In making a few mean comments to mil

[beeny]

My mil is very lazy.When i was 8 months pregnant she used to come around stay for a few days and not cook.When we went to her house and there was hardly any food she would say things like well we dont eat much having stuffed her face at my house.My dh and her are not that close today i told them both to go out for a meal without me and 2 year old but we all had to go i was already in a bad mood as yesterday when husband said is that a pooy nappy she came out with its not my dinner is it.She suffs herself with indian food and rarely returns the favour she makes little digs about asian people(i am asian)and looks annoyed when i have similar digs about white people.Sorry this is a bit disjointed but am pregnant and annoyed and think was a bit mean today.How should i react

[PeaMcLean]

I'd be less concerned about her not having food in. My mum's like that. She just doesn't think and we usually have to buy stuff when we go there for a weekend.

I'd be more concerned about the digs. That's just rude. Hope someone comes along with some good sharp responses for you.

[chuggabopps]

if you are annoyed with her- have it out. sly digs will just fester for years to come, but I cant see why you would want to make racist comments back to her? what has her behavior to do with race? if she makes racist comments then pick her up on it, and your husband should too.

[catinthehat]

Hmm racist comments from both of you eh? Doesn't sound good to me - time to stop digging do you think?

[beeny]

I thought today i was more mean than i needed to be,dh has said she doesnt mean to be mean but doesnt understand different culture or religions.I think she deliberatly asks stupid questions and pretends to be more ignorant than she is

[beeny]

Racist comments like i saw an asian person drinking alcohol.So i will say well i know someone who goes to church but is having an affair

[chuggabopps]

yabu- you know you are really. Seems to me its not about racism, its about maturity.
all three of you need to rise above it. petty snide comments wont do anyone any good.

[Alambil]

"I saw an asian person having a beer" or whatever isn't being racist, surely?

Not in the true sense of racist remarks - not like she said "bloody P-i's taking the piss again, out drinking alcohol!" or whatever is it?

Or am I being dim?

[Overmydeadbody]

That's what I thought LF, unless it is the tone of voice the MIL is uising to say these things?

I do think yabu, perhaps due to hormones and all three of you acting a bit imaturely.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

If she meant "Muslim" (or some other Asian religion that doesn't endorse alcohol) rather than "Asian person" of course she was being racist. She was saying, "Look at this Asian person being a hypocrite, you're all like that." Just like she suggested beeny's cooking smells like shit, but is happy to stuff her face with it, while not giving equal hospitality. (And yes, I also understand that she might not have much food in if they really don't eat much, but it's pretty piss-poor hospitality.)

I don't think "digging back" really helps, though I can fully understand why you want to, beeny. My MIL is mind-blowingly insensitive at times (hell, I probably am too but by all the small fishes, she's Olympian standard ) but over the years I have come to understand that it's not malicious in her case. With yours, I think it is.

And all I can suggest is that you try - very, very hard - to rise above it. My teenage son recently confessed to me that he doesn't want to visit his granny (my MIL) because he doesn't really like her very much. Her loss....

The reason he doesn't like her very much has to do with her mind-blowing insensitivity, and I've tried to explain that she's like "that" with everyone, so it's not personal. He's a fabulous young man and will continue to sacrifice the odd afternoon for his gran, but it'll be done out of duty, not love.

That's where your MIL will really lose out.

I'd rather my grandchildren (er, hypothetically speaking) visit because they actually want to see me.

[Jahan]

I agree with everyone here.
Your mil will be part of your life (unless you all fall out etc) so the best way to deal with it is to rise above it. Keep her at arms length and keep your relationship as civil as possible.
If she makes digs, you can say something like 'Thats a bit of an ignorant comment' rather than act the same.
Don't let her affect your life so much. Just think of her as a silly old woman.

[ScottishMummy]

you need to both stop digging and making provocative comments and offensive coments.

you are now locked in a cycle of tit for tat and one up-manship

bit too toxic

anyway congratulations on your pg maintain good health and dont get flustered or retaliate

life is too short for such spats
it is toxic

[beeny]

You are right life is too short.She actually gets annoyed that i am muslim and also seems annoyed about personsl things.When i was heavily pregnant cooked a huge dinner for the upteenth time she asked if she could help.i responded by saying you could make a dessert she said i meant carry a plate.But know deep down should rise above it.Thanks everyone

[ScottishMummy]

when is baby due beeny?are you keeping well?

[beeny]

Only 7 weeks very tired and sick .But during first pregnancy she would come round when i was 8 months nearly 9 months and not help.

[ScottishMummy]

practise your serene smile and seethe inwardly focus on your family,health.cant please all the people all the time

[beeny]

Thanks Scottishmummy.Want to give me lessons in patience

[ScottishMummy]

LOL she does sound very tiring!practise your best insincere smile.think carol smillie, shes great at it

[beeny]

I feel like a cow but yesterday said to my dh i should have more faith in you.He is very successful position at work (a lawyer)I said you shldnt have said that her response was i thought he didnt care about my opinions

[Dropdeadfred]

Don't allow her to cmoe round and do nothing - she can only do that if you allow her.
make sure she ony visits when DH is there and get him to ensure she helps out, alternatively STOP cooking huge meals for her ad just tell her you don;t really eat much anymore...

[ScottishMummy]

dont let her become a divisive force between you and Dh.you are a unit.you are the mother of his children

[beeny]

She isnt divisive i cant understand why she puts him down.He accepts she is lazy and takes advantage.

[ScottishMummy]

sorry i misunderstood.maybe just accept that she is a cantankerous lady and unlikely to change

unusual to put one's own child down though?mum's are usually protectively proud and big things up

[beeny]

I think its very unusual i had a mother that was the opposite.Why does she put him down any views

[ScottishMummy]

denigating others can be indicative of low self-worth, poor self esteem. a compensatory mechanism eg feel bad about self so criticise others to deflect own shortcomings, make them look bad instead. it a maladaptive coping strategy

ignore it

smile

maybe she wont change

[beeny]

You sound very wise to an old cow like me