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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

with my sons mum?

21 replies

misi · 19/08/2008 23:47

when my son is with his mum, she says it is her time and frowns upon any type of contact with me. I have for the first time this year, got more than 2 days in one go with my son (12 days which the judge ordered at the last court appearance as she was disturbed to hear my ex had not 'allowed' any other contact as stated in the original order).
in the past, she has not given cards to him I have posted for his birthday when I have not been allowed to see him around that time and she refuses to take calls for him either when he has been on holiday with her during what should have been contact time with me. this last 8 days though, my ex has been phoning and sending cards (not b'day cards, just cards saying she misses him and looks forward to the day he comes back home to her) virtually every day and it is upsetting my son, would I be unreasonable to tell her to go f*ck herself and leave us alone to enjoy what will be our last time together for several weeks and then reduced contact as he starts school soon after?

OP posts:
Lazarou · 19/08/2008 23:52

Rather than telling her to fuck off, I think she needs to grow up. Don't know what to suggest, someone will have some good advice for you no doubt.

LynetteScavo · 20/08/2008 00:00

It would be unreasonable to tell her to go f*ck herself, but a polite word might not go amis.

Your son my apear to be upset after he has spoken to her on the phone, but she is his main carer, so he will be missing her anyway.

Original poster
misi · 20/08/2008 00:10

ah thats the problem lynettescavo, she may be his main carer by default of court order (I was main carer till separation and he does not want to live with her or her scary mother like he does now) but he does not miss her at all. he is upset because he doesn't want to talk to her and she asks him questions all the time as to what he is doing, where he is going and has been, what I have been doing, it is like a grilling session, she practices PAS on him but it doesn't wash with him, just upsets him even more. I will send a text tomorrow but am wary as she will use it against me in court next month as an example of my 'agressive' behaviour and my aversion to contact with her, I can't win but I need to do something as my son has said he will not speak to 'mummy' again if she calls.

OP posts:
Alambil · 20/08/2008 00:14

how old is he?

You can phrase the text in a way that it won't be able to be brought against you in court.

Something like "Although I appreciate you're missing X, please stop sending cards every day as it is really upsetting him. He will ring you on X day to have a chat about his holiday and will be home on X. Thanks"

Overmydeadbody · 20/08/2008 00:15

How old is he misi?

Original poster
misi · 20/08/2008 00:17

he is 5 in october but whatever I say, her slimy git solicitor will spin it against me I am sure like he has everything else, but your suggestion is better tahn my latest attempt, will look at it agin in the morning and have a go!!

thanks lewisfan

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S1ur · 20/08/2008 00:18

I think foremost this must be hardest on your son.

On one hand he has his mum phoning telling him she misses him, which in my very direct experience is likely to make him feel guilty for not being with her. And on the other hand he has you tensing up and getting pissed off with her. (however discrete I betcha it shows) Which probably also makes him feel guilty and awkward and let's face it the whole shebang is plain miserable.

So, what to do.

Hmm, well, let's face it messy separated families are messy. So its about minimising the impact on your son.

I understand (and you do too I expect) that she finds it hard to let go of her son. She does miss him as she would if he was on a school camp but also he is with you - her ex which brings up lots of fears like what if you do it wrong or worse what if you do it better. And you, you poor thing, you have waited so long for you boy and now she interfers and won't let you spend time with him without being there somehow. ffs, I'd hate it too!

I have only ever been on the receiving end of this kinda thing as a child. It isn't good.

Maybe

  • agree a time for him to call each night, to say goodnight eg.
  • be understanding and supportive of her needs (to your son's face at least)
  • tell her how you feel and tell her really clearly that you need some space to be his parent without her.
-FGS agree some boundaries, get it written down between you and agre dates you'll have custody for the next term.
  • be a bit flerxible at short notice about those dates but only in important circumstances.
  • come on mumsnet and vent about everything to get it off your chest
lisad123 · 20/08/2008 00:18

I would politely say to her that he doesnt want to talk to her, and he will see her when he returns. Keep it simple, dont give her anything she can use next month.
How old is your son? surely the court should take his wants into account.

piratecat · 20/08/2008 00:19

the sending cards thing is ott. She shouldn't be pulling him towards her by interrogating him poor thing.

Very tricky situation.

Overmydeadbody · 20/08/2008 00:20

Slur has given lots of good advice already.

Hmmm, I was going to suggest your son tells his mother himself that he doesn't like all the contact from her when he's with you, but i suspect he's a bit too young to do that or to be taken seriously by his mother if he does say anything.

She is getting at you by doing these things, because she knows it will lind you up, so the best retaliation on your part os to not react to it, or at least not show her any reaction, as that is what she wants.

It won't last forever.

Soapbox · 20/08/2008 00:25

NO! No! NO! no! The whole point of the exercise is to get her to understand that passing on messages when you are not there is GOOD!

If you say he is upset and don't pass the messages on, then why would she EVER do it for you?

Given that she has the majority of contact, it is in your favour to be able to contact him between visits so lay it on, as thick as you can bear!

I would ring her up and say, 'poor didums, you really are missing him, do you want to talk to him on the phone'? Ah but only if, I can talk to him when it is my turn to be missing him like mad...'

At the end of the day though, when all the games are over, the hands all played, what matters is what your DS needs. What will make him happier and more stable? Think on it...

Original poster
misi · 20/08/2008 00:29

thanks slur, my ex is one of those though that would only be happy if I disappeared completely. partly why I had to go to court to arrange and agree contact times for the new term as her suggestion was sat morning to sunday lunch every other week and nothing else, which is a big difference from 90% of the week as it was before separation. I hope I am indifferent to her when in front of my son, he did say a few weeks ago he thought I still loved his mummy and then asked why mummy kept shouting at daddy.
I too had something like this when I was a kid but my parents did stay together in the end which is why I hope I have been as even handed and non belittling about his mum as possible, but I know he is a clever boy and picks up on many things and I know my patience has been wearing thin of late over her latest antics, so a sit back and take stock session is in order me thinks!!

OP posts:
lisad123 · 20/08/2008 00:30

but soapbox, what about the fact that this little boy in the middle is getting really upset having to talk to his mum!

Soapbox · 20/08/2008 00:31

Lisad- that was in my last sentence.

S1ur · 20/08/2008 00:34

In the end Misi you can only be responsible for how you behave in this. In the end when your lad is a man he will be all the stronger and more compassionate for the way you manfully () dealt with this crap.

You sound like you're trying awfully hard and your son is lucky to have you.

S1ur · 20/08/2008 00:36

durr in the end in the end in the end.

Is it the end? Methinks apparently yes.

Original poster
misi · 20/08/2008 00:36

lisa, son is 5 in october and the court won't listen to him for another 7 years at least, its called 'gillick competancy'.
soapbox, I tend not to contact him now when not with me as I know if I talk to him, it will upset him as he wants to be with me, he will ask his mum why and she will go off on one like she usually does, so I find it better for him not to contact him as he knows I am here anyway. I would never tell her he is upset by it either as I know that when he goes back to her, he will go through the mill not only from her but from her mum as well, but I have a few things to think about now, some alternative thoughts as it were, so will have a think over night.
thanks everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
misi · 20/08/2008 00:38

thanks again slur, nice to hear it from someone

OP posts:
Soapbox · 20/08/2008 00:45

Misi - you sound a nice guy and a concerned dad - I hope you can sort it out

solidgoldbrass · 20/08/2008 00:46

Misi, what you have to do here is separate the XP that done you wrong (or whatever the reasons for your break-up) from the mother of your son, who loves him and who he loves. If you think she is mistreating your son then consult a solicitor, if its just that you don't think much of her parenting style, try to be as amicable and civil as possible in all your dealings with her. Appreciate that she misses your son when he's not with her, agree that she can speak to him on the phone etc and say to your DS that though Mum and Dad sometimes get cross with each other, Mum and Dad both love DS very much.

Alambil · 20/08/2008 00:59

I was told my DS would be listened to by CAFCASS / court at 7/8yrs old so it may not be too long - hopefully you'll sort it out before then!

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