I am v upset ... DS is in big trouble for getting into a FIGHT ffs. AIBU to be angry with the other kid and his mother too?

[ghosty]

Blardy hell! Bear with me, it's a long story and I need to get it down ...
DS plays for a soccer club. He loves it. Last season there was a boy on his team who was (and still is) a phenomenal player ... absolutely fantastic for a 9/10 year old. Anyway, DS has a love/hate relationship with this boy (who now plays for the Under 10s) - thinks he is a marvellous player and is slightly obsessed by him, always comparing himself to this boy's ability (Let's call him X for now) and then hating him because X has always belittled DS when he plays - tells him he 'sucks at soccer', laughs when he messes up, tells him he is a baby if he falls over etc etc. This has been an ongoing issue for 2 years and DS has told us how X is so mean to him and we have worked with DS to get him to not react and to rise abover it. X has been the only 'downside' to DS's love of the game. Let me add that DH is the coach of DS's team and has tried to underplay the issue this season.
So, last night, the U10s and U9s were playing a practice game together and DS got winded by a ball. X told DS he was a cry baby and pathetic. DS finally cracked and barged at X, who pushed DS to the ground. DS got up and threw a punch at X . X then threw DS to the ground again. The fight was stopped by DH and the other coach at that point (DH hadn't seen the whole thing, only DS on the ground).
This is when it all got messy and DS has come out looking really bad. X told the coach and DH that DS punched him and DS denied it . X's mother then weighed in and told DH that DS punched X. DS denied it again. DH told X's mother that DS doesn't lie and he believed DS. Both children were told off for fighting.
On the way home the other coach rang DH and told him that two other parents witnessed the fight and confirmed that DS was lying . DS confessed to lying and of course DH is very upset, angry and disappointed with him (as am I). DS is now grounded (ie. no playdates) with all electronics (Playstation and computer) banned for the 2 weeks (and longer if he lies again). I don't know if that is a harsh or light punishment but that is what we have come up with.
The issue is that DS is in big trouble (and deservedly so) but X has got away (AGAIN) with calling DS names and being a general arrogant little so and so and I am really upset about that. DS has come out looking really bad (lying is a terrible thing to do, we are very upset about it, but he was just trying to get himself out of trouble in a silly way after all). X's mother just focussed on the punch DS gave her son and conveniently ignored the taunting and the throwing to the ground.

I don't know where I am going with this. I just feel upset and disappointed with DS but furious with X ...

Hmm, well X definitely sounds like he's already got all the qualifications to become a Premiership footballer.

I feel sorry for your DS, but I think it's important that you punish him for his bad behaviour regardless of what the other mum is (or isn't) doing about X.

Trouble is, as far as your DS is concerned, he can't win - if he stays quiet or gets upset, he's called a cry baby by X, if he stands his ground he gets in trouble with the adults. I think the punch might make X think twice in future though.

mayorquimby ...
I think it is awful that those people were allowed to get away with racism. That's disgusting. To be honest with you, I think I disagree with your post. My DS is 8. He has been punished for lying and has been told off severely for fighting. He knows that if it had been a proper match and U10s he would be sent off. But I am not going to accept that he has been verbally bullied for 2 years by this boy and he is the only one in trouble. I would rather he stopped football than tell him to put up with this abuse (and therefore send him the message it is ok to be abusive - because, let's face it, if I tell him it is ok, he might end up saying stuff like that to other kids).
I am going to training tonight and I will speak to X's coach. I am going to make it clear to him that although DS has been punished for his behaviour I am angry that X has been allowed to get away with such poor sportsmanship for so long.
Last night I found out from DH that X's abuse of DS has been 'constant' all season - and many times they haven't told me about it. I was livid and DH and I rowed about the fact that he has let it go and not done anything about it (just told DS to put up with it). He said that X's coach knows DS and X don't get on but they think it is just 'kids' ...
I am really pissed off now.

Freckle - in Australia soccer is most definitely the poorer sport ... it comes after Aussie rules (big money and an accepted excuse for a punch up), cricket and rugby.

Is he old enough to watch Bend it Like Beckham - the Indian girl gets absolutely no sympathy from the coach for snapping at racist taunts and whacking the girl who makes them.

They do sledge in cricket to try and put the other side off. Unpleasant comments about your wife or mother are not very sportsmanlike either. I can see why your dh would be telling him to ignore taunts if he has a cricket background.

Like it or loathe it is part of the game and learning to rise above it, (or not getting caught doing it ) is always going to be in the mix for a successful player.

Just a few more weeks to go.

"But I am not going to accept that he has been verbally bullied for 2 years by this boy and he is the only one in trouble."

and i accept that this situation is a lot different to the one i described in that it is on going,the player is well known to him and it is much more personal compared to the guy who happens to be marking him on a saturday for 90 minutes once a year.
m y point was just that he'll have to be put up with being called all sorts if he continues to play, it's just the way it is.

this however is simply continued bullying, and i think the main problem here is that it has gone on for so long without anything being done. because from everyone elses POV, especially the other kids parents, it would seem a bit suspect that only after your kd hit theirs would you bring up the fact that he has been bullied by him for two years.
so while mentioning it will probably get people to keep an eye on the two from now on i doubt it will get the other kid punished iyswim.
though i can partly see why your H would try to get him to ignore it and rise above it because everyone has to learn how to do that at some stage, unfortunately maybe he didn't realise just how bad it was for your son.

i know that's probably not what you want to hear ann YANBU to be enraged by it all, i'm just trying to be objective.

We have had to try to give DS2 strategies for dealing with the bullying. He has been encouraged to report every incident so that the staff can understand just how constant it is (although, in an all boys' school, dobbing isn't exactly a wise option ). However, we have also explained to him that he is always going to come across people who will try to "bring him down", upset him and generally make his life a misery, because there are people like that out there in all walks of life and in all ages. He has to learn to cope.

DS2 stands out both physically and in character, so he is always going to attract a lot of attention, and unfortunately some of it is going to be negative. He needs to accept this and deal with it in a non-violent way.

Ghosty, I can see your DH's approach is probably the way to go, but the time to step in is when your ds isn't managing to deal with the constant bullying. Much as we like to give our children the tools to get on in life, occasionally we do need to step in to give them a hand.