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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my dh could have coped with dd for a couple of days and not come home early??

45 replies

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 01/09/2008 21:23

Dh took dd to his grandads yesterday and was due to come back on Weds. Well they came home today as she was being a pain.

I am soooooooo annoyed. I needed a break and I was still left with 2 dc's to look after but we all needed a break from each other after the summer holidays.

Rant over but I feel he shouldn't have come back.

OP posts:

Portofino · 04/09/2008 21:39

Oh retiredgoth! Not surprised a nerve was touched! You sound like a most excellent dad. I think the trouble is there are a lot of lightweights out there who give men in general a bad name.

I must admit my DH is usually fantastic and great at spending time with dd. Though I have left them for a couple of days and have always wondered if they ever made it outside the house and what food was offered....But dd was alive and happy when i got back so I try not to get too stressed...

onepieceoflollipop · 04/09/2008 21:41

braveandcrazy I know you were asking expat but I personally feel it is a major cop out for fathers to somehow opt out of major aspects of childcare and domestic duties.

Most of us prefer the "nicer" aspects of parenting. The routine tasks are often a bit boring so it is quite convenient for a parent (regardless of gender) to claim that they are "no good" at them. Honestly, it's not hard to put a colouring book and a few coloured pencils out on the table. Boring, yes, difficult, no. Equally it's not the most exciting or glamorous of jobs to scrub the loo or put wet pants in the washing machine, but you don't need a degree to do these things.

This whole thing makes me quite

expatinscotland · 04/09/2008 21:41

People only think that because they are conditioned to think that. It's a sexist line of thinking.

They're perfectly capable of keeping children occupied the same as any woman.

They have two arms and legs that do what their brain tells them - they can go to museums, do crafts, ferry children to lessons, play games, etc.

I don't buy that for a single minute.

The men in our family are only exceptions in that they are not married to women who would put up with their using their penis as an excuse to shirk parenting duties.

expatinscotland · 04/09/2008 21:43

it makes me said, onepiece, to imagine there is yet another generation of people, our children, being brought up to think parenting duties are based on their gender.

onepieceoflollipop · 04/09/2008 21:49

Yes I feel the same expat. My dh is a wohd all week, then at least one or 2 full weekends a month has both the dds. He never feels that it is an issue.

I do (as a kindness rather than because he can't cope) leave food in the fridge etc if I get chance. No big deal if I can't, he is able to go to the shops.

We are a team. He is not doing me a "favour" as many would see it. He is forming bonds with his own dds that we jointly chose to have.

It really winds me up to see so many rl friends who pander to their dps and kind of talk to them and about them as if they are helpless children who need this ridiculous pandering to!

SmugColditz · 04/09/2008 21:53

I think allowing your child to be raised by a biological parent who doesn't actually know how to look after them is dangerously stupid, and very cruel. What if you were incapacitated? They would run a serious risk of injury and neglect, because everyone would assume that they are with their father and therefore perfectly safe, whereas in fact they are with someone who 'can't cope'.

Or is the reality as I suspect, then they would cope but it's easier to do the donkey work than deal with the whining that insisting on NOT being the donkey would entail/

braveandcrazy · 04/09/2008 22:03

So it's my fault then is it, that he's gone off to his mums, for 'putting up' with it?

I agree that traditional gender roles should not be reinforced to our children but I still think that a lot of dads are more comfortable with certain roles, and that doesn't make them bad dads.

onepieceoflollipop · 04/09/2008 22:08

It's entirely up to you braveandcrazy and really an issue between you and your dh - but you did post on AIBU.

braveandcrazy · 04/09/2008 22:14

I know I can't believe I'm now defending him because of the reaction to my post! Compared to some of the stories you read on here he is a saint and I was hoping some other MNers may back me up that dads can be 'a bit hopeless' at some things but that's just the way it is, they are blokes and a lot of blokes are actually like that.

expatinscotland · 04/09/2008 22:18

why do you need people to 'back you up'? aren't you secure enough in your own opinion of what works for you?

my opinion is that sweeping statements like 'dads can be 'a bit hopeless' at some things but that's just the way it is, they are blokes and a lot of blokes are actually like that. ' is insulting and untrue, as retiredgoth tried to explain.

i think that some men are only like that because they've had women mollycoddle them.

SmugColditz · 04/09/2008 22:19

No, it's not 'your fault.' It's his fault. That he continues to do it is your fault, for allowing it.

"Traditionally", men have used their strength and lack of preganacy to gain access to education, , access to the best nutrition, access to the most rewarding and least boring occupations. Women got to do what was left, and this was bundled up in shiny "feminine" wrapping. Men don't want to care for small children, it's tedious and hard work, so it's decided that it's 'natural' for the female to do the grunt labour. 'Natural' turned into 'traditional', and despite the fact that women drive our trains, women empty our bins, and women manage our banks - all careers considered unfeasibly unnatural 100 years ago - men still are NOT pulling their weight at home - and the reason why is simple. nothing to do with nature, or tradition - both these are little more than myths that have been mostly debunked in the last 20 years.

They just don't want to pull their weight, and their wives can't be arsed to make them.

UniversallyChallenged · 04/09/2008 22:30

What did your DD actually behave like then? Must of been really bad to come back after 2 days

Or was it more his dad couldnt stand a child's noise and she got the blame?

braveandcrazy · 04/09/2008 22:36

I certainly didn't mean to mean to insult retiredgoth, he explained himself pretty well, but I am sure he can find plenty of threads on MN where he could post 'not all men are like this' very easily.

I am speaking not just from my own experience but everyone I know - all my friends struggle to find a good balance with their partners and that covers working mums, part time mums (like myself) and SAH mums. In a perfect world the jobs would be shared and every man would do his bit but I think in reality it's just not the case. These women don't mollycoddle their partners.

expatinscotland · 04/09/2008 22:40

Anytime a partner lets the other partner not carry their share of the load it's mollycoddling, no matter what the gender, illness or working away situations or disability of the like.

But simply because they've got a penis, well, hey ho, if it works for them then I hope their partner doesn't grow resentful over time, or maybe the partner's just a control freak, but I think it's a cop out.

Sure, another person, male or female, may not do things exactly the way someone else does, but it doesn't mean they aren't capable of looking after their own children (again, exceptional circumstances notwithstanding).

braveandcrazy · 04/09/2008 22:46

Well it's been fun arguing debating with you guys I'm off to bed now

UniversallyChallenged · 05/09/2008 12:42

LazyLinePainterJane · 06/09/2008 15:56

Had forgotten all about this thread! Just wanted to add to what expat said about her father and to say that my grandfather, when my mum and her sister were small did his share of the housework, looking after the children. And he did this because he is a decent human being. And there would have been plenty of excuses for him not to, considering that this was the late 50's. I was raised by a SAHD for my first 3 years or so.

Braveandcrazy, I do not think that these people are the exception to the rule. I think that part of the problem is women who let this continue, but mainly, what sort of self respecting man doesn't want to take a share in the childcare, and will let their wife pick up crap around their feet?

I would say that if your DH does not manage to look after your children for a couple of days, then it is because he will not, not because he can't. WHy on earth would he not be able to? He's a grown man FFS! It's not hard! And when you justify it by saying "oh he can't" in that tone that says "he's a lowly man, he can't keep up with me, I do it sooo much better"....you are not only giving him an excuse, you are somehow making yourself feel superior. Which is crazy.

Bumperlicious · 06/09/2008 16:34

I agree with expat et al. DH is a part time SAHD, he looks after DD 3 days a week and does a sterling job. TBH I wouldn't except anything less, to the point where I was probably a bit mean in the early days, whenever he asked me a question ("what should I give her for lunch"?) or hadn't packed the changing bag with everything she needed I would have a go at him, saying "I didn't have anyone to ask, I just had to make it up as I went along, why can't you?", until he rightfully pointed out that I had been doing it on my own for longer than him, so no wonder he didn't know as much as I did and why shouldn't he be able to ask for my help . I such a meanie!

Anyway, point is he is great, everything is absolutely equal between us and that is how is should be. However, a warning to mums like me, when we are on maternity leave we generally have a steeper but quicker learning curve than men do, so when they do have to look after the kids all day they just aren't as used to it as we are (in general).

dilemma456 · 06/09/2008 16:56

Message withdrawn

braveandcrazy · 08/09/2008 16:41

Lazylinepainterjane I totally agree that women sometimes try to do everything because they think their way is better and they want to feel superior, but believe me I am not like that honest!

My DH had a couple of days off work to look after DD while I was at work and chose to take her to his mum's as it was an easy option. That was his choice -I can't force him to stay at home.

What I still think is the exception to the rule is families with a real 50 / 50 balance between the 2 parents, I'm not talking not dads who are waited on hand and foot (maybe it looked like that in a previous post) but dads who are prepared to take on any role. I also believe that there are many dads who would not be a SAHD if it was their choice. That was the opinion I was hoping would be backed up, by one person at least (but noone did

My DH has got DD for the whole of half term in October - I'm looking forward to it with interest!

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