to be cross that my Dp's Father opens his mail !

[babylove21]

My Dp is self employed, his father is the superior being when it comes to handling finances or so he thinks. He handles his invoicing for work and tax returns, he also sends slips of paper to request changes to tax credits etc. He insists my dp's bank details remain at his address ( which is only 200 yards from us).
He thinks he has a right to open his mail as he is ' family'.
It infuriates me yet doesnt appear to bother my DP. Am i being unreasonable???
I feel my privacy is being invaded too as i am finacially dependant on my DP, and quite honestly i think its humiliating.

I am taking an educated guess at his father ringing the WTC on our behalf,but i'm pretty sure i would put money on it he did.
But my DP has covered for him saying he did it, and as long as he wont back me up then its ongoing. Which is why i shall try it from a different angle, rather than making his father look like a T*, i shall make him feel much less of a man for letting his father take control of his finances and allowing him to treat him like a child.
Ego's seem to be more precious than other things!!

i dont actually see why its such a big del -yes its annoying but if he is in partnership with his dad his dad will know his finances anyway,its related to banking its not handwritten love letters.

tbh i think sometimes such things are better left alone its far easier to get on with inlaws than it is to pull away.

He is not in partnership with his dad.

Hi babylove21 - sorry I buggered off mid thread! Went to the beach...anyway, I digress, back to the norty FIL!

I think you did the right thing by taking a different tack with DH. Coming from the POV of "this is our new family" is good I think as it creates a kind of group mentality.

As tempting as it is to start getting angry again if he doesn't immediately change things I would try and hold back as its such ingrained behaviour people tend to react to fundamental changes like this by digging their heels right in and backing away from the change and the person suggesting the change like a stubborn donkey! I know its easier said than done and believe me my natural instinct is to rant about this but from bitter experience, logically, I know it probably wont work.

Try to keep talking down the "our family, us, what we do type of route and get him to talk about all the good things about being in a family and creating this unit of you, him and your LO. Then as someone else suggested talk about geting a joint account and how you hate putting on FIL and worry about the pressure it could bring to bear if something went wrong and he was in charge of such important stuff as your finances. Easier said than done I know but take it slowly, you cant undo however many decades of learning to be like this with regard to his finances over night.

Its a toughy babylove21 but try to take your time unpicking it all as its not worth a big fall out over straight away. Thats for when its been YEARS and FIL is still wiping his bum I reckon he needs to be prompted to think about the ways in which this isnt such a great set up - FIL doing all the bank stuff etc - If he thinks he has come to this conclusion by himself he's more likely to make changes without you two falling out.

I was in a slightly similar situation in that PILs used to open DH's post. It was only the stuff he hadn';t redirected though but they used to ring up and say "you've had this letter, and you need to..." used to drive me mad!
MIL even went to pay in some money into his account, the cashier told her that he should transfer his account as he was only getting so much interest and should get more. I was furious! I called the bank and said if I give you someone's account number and sort code will you tell me how much interest they get? They said "that' confidential" I asked how come they had done exactly that, then?
A bit now as I think I was overreacting a bit. You aren't, and I can totally understand why you're annoyed.

Thanks for the support.
Again tonight i asked will he make some address changes to his bank account etc and he said yes. i hope he means it. We shall wait and see.

And i think your right pinkmook it might take some time for everything.

I wouldnt mind so much but i feel his father is controlling rather than caring. He actually said to me that he should leave his bank statements in his address so he can keep an eye on his direct debits and ensure he doesnt get over charged !! lol I'm laughing because it really is so hysterical isnt it?
Oooo i replied, don't you think he's more than capable of taking care of that himself.
I havent spoken to him since i lost my temper and i know he can be a spiteful man ( curtesy of his ex wife) so i shall tread carefully for now.

Thanks again i at least feel more pro active about it all now.

Good luck wikth it all babylove21

The other thing that occured to me is what if FIL were to go a little senile, what damage could he do then? I'm sure he is fine, and will be for years but you never know. Something else to consider anyway.