour they probably thought it would be simpler.

I miscarried at 8 weeks and it did feel like being in labour, but mine was very quick. The reason you would still be having pregnancy symptoms was because you were still pregnant, even though the baby wasn't alive, so your body was still making the hormones as if it was.

You are not alone.

Oh My GOD! I am so sorry for what you have been through and totally horrified at the callous treatment you received. They should have EXPLAINED everything to you, they should have asked you how you feel, if you had questions.... Jesus Christ, I can't believe it. I am not the sort to make complaints about the medical profession as a rule, but I think that is awful and I really do think you should make a complaint. I know it might be hard, but I would stress to them that you are not kicking back at them as a result of the MC - there are two separate issues here. Your loss is awful and for you and your DH to come to terms with, but the treatment you got was appalling. I don't know if your GP is any better (sorry, I can't remember if you mentioned your GP in your OP, I was just so shocked at what I was reading...) but I really think if he or she are any better you should see them (or another one) and explain what you've been through.

Big hugs to you and your partner, I hope you feel better soon. xxxx

I have just read your message and it has moved me to tears... I am so sorry for your loss. I went through a very similar experience three years ago... the pain never really goes away but you learn to live with it. I lost a twin pregnancy at 11 weeks... which I only found out about at my early dating scan. I was treated equally harshly by medical staff and after a traumatic week between the loss of each foetus I was given the abortion pill and left in a side room and treated as if I had chosen to terminate the precious lives inside me. Within half an hour of delivering the 'products of pregnancy' I was sent home. Hardly a week goes by without me thinking of the babies that could have been, but since then we have been blessed with two beautiful children, and I believe my twins are watching over them. Take it easy and keep talking... it does help X