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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh & I have asked his parents not to buy house 100yds from our new home

78 replies

nolembit · 13/08/2008 20:59

After 5 years of bad luck and heartache (3 Mc's and death of DH's best friend) my DH and I decided to give ourselves and our 2 DD's a fresh start. This meant a new job for DH and a move from Scotland to a new home in a very small idyllic village in Cumbria. I left behind my entire support network thinking that it would be allright as my MIL & FIL were only 30 mins away. We have had an up and down relationship with them - they do not always respect our wishes as parents and have boundary issues but there are a lot of good things about them - they love their grandchidren dearly. They have however withdrawn support and comunication away from myself and my 2 DD's when they were 21m and 3 m for 6 months because they fell out with my husband. It destroyed me and I have been having treatment for anxiety and panic problems ever since. I thought I was going mad. 3 days after we moved into our new home (mortgaged up to the hilt) they told us they'd put in an offer on a house 100yds away from us and had it accepted did we mind? At first we thought what can we say we love them how can we tell them that it is not okay we'll have to muddle through, then we realised our fresh start which they encouraged has been destroyed - it is a tiny village how can we not be upset, it'll be like being back home with the parents. It made my husband physically sick to finally tell them, he told them he loved them and that if it had been a vilage nearby we would have loved it but that it was not what we wanted. They cannot understand our position and intend to go on regardless. Are we being unreasonable? BTW they are downsizing and so money to buy elsewhere is not an issue, they are retired and have no links to the village/reasons for moving apart from us. It is destroying my husband, and I am beginning to wish that we had never moved.

OP posts:

LazyLinePainterJane · 14/08/2008 15:11

YANBU!!!!

If you have spoken to them and they have not changed their minds, how about bluffing and just going in strong and saying "Look, if you move here, we will sell and move away, that is how important this fresh start is to us"....?

I am glad I am not in your position.

branflake81 · 14/08/2008 15:20

Actually, can I be the first to say YABU? They have the right to live where they choose. If they really do have boundary issues, these will be manifest regardless of where they live. By all means tell them you need them to back off etc but to tell them you don't want them living in the same village is, imho, a bit heartless and probably very hurtful to them.

desperatehousewifetoo · 14/08/2008 15:25

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Could you call their bluff and say that having thought about it, you think it's not such a bad idea because you have been considering returning to college/work and they'll be able to have your 2 dcs for 3 days/week whilst you do this.

Alternatively, find a copy of your own house details when it was on the market. Send it to them as though from an estate agent to make it look like you have put it back on the market.

combustiblelemon · 14/08/2008 15:28

Heartless? They fell out with her DH and so cut all contact with her and the children for months.

"If they really do have boundry issues"
What else would you call it when they'e waited until their son and DIL moved 'for a fresh start' from hundreds of miles away to within 30 mins drive of them, and then bought a house 100yds from them, in a village they have no other connection with, and not told their son they were even looking until they'd had an offer accepted!

dittany · 14/08/2008 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabiesEverywhere · 14/08/2008 16:06

If the inlaws claim to want to live in that particular village, can't you offer to resell your new house directly to them and move else where ?

combustiblelemon · 14/08/2008 16:07

Genius BabiesEverywhere.

cocolepew · 14/08/2008 16:12

I still don't see why if you fell out so badly with them, you wanted to move near to them. Especially if it meant leaving your support network.

midnightexpress · 14/08/2008 16:27

Living near your parents or in-laws is very different from living 100 yds from them, IMO coco. No matter how well you get on with them.

prettybird · 14/08/2008 16:29

I can undestand why, for the sake of a new job (and their love of the grandchildren), you might have been OK aboutliving half an hour away from them. Half an hour however, is not being in each other's back pocket: you could have managed the degree of contact. 100m is a different matter.

cocolepew · 14/08/2008 16:39

Oh OK I didn't see the bit about her DHs new job. As you were.

wannaBe · 14/08/2008 16:42

I am going to buck the trend here.

I don't think yabu for not wanting them living so close, but ultimately it is their money, and their decision as to where they live.

You say your mil said she doesn't want to see more of you, is it possible that that is the house they feel they were meant to have?

If I was looking for a house in a particular place, then I wouldn't automatically discount ones that were close to my family just because they were close to my family, iyswim?

I would prefer not to live close to my family (not 100 yds away anyway), but if I saw the house I loved there I wouldn't not move there purely because the family lived down the road.

janephiz · 14/08/2008 16:54

put an offer in on your ils house for a ridicululously large amount and then back out at the last minute

Katisha · 14/08/2008 16:54

Wannabe I think there must be more to it than that? Why would they happen to be looking in the exact same village?

There seem to be a lot of unspoken issues with these people.

edam · 14/08/2008 17:03

Oh dear. They do sound very odd indeed. Guess all you can do is make a conscious decision that you will NOT allow them to control you or wind you up. Very difficult but worth trying... and family therapy sounds like an excellent idea.

northender · 14/08/2008 17:05

Have just come to this thread which strikes a real chord with me as the same thing happened to me less than a year after getting married (12 years ago). We lived 300 miles from my parents but in the same city as dh's. We purposely bought a house about 3 miles away from them so we were near enough but not too close. We were on good terms with them although they always thought I was a bit odd I think. Both of them are however very controlling and have no idea about boundaries.

They bought a house literally round the corner from us and only told us when the deal was done as they knew how we'd react. We went to hell and back over it (discussions, rows,exchanged letters) but they could not understand at all what we were talking about. I ended up on anti depressants for a while. It is now a subject that is never discussed between us and them, we stayed for 8 years but as soon as they moved in we knew that our long term future was not there.

It was one of the toughest period of our lives but precipitated (eventually) our move up North which was the best thing we both ever did. Just typing this brings back some bad memories.

YANBU. I recognise all the feelings and emotions you're describing and urge you as others have said to put your own family unit first whatever you decide to do. Sorry for rambling on but I hope it helps to know that you're not alone

pointydog · 14/08/2008 17:17

I am finding this a bit confusing. Is this the sequence of events:

The inlaws fell out badly and stopped communication with you when your dds were very small
AFter six months you all made up.
You had a rough time of it and decided to move to a new job and new house 30 mins from in laws
IN laws then said they had bought a house down the road from you

Your in laws sound difficult. I am a little surpirsed that you were perfectly happy living 30 mins away, which probably would have meant regular pop-ins etc, and yet absolutely not ok about them living 2 mins away, which will probably also mean regular pop-ins.

Have I picked things up wrong?

Fennel · 14/08/2008 17:26

There is an optimum distance to live from parents and grandparents who are keen to see you but who you don't want to see. Our experience is that if you move too far away (tempting) they come and stay for FAR TOO LONG. But move too close and they might keep popping in.

An hour away was the best from my parents. Then they would come, occasionally, for the afternoon. But it was close enough that they'd go home again rather than stay.

clearly parents will differ on this but I am utterly sympathetic to the OP. I would have 20 million kittens if my parents tried to buy a house near me. Which is the sort of thing they might consider.

Upwind · 14/08/2008 17:31

I would be in bits if my parents (who are just amazingly inconsiderate) moved to the same viliage. We would fall out. They would drive me insane. They would cause all kinds of trouble with the neighbours and offend everybody.

But some won't understand that because they would not have these problems. If my MIL moved around the corner I'd actually be pleased. But because she is a thoughtful person she wouldn't dream of doing it without sounding us out first.

Cammelia · 14/08/2008 17:31

Totally agree Fennel, I live a long way from my parents and have had to gradually whittle down the number of nights over the years. Have got it down to 3 at the momnet which is pretty bearable

cocolepew · 14/08/2008 18:10

Pointydog, tha's what I'm struggling to understand.
My Mum lives 5 minutes walk from me, I'm not tripping over her. My MIL lives 5 minutes drive away. I never see her because I don't like her and don't allow her near the house if I'm in it. It's your house you let whoever you want in.
Are you worried that your in laws are so close that they will be able to watch your movements? I still don't understand why you didn't mind moving close to them if you don't get on

Original poster

nolembit · 16/08/2008 23:10

Sorry for not responding sooner but having just moved in don't have broadband in yet.

Since the big heart to heart my ILs have told us that they are still buying the house due to it's investment potential and are coming to stay until they get it sorted for renting and then they are going to travel the world with all their equity. If after a year they want to settle down again then they will come back by which time they say we will hopefuly have settled here and perhaps feel differently.

Don't know how I feel other than gutted for all of us, including them.

Thank you to every one who thinks we ANBU.

Dear wannaBe it is not their dreamhome, ultimately my MIL wants to live in the city so the middle of nowhere is not her ideal.

Dear Branflake it is a tiny village and I mean tiny if it wasn't then it may not be a problem. As for hurting them, they cut me and my 2 DD's out of their lives because they fell out with my husband over a toy! for 6 months at a time of great need, I had a 3mo and a 21mo and no childcare.

OP posts:

elkiedee · 16/08/2008 23:45

Buying a house for investment potential? That's not the time to be doing this.

I think your feeling about this is totally reasonable.

Katisha · 17/08/2008 10:36

Still sounds to me like they are not necessarily giving their true motives (if indeed they know what they are themselves...)
a. Now is not really the time to be buying to let
b. Why your particular tiny village?
c. Was this always the plan or have they come up with it as a way to temporarily extricate themselves from the situation they have caused...
On the info we have it doesn't seem to add up in a straightforward way.

chelsygirl · 17/08/2008 10:52

nolembit, I think they've bought the house near you guys so you can oversee it and look after it when they are off on their travels and you can deal with any lodger problems, which doesn't sound great for you. If they rent it make sure they leave it in the hands of a rental agency and they pay a fee, not in your and dh hands and leave the problems for you to sort out.

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