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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If I tell my dh to get off the fence re:contraception?

39 replies

Bobbiewickham · 15/08/2008 20:59

Quick version;

I would have had more children - he said no.

But have been using withdrawal for seven years.

I can't go on the pill due for medical reasons, and I can't use condoms.

Am finally sick of the am I ? aren't I? every month.

Have told him to sort out snip, but I can't guarantee I won't feel any resentment. He says he can't do it if he thinks I will resent him - but still won't agree to another child.

AIBU to think he is sitting on the fence and giving me false hope?

Or am I being horrible?

I do really love him, btw.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 15/08/2008 21:03

Hang on, he doesn't want any more children, yet insists on using the least reliable method of contraception going? What happens every month when you are wondering if you are PG or not? Does he sulk? If you got PG would he insist on an abortion? Is he really sure he doesn't want any more children or is he trying to avoid the decision by giving himself the option of blaming you for becoming PG?

(BTW, if neither pill nor condoms are an option, what about the contraceptive injection/the coil/a diaphragm? I know they are all things that you have to do but maybe worth considering.)

Original poster

Bobbiewickham · 15/08/2008 21:04

Can't do hormonal - had a DVT once.

He doesn't sulk and wouldn't demand an abortion.

Just blithely believes it won't happen, and has been right so far (except once - positive pg test, but AF not even late).

Buries head in sand.

OP posts:

chankins · 15/08/2008 21:05

I symptathise with you here - we have three dc and dh knows I would love more, but thinks we can't afford it, have no more space etc, all very true - but he also won#t use any other method but withdrawal. It does seem to work, all our dc were planned, so we have never had an accident, but still, I know what you mean, every month, I do wonder, could I be ....?

Maybe your dh is afraid of having the snip, both physically and also afraid that you might resent somthing so final. Or maybe he is not ready for somehting so final himself. Have you spoken to him about how you feel ?

Original poster

Bobbiewickham · 15/08/2008 21:07

Ooooh yes.

At length.

Why am here. Quite desperate.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 15/08/2008 21:10

I'd use Persona and tell him no nookie at all during fertile times.

I really would.

If he doesn't want any more kids then he should be the one to use contraception. End of.

Original poster

Bobbiewickham · 15/08/2008 21:12

That's what I think.

Perhaps I should get a Persona kit. Have used it before.

Up to now have been banking on an accident, though.

Am sick of the what ifs? now.

OP posts:

chankins · 15/08/2008 21:13

Yes, agree with expatinscotland - he should use the contraception if he doens't want any more kids. I am only letting my dh get away with this as I hope he'll change his mind one day !

Original poster

Bobbiewickham · 15/08/2008 21:16

That was my attitude, for years.

Now I want to know where I stand, once and for all.

Can't help but feel sad, though

OP posts:

chankins · 15/08/2008 21:17

I really do sypmpathise - think I will be in your spot ina few more years.

What are your dh's reasons for no more kids ?

midnightexpress · 15/08/2008 21:17

Expat, Bobbie, how reliable is Persona as a contraceptive method, do you know?

I'm in a similar situation, except that I really don't want to get pg again (I'm 42, have two lovely lovely but still small and very tiring boys, have had two Em CS, latter of which not at all plain sailing yadda yadda) and DP is v reluctant to get snip, which would be fair enough if he had a better suggestion tahn withdrawal. It's affecting the sex life badly.

Original poster

Bobbiewickham · 15/08/2008 21:24

Have a ds with a visual impairment, genetic cause.

I'd go for it again (all life valid, not such a big deal, etc) but he has his reasons not to want to chance it again.

Persona, I didn't have a problem with when I used it, but have heard shouldn't be used by people for whom it's imperative they don't get pg.

So, INBU, re: bossy stance, then?

OP posts:

chankins · 15/08/2008 21:32

no not at all imo.
Its very hard wanting more kids and knowing you can't have them, but at the same time knowing there is a chance each month that you could be pg.... awful.

midnightexpress · 15/08/2008 21:33

Thanks Bobbie. Sorry, I was a bit rude to barge in like that.

I think it depends on whether you can really come to terms with the finality of no more children tbh. He is sitting on the fence, yes, and I can utterly sympathise with the monthly anxiety. But you could certainly try the Persona. How do you think he would react if you did get pg?

elmoandella · 15/08/2008 21:43

i'm kinda similar.

can't take anything involving hormones. tried copper coil.

back to good old condoms as dd was a result of withdrawl.

have only managed to persuade dp to wear them for his first time in his 49 years of age coz i refused sex.

now sex is becoming a huge issue as he cant stand them and dislikes them due to religious reasonng. and every night i go to bed with a barge pole to fend off his pole if it isn't rubber coated.

he refuses snip as he says its again a religious issue and as it would make him feel less of a man.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2008 21:47

he uses religion as an excuse but was okay with your using the copper coil which is effectively an abortificant?

i don't get all these men who don't want more children but don't use contraception.

if dh weren't going to have the snip, it would be condoms or no sex.

elmoandella · 15/08/2008 21:56

expat - i said something about that and i think he said something that would have been far more effective if he had stuck his fingers in ears and went "la lala a"

the coil was horrible really.

emma1977 · 15/08/2008 21:58

Previous DVTs would only mean that you couldn't have the combined pill and patch.

You could have the mini-pill, implant, injection, hormone coil or copper coil.

JamieJay · 15/08/2008 22:01

I can understand that you can't use hormonal (I can't either) but why not condom?

If he doesn't want any more children and is refusing to have the snip he should use a condom - it's not that bloody traumatic to use one (that last commment is from DH by the way )

solidgoldbrass · 15/08/2008 22:12

Elmoandella: the religious viewpoint that prohibits contraception does so because sex is wrong if it isnt going to produce ababy. so men who refuse to use contraception but don't want children yet still want sex are just being arses, really.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2008 22:17

and men who don't use it for religious purposes but expect their wives to because they, the men, don't want children are also being arses.

elmoandella · 15/08/2008 22:17

aaaaaaaaaaaah!

glad i'm an athiest.

drinkmoretea · 15/08/2008 22:30

emma1977 - i have also had DVTs, i dont know where you got your information from but its wrong, i can't have anything with hormones in, and have been told this by various different doctors over 10 years, also my sister has had a DVT and been told by her different doctor that she cant have any form of contraception using hormones.

ravenAK · 15/08/2008 22:34

I think if he definitely doesn't want more children, he should get it sorted - probably the snip.

I'm having convos about it with dh. He definitely wants no more dc (he didn't really see the point of dd2 but is coming round now...) whereas I rejoice in the thought of never being pg again, but would love to adopt!

So even though we both completely agree that we don't intend my ever getting pg again - & the simplest thing would be a vasectomy - he's still putting it off, because he's a wuss frankly.

I think you should go on strike. Either he has the snip & it's over, done, & you move on, or he agrees to another child - but no fun to be quietly hoping for an accident for years on end.

emma1977 · 15/08/2008 22:49

drinkmoretea, I'm afraid you've been told some horseshit then.

I'm a GP with a specialist interest in family planning, so I'd like to think this is something I probably know a fair bit about. It is the oestrogen in some contraceptives that increases your DVT risk, not progesterone.

The only absolute contraindications to progesterone-based contraception are liver cancers, hormonally-based cholestatic jaundice, current breast cancer, recent trophoblastic disease, acute porphyria, severe allery to any ingredient, undiagnosed abnormonal genital tract bleeding or possible pregnancy.

I will accept that a lot of doctors get wary about ANY hormones in ladies who have had DVTs, but they wrongly-informed of the risk and often overly cautious. I certainly prescribe for progesterone-based contraception for ladies who have had DVTs in the past.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2008 22:51

how about progesterone for women with a history of lunacy PND/AND or depression?

i don't rate them myself after a Very.Bad.Experience.

but thankfully, i'm married to a real man.

he's getting the snip.

i'd go for sterilisation myself - i'll be 38 with 3 kids and a 3x history of AND/PND so they'd be willing to give it to me - but only if it were the Essure method, which isn't out here yet .

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