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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want another baby....?

23 replies

Pheebe · 30/08/2008 11:14

..when DH doesn't???

We have 2 gorgeous boys already so feel very lucky.

I've had multiple mcs and if we tried again would likely have more so there's the worry for my health. I'm 38 and so there's the worry about downs etc. I'm the main breadwinner so it would mean putting alot of plans on hold and would mean DH staying off work even longer while bub was tiny. Financially we could cope but it would be a stretch. Practically there's all the added complications of the dcs outnumbering the adults, the awkwardness of 5 in restaurants on hols, on outings etc. DH thinks (and he's probably right) I'm trying to replace the baby I lost with the first mc so there's alot of grief and loss tied up there that he jsut doesn't understand (don't expect him to and don't have a problem with that).

I know all this and can see the practical, sensible reasons to stick with what we've got and focus on the future but I just want to be pregnant again, to bring another life into the world and have a tiny bubba again. I just can't shake the feeling and its getting me down now.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PavlovtheCat · 30/08/2008 11:18

Pheebe - I have similar feelings.
Practically, for us to have another child is not great, live in a flat, tiny, I am the main breadwinner etc etc.

BUT, I want to try for another child, now. not next year, or the year after!

I am sorry I cant say if it a good thing or not, just that I sympathise!

Boco · 30/08/2008 11:20

I don't suppose 'reason' really comes into this sort of thing, there isn't a lot of reason in that yearning for a baby. You can't help the way you feel, it's almost physical isn't it.

There seem to be a lot of reasons not to have another baby though, the biggest and most important being your partners feelings. It really has to be an agreed thing doesn't it, and men have the luxury of being able to remain unhormonally distracted about this particular issue.

I'm in a very similar position - although maybe a step further and I think I've come to terms with having two and not having any more. I have to think a lot about horrors of morning sickness, sleepless nights, poverty etc etc though, to keep me focused.

Ronaldinhio · 30/08/2008 11:23

I feel the same way I have two DD and would LOVE to have another but my DH has categorically said no.
In some ways I know it's completely impractical, selfish even, but I'd like another and so can totally sympathise.
No advice for you though!!

strawberrycornetto · 30/08/2008 11:32

i also feel the same. i have one of each so no one, especially DH understands. I am hoping the feeling goes away

strawberrycornetto · 30/08/2008 11:58

i also feel the same. i have one of each so no one, especially DH understands. I am hoping the feeling goes away

cheesychips · 30/08/2008 12:05

I talked and cajoled and pleaded my way to 3 and dc3 feels like the most precious gift imaginable - the one we almost didn't have. But still I yearn for another, it is a physical tangible thing and I understand your grief.

jellybelly2007 · 30/08/2008 12:28

Am kind of in the same boat. DS1 is 11, and due to bit of traumatic birth, I decided not to have another.
However, the hormones won out, and we now have DS2 (1 next week), which took a lot of persuading.
I was CONVINCED he was a girl, and (selfishly) felt a little dissapointed at the sexing scan.
His birth went fine, and I would do it all again, but due to space and financial restrictions, we decided not to.
DH had the snip last month (mutual choice) so thats it!
No DC3 for me
Feel sometimes like I'm grieving for the DD I'll never have.

Mind you, if we won the lottery, I would buy a massive house and have IVF to fill it up.

Original poster
Pheebe · 30/08/2008 14:40

Thanks everyone, its nice to know I'm not alone at least

I do feel like I'm grieving a little too, not just for the daughter I lost to the first mc, but to the one we'll never try for. Its like she's sitting patiently waiting and I'm letting her down Sounds ridiculous when I write it down, especially as there's no gurantees which sex a bub will be and the docs already think I 'can't' carry girls - but it is completely irrational and emotional.

I would never 'force' DH into anything or, as a RL friend suggested, 'just do it'.

I just wish I could feel more settled I guess...

OP posts:
justaboutagrownup · 30/08/2008 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocolatecakeforbreakfast · 30/08/2008 14:45

YNBU, i think where wanting a baby is concerned you just don't think rationally. There could be a million and one good reasons not to have another, but it doesn't stop you wanting one. I'm in the same boat as strawberrycornetto, have one of each so DH doesn't get why on earth we need aother and has said a very definite no, but i really feel that if i never went through the whole experience again i'd always regret it. Your past history of mc's sounds hellish and your very brave to want to try again, maybe your DH is just worried about you possibly having to go through it all again?

pointydog · 30/08/2008 14:49

You are being pretty unreasonable but you can't help it. Hormones are taking over and hormones are not rational. Men are far more sensible about this because their feelsing are more rational.

You have to make a jpoint decision on this one, especially if large aspects of your dh's life such as childcaring and job hinge on this too.

highschoolmusical · 30/08/2008 15:18

YANBU. I am Pg with no3. I was lucky that DH wanted another child but it must be really hard when you do and he does'nt. I can totally relate to how you are feeling - especially as I have had multiple PG losses - prehaps that makes it harder too. I know that I only really got over last loss by geeting pg again. I hope that you can resolve your feelings and find a settled place.
IMO, if your DH does'nt want to do it and there is no shifting him the I would try and accept this. You both need to want another, I had forgoten how hard the pg stage is and am the reality of a newborn and 3rd is kicking in for me. It has been a tough time!
Also as justaboutgrownupmentioned - you have to carefully weigh up the risks of having another with risk of miscarriage due to your history and the gender thing (I have always suspected that I can not carry boys).

Good luck.

Original poster
Pheebe · 30/08/2008 15:41

Thanks everyone. You're absolutely right about the girl thing. Although having said that I was convinced ds2 was a girl til the 20 week scan and the lady said definitely a boy, I had to get her to show me...twice... Funnily enough I wasn't in the least bit disappointed. Not sure it would be the same again though. And the thought of another or even several more mcs is a big barrier for me emotionally.

OP posts:
pamelat · 30/08/2008 22:19

I would be more scared about not going for no3 and then regretting it rather than vice versia

sweetkitty · 30/08/2008 22:25

I'm nursing my no3 right now and now she is here it's like she's always been here, she is so scrummy would never regret having her. I'm lucky DP wanted a third too I just get so that everyone thought we wanted a boy.

expatinscotland · 30/08/2008 22:36

DH wanted another one, even though we first conceived our third on 'accident' (missed m/c). It sort of solidified our decision to go for a third.

We didn't care about the gender, but I know he is pleased it's a boy this time.

I'm a little freaked out, though.

chipmonkey · 30/08/2008 22:50

Pheebe, I really don't think there is such a thing as not being able to carry either gender. I have 4 boys but have never had a MC. And apparently statistics show that it is 50:50 each time, but sometimes you will toss a coin and get heads 4 times running. But then, you could end up like me!
Expat, one boy is a doddle! And I'm still standing after 4!

pamelat · 31/08/2008 12:18

I have one and already want a third!!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 31/08/2008 12:44

would love a third ( was one of three myself and had a fab childhood) however suffered badly (hospitalised) with hyper emersis for both dd's and have 1 dd with medical needs and the gentic risk of the same for future children, I still want one last try tho' and it v v difficult to turn the hormones off! DH undrstandably ( with my logical head) is v v v reluctant!

ElenorRigby · 31/08/2008 13:10

My sister has had multiple miscarriages, has all sorts of fertility treatment and is again having IVF atm this time abroad in Norway. She would cut her arm off to be in your position.
IME it leads to a happier frame of mind to grateful and content with what you have.
You have a beautiful family already and seeing as your DP doent want another why cause waves, how about being content with what you have?

daftpunk · 31/08/2008 13:20

pheebe.

i felt like you when i had 3 dc.

is there ever a "right time" to have a child. yes, there are situations where having a child would be perhaps not the best decision in the world, not enough money, house too small, dh not wanting anymore..etc etc ...i had all those, still went ahead and had a 4th. best decision i ever made.

yerblurt · 31/08/2008 13:48

I would say no, be happy with your situation - you have lovely kids, a decent standard of living.

It's very saddening about the miscarriages and I'm sure there must be a bit of a feeling of 'replacing' the lost child - that's perfectly natural, but I'm sure the added financial and emotional stresses another child would bring would outway the positives. Stick at 2. 2 kids is fine in this world!

highschoolmusical · 31/08/2008 19:19

Just wanted to add , that you will never regret having another child but you may regret not.

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