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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried that he is visiting prostitutes?

48 replies

Ffrankie · 18/08/2008 15:54

I have changed my name because to be honest I am mortified about what I am going to tell you but I really need some advice.

I have been with DH for 4 years now. Not long after we met he told me that when he was with his first wife he had visited prostitues on a number of occasions. He was very ashamed of this and said it was near the end of his marriage. His wife was rather emtionally abusive and controlling and he said that visiting these women made him feel in control.

Now I'm not justifying his actions, I have accepted his explanation but don't particullarly condone his behaviour.

Now DH and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch, and i admit its mostly down to me, I have been very depressed and moody and have given him a hard time over the last few months. I have sought treatment and i'm now slowly getting better.

But DH is acting weird, he's been home from work late a few times, which in itself is nothing but today he phoned me up to say he might go and see his children (from 1st marriage) after work. He NEVER does this on a monday, he has an arrangement with ex that he goes round two nights in the week tuesday and friday, and that we have them every other weekend. He has never just gone round on a didfferent night. He said he is not sure yet but will text me later.

So I Know I might be being very paranoid but I know how much I have put him through these past months and I'm terrified that he is returning to his old way of dealing with problems at home.

I know that being paranoid is part of depression and i hope thats all it is but could really do with an impartial opinion.

OP posts:

mellyonion · 18/08/2008 18:48

oh blimey....feeling your sress. hope he's there.

mellyonion · 18/08/2008 18:59

ffrankie...you there? you ok?

Tortington · 18/08/2008 19:45

need to know

PastYourBedtime · 18/08/2008 20:26

Was he there?

Slickbird · 18/08/2008 20:38

I wonder if she's away reading the riot act to him......?

mellyonion · 18/08/2008 20:56

not looking too great from here then???

ffrankie...please let us know. hope you're ok....

cheatedon · 18/08/2008 20:59

I'm guessing he wasn't there then....

gagamama · 18/08/2008 21:50

Hope you got the answer you were looking for...

Tortington · 19/08/2008 08:59

neeeeeeeeeeeeed to know

muckypups · 19/08/2008 19:14

Blimey whats happened here? Guessing major arguemnet and she cant get back on the computer or shes locked in the cellar or worse. Honestly im not a drama queen really but what on earth has happened

mellyonion · 20/08/2008 15:30

i'm still watching to see if he was there or not...ffrankie...do let us know....i hope you're alright. x

BitOfFun · 21/08/2008 10:24

bump- what happened Ffrankie?

Original poster

Ffrankie · 21/08/2008 16:05

I'm so sorry its taken me so long to get back to you all. My head is all over the place and i've been so upset.

Phoned DH that evening at his ex's and surprise surprise no answer! Ex said she's not heared from him that day.

DH got home at 8 and i asked him where he'd been. He replied "you know where i've been". I told him that i knew he hadn't been to see his kids and he launch into this big attack on me about how i was paranoid and didn't trust him. so i then told him that i'd phoned his ex and she said he wasn't there and you could honestly see the colour drain from his face. He then got really cross with ME because "I shouldn't be checking up on him!"

we spent all night arguing, he said he'd gone to the pub cos he needed some "me time" FFS!!! I asked him outright if he'd been to a prostitue, he shouted at me again saying that i was always going to throw that in his face.

Now we're at a bit of a stand off, we got no where, just going round in circles, he is sullen and won't talk to me, and i'm so angry that i'm worried that if i do try and talk to him some more then i'll loose my temper and say something i really regret. He is working long hours at the moment and so i've been going to bed before he gets home, really don't know what to think

OP posts:

smallwhitecat · 21/08/2008 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 21/08/2008 16:18

I think you do know what to think. The question is, what to do about it? I am so sorry and for you to be married to such an inconsiderate t*sser. I don't see how he can excuse his behaviour, and to blame your jealousy and paranoia is just despicable - he's practically been caught with his pants down FGS!! His lies are unacceptable, whether he has been to a prostitute or not. If it was be, I would be seeing a solicitor about "unreasonable behaviour", because that is what it is!

[hugs] - keep posting, we will kick his sorry ass for you!

dittany · 21/08/2008 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slickbird · 21/08/2008 16:23

Oh honey, (((hugs))) - I think smallwhitecat and Bitoffun have hit the nail on the head. I echo everything they said. He's pretty guilty by the sounds of things - turning it around on you is a classic sign.

smallwhitecat · 21/08/2008 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lisad123 · 21/08/2008 17:06

I cant believe he had the cheek to have a go at you.
TBH, I would go with gut feeling, if he really was at the pub, why lie about that?

pamelat · 21/08/2008 17:25

I am usually guilty of trying to look for the best in people and I really hope that maybe he did go to the pub but why would he lie to do that?

Would he normally lie about it? I guess its hard to judge from outside a relationship that you have no way of knowing about.

I had a horrid time when I suspected my DH of similar (long story but I was wrong, basically our car was spotted by the police in a dodgy park area and I was told). It turned out (and I do believe him) that he was going there to smoke cannabis - he had spent 4 months telling me that he had stopped and felt that I had driven him to this. Even writing it now, I can feel those nasty doubts creep in but seriously we had it out and we since got married and had DD.

However, this isnt about me (sorry!). I feel for you and I hope that you are wrong but it doesnt look good.

I would say that I felt the need to check because of his history and I would ask for the name of the pub and try to check up on the story (somehow?). I would say that if I were wrong then I was very sorry and that I would work at the trust issues but that unless it can be proven the relationship will never be the same again (trust abused)

mellyonion · 22/08/2008 17:03

oh ffrankie...i'm so sorry.

i was hoping because you took so long to come back that all was fine and you were just moving on.....

as a pp said...you are not to blame in this. it is not your fault, and you should, in no way at all, take any responibility for this.

who knows where he was....the fact is that he lied about it, tried to turn it around, and even used his children as an excuse.....

i guess you need to try to move on, either with or without him....you have problems in your relationship...you can get over them if you choose, but your husband needs to look long and hard in the mirror and acknowledge that he is wrong...until he can admit that to you, you'll keep going around in circles and i bet your resentment will build up, and in turn become an issue too big to deal with eventually.

i really feel for you. i hope that you can sort things out, and that he can be man enough to grow up and face his issues head on.

i wish you well ffrankie..i'm going to work now, but i'm around over the weekend if you do post back. xx

TheProvincialLady · 22/08/2008 17:16

I don't know how these things work but could you check his bank statements to see if there have been any unusual withdrawals etc?

I am sorry this has happened to you

CrushWithEyeliner · 22/08/2008 17:23

Shit - I think you know something is horribly wrong. i am so sorry you are going through this. Do you want to work on things with him? Is there anything worth saving? x

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