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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my mother to back off a bit

22 replies

cornetjo · 02/09/2008 09:11

My mother really dotes on my two girls. She wants to see them every day, and doesnt like it if she misses a day because we are busy. She had to manage for 2 weeks recently though as we were on hols. Whenever my mother is around, neither of my girls want me. Then when she has left, they keep saying "why can't we go home with nan", or "when are we seeing nan again?". I know it is good that they are so close to their nan, but I feel that she takes over my role rather a lot.

Today they both went back to school, it was the first day at nursery for my youngest. However, both my mother and father turned up on the walk to school. Both girls ran off with them, and held their hands and they all skipped to school, with me walking on my own behind them. I just felt that I had been cheated out of a special day of my daughter starting nursery.

I made a comment of "I may as well not be here today, no-one would mind". Then my mother took offence, got all shirty and started crying, saying that they were only coming today (in fact last term this was a regular school walk - approx 2-3 days a week they would turn up on the walk).

Am I being too jealous? I know that it is good for my girls to be close to their grand parents, but I feel that the school walk is becoming a bit of a family outing. Now my mother has taken offence. I am not sure what to do now.

OP posts:

TheMadHouse · 02/09/2008 09:14

I think that there needs to be a happy medium and it is really hard to find it.

I would love my mum or in-laws to take more time and attention. It just doesnt happen.

I can imagine that the wanting to be with nan is normal, as they tend to do all the fun things and non of the disapline.

Please explain to your mum hpw you feel and find a balance that is good for you. If she is willing to walk the girls to school, then let her, there is no need to tag along behind.

mrspnut · 02/09/2008 09:17

My eldest daughter often tells me that she wants to go and live with my mum, and rings her to tell her how horrible we are to her.

Thankfully my mum is savvy enough to take it with a pinch of salt and know when to agree with her and when to agree with me.

I think you need to talk to your mum and tell her how you feel and how you want them to act.

Tommy · 02/09/2008 09:23

why don't you get them to do a couple of days walking them to school on their own and you get to stay at home? Then, that can be "their" time and you won't feel you are in the way.

It is hard I know. My DSs are always telling me that they love Grandma more than me. They don't of course, but Grandma only does "treat" things with them and is not involved in their everyday lives

bumpybecky · 02/09/2008 09:54

YANBU and I'm not surprised you're upset about 'missing' her first morning. I think you need to talk to your parents about this .

Suggesting that they do the school run on set days per week is a good idea I think. Try to set some boundries and hopefully then things will settle down.

TheCrackFox · 02/09/2008 10:04

YANBU - your mum is overstepping the line.

Seeing them everyday is far too much and I would try to scale it back to a couple of times a week.

goblinvalley · 02/09/2008 10:09

Oooh, i so feel for you. My parents are just like this, including my mum crying when i have a word.

I can offer you lots of sympathy and someone who understands - but no solution, or not one that hasn't involved tears and not speaking

I dream of my parents one day waking up and realising that they have already parented and that it is not their time again - it is mine and dh!

If it is a special time that i want, i now tend either not to tell them, phsyche myself up for the inevitable 'we'll come too' or just silently put it in my 'seething box' and wait until i can take no more.

Good luck, it is a minefield.

Jux · 02/09/2008 10:14

It is taking over a bit. You could give her 2 regular playdates a week where she picks them up from school and has them until supper or something.

pollyblue · 02/09/2008 20:23

I love my mum to bits but if i saw her every day we'd end up killing each other . My cousin had a similar situation with her ILs (and they generally got on well) and found disciplining her children almost impossible because MIL was always there sticking her oar in, and the dcs would run to ILs when they didn't get their own way. Cousin deeply regrets ILs having so much influence over the dcs when they were little as she feels she has no control over them now.

dizzydixies · 02/09/2008 20:25

its maybe a bit much but I lost my mum 5 wks ago, a week before dd3 was born and would have loved her to have seen dd1 starting big girls school a few weeks ago

maybe she just doesn't realise, just treat gently

Slickbird · 02/09/2008 20:32

No YANBU. I think that is out of order and she is not taking your feelings into consideration. I think every day is too much and I think she is needing to take a step back. Ignore the tears. I have a mother that relies on blackmail and takes the huff if she is being a control freak and I decided I'm not letting it get to me in the way it used to. Anyway, this isn't about me, but I think you need to tell her how you are feeling. I'd be pissed off too.

pudding25 · 02/09/2008 22:42

YANBU> Totally agree with everything slickbird says. Selfish of her.

oops · 02/09/2008 22:49

Message withdrawn

lickleolme · 02/09/2008 22:51

Yabu, its only playschool its not as if its proper school.
My sister had her baby on ds first day at playschool and my dp's nan died on dd's first day at playschool, not a big deal at all, (not nan dying/neice being born, but Playschool)
I don't get peoples obsession with playschool, lets face it if you have been going with her to Mother and Toddlers for a couple of years,then whats the difference, you are only going to be hanging around for 30 mins and then going home.

MollyCherry · 06/09/2008 00:39

I can really sympathise. As an only child with an only child myself (dd nearly 4), my mum can be waaaay too doting and very overprotective, spoils my LO rotten and constantly comes out with things like, "You will make sure you keep hold of her while you're out, won't you" which caused us to have fairly major bust up a couple of weeks ago.
I find the only way to deal with it is to tell her stuff on a need-to-know basis as much as possible.
Perhaps if you sat down and talked to your mum about how you feel, rather than making off the cuff remarks you might be able to make her understand a bit (not having a go, but I know it's when sarky comments slip out that I end up having bust ups with my mum!).
Can you also tell your mum that the walk to and from school is an important time for you to catch up with your girls on what's going on at school, both academically and personally i.e. friendships etc. Perhaps you could arrange a day each week where they come and pick the girls up with you and come back to tea so everyone knows they have that to look forward to each week.
Good Luck!

Tinkywinks · 06/09/2008 01:05

YANBU. Don't feel guilty about some of the comments posted here, as I'm sure you appreciate your mum taking an interest in your girls but there are boundaries that need to be respected.

My son is starting nursery soon and it's going to be me and me alone taking him there!

I have issues with my mum also and it really fucks me off sometimes. I do appreciate her help especially as a single parent, but me and my ds get on much better when she's not around tbh!

UmSami · 06/09/2008 01:43

I agree, YANBU, your mums pushing it a bit too far, she needs to understand the boundaries, you are Mum and things do need to be done your way...you are also entitled to space with your DD's...but on the flip side
I was one of those obnoxious kids who used to play mum v gran, I used to stay with Gran in the early part of summer hols, as mum was ft working single mum, and when it came time to go home I'd refuse to...We didn't live close to my Gran but when I did see her, she got all my attention, mum none...I adored my Mum and could see everything she did for me, but I adored Gran too, she was fun and had time...I loved both, and didnt love mum any the less for the amount I loved my Gran, as an only child of a single mum, my mum was my world...but don't think that didnt stop me saying 'I love gran more than you' 'I wanna live with Gran' when i didnt get my way...aren't kids sweet?!...
BUT When my Mum died suddenly if it hadn't have been for the close relationship I had with Gran I'd have been lost, although Gran had a stroke a year after mums death and was hospitalised, she got me through that year...I still miss them both terribly and wish they had met and were here to annoy me with my DC! Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that a child can never have too much love, and kids have a bottomless ammount of love to give... sometimes its worth stepping back and seeing that a special moment is no less special because it is shared or not how it was imagined.

ethanchristopher · 06/09/2008 14:07

YANBU

tell her she cant do the school walk and set up a rota

or it will go to far and you will have a huge argument and you will completely lose each other

smallwhitecat · 06/09/2008 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Charlene1 · 09/09/2008 22:37

No yanbu. I told mil I was having the day off work as it was dd's first day and I wanted to take her and pick her up. We agreed she would be doing the pick up from then onwards (i.e. from the next day!!) and dd knew I would pick her up. I got there for pick up, mil was already in the playground saying "she didn't know if anyone was picking dd up, so she thought she'd better come to get her". OK I thought, she just wants to see her grandchild on her first day - fair enough.
DD ran out, saw me but didn't register, saw her and ran straight to her. So I was left like a spare part looking like a bad mother in front of everyone, as my child wanted nanny not mummy - on DD's first day at a new school - so I know how you feel!!!! It can never be "re-done"
But on the other hand, as MIL will be picking her up for the forseeable future, then I think it was good that she looked for her and ran to her and no one else iyswim. Still hurts though that she didn't run to me!!! Only way I could suggest to you to get round the school walk is leave extra early on a couple of days to "go the shop" or something, if you wanted to avoid them? Then if they are taking your child or picking up some days, they won't feel pushed out, and you maybe won't feel so stifled????

Boyswillbeboys · 10/09/2008 09:51

I agree with smallwhitecat, I'm afraid! I would love to have parents who showed an interest in my children!! I think you need to sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel, maybe you can arrange for her to pickup or take the children to school on specific days per week, so that you both feel you get time with them.

superlager · 10/09/2008 12:38

your parents sound good fun. why didn't you skip along with them, why lag behind?

bluemousemummy · 10/09/2008 12:51

What Tommy and oops said. It's nice for your kids to have a bit of time with their grandparents and it's nice for your mum to have them all to herself. That way she won't feel she has to muscle in on 'your' time.

I get jealous sometimes of my ds's relationship with my mum but I think I was just the same with my grandparents. I think I would mind it a lot more if it was my MIL he was so attached to.. but fortunately not much chance of that...

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