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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to make my own will without DH knowing??

34 replies

Chocmad · 12/08/2008 17:35

Really bizarre question i know, but since that newly married couple were killed on honeymoon have really been thinking that i should get a will organised ( something i've been meaning to do since getting married / having DC's but just never got round to ). But.....I'm not entirely sure that if something happened to just me, whether i would want my DH to have total control over how the kids are brought up - awful thing to say and he's lovely most of the time but i just know that if i wasn't here his parents would get hugely involved in their upbringing and i really wouldn't want that ( always had issues as they don't particularly like me and i don't agree with some of their parenting / granparenting methods!! ) Just wondered what everyones opinion is? It's probably not even legal to ask that my DC's have a 'guardian' anyway seeing as we're married and really do feel awful saying it but it's been running round my head for a few days now and was wondering... views would be good please?

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 12/08/2008 17:42

It would be interesteing to know - I wouldn't have thought that you could appoint a guardian as he presumably has equal parental responsibility and if you died he would be responsible.

I have been thinking similar (but different as have recently split), about what I could put in my will.

Need to see a solicitor I guess.

nametaken · 12/08/2008 17:46

I think that although you can leave your money and (perhaps) your children to whoever you want in the event of your death, you can't do this "with conditions".

For example, you can't say

"I would like my dh to have £1 million, provided he doesn't spend it on sports cars"

or

"I would like my dh to have the kids, provided he doesn't take them to his parents and give them junk food"

It's called "ruling from beyond the grave" and can't be done.

You have to give your bequests unconditionally, as far as I know.

For arguments sake, lets just for a minute say it is allowed - so you say "I would like dh to have kids provided he doesn't give them junk food at the grandparents".

  • Now, suppose he does give them junk food at the grandparents, what happens next?

You see how impossible it would be to enforce. You'd have to have an army of people watching everybody else to ensure they stuck to the agreement 24/7 and it just can't be done.

Twiglett · 12/08/2008 17:49

I don't think you can leave kids to people other than a surviving parent can you? Surely a parent's rights supercede everything subject to no legal bar to contact with children of course.

wannaBe · 12/08/2008 17:49

If you appointed a guardian, would you want your children to live with them? would you prevent your dh from having access? to stop him from taking them to his parents? because tbh I think that he could contest that and as he is their father he would be successful.

They are his children too. If he died how would you feel if he appointed his parents guardians over your children?

If you have so little faith in his parenting abilities and clearly think so little of him maybe you should question whether you even still want to be in this marriage while you're still alive.

But yabu.

nametaken · 12/08/2008 17:50

And the fact that your in-laws don't like you won't matter to you if your dead will it?

ChasingSquirrels · 12/08/2008 17:55

as Twig and wannaBe say.
I think what worries me is that if I did die and the kids went to live with ex (and I agree he IS their parent and that is how it should be) then they could very well lose contact with my family - and my mum in particular is very very close to them having looked after them while I work.
I didn't have the same concerns before we split - but now there is lines drawn and it would be much more difficult between my family and ex.

Original poster
Chocmad · 12/08/2008 18:02

I know exactly what you all mean, and i do feel awful thinking it - i do have faith in him and we have a pretty good marriage most of the time ( although we've gone through the usual rocky patches ) it just shocked me a bit that my intial thought when i thought of making my will was 'i'm not sure if i'd want him to have total say in their upbringing'. It is a totally hypothetical question as in reality i'm sure he'd be a great dad if i weren't here, as like a lot of men i know he doesn't DO anything because i'm here to do it all for him. I am being unreasonable and would hate for him to have the same thought about me, but felt i just wanted to air it somewhere without the risk of sounding like a complete control freak bitch!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 12/08/2008 18:03

ooh, tricky issue this - hopefully some more legaleagles will come on and enlighten us. I can see that the beyond the grave ruling is impractical, but I must admit I would hate it if my children ended up with their respective grandparents on their dads' side if the exes were to pop it too (I have 2 dcs, different dads).

I would like my dcs to stay together though, but in my situation, maybe they wouldn't be allowed?

Sorry for hi-jack, but you have made me think!

nametaken · 12/08/2008 18:04

Well, i'm sorry but you do sound very controlling and unreasonable.

You choose him to be the father of your children no-one forced you too.

stitch · 12/08/2008 18:07

i completely understand what you are talking about.
however, i think that making a will such as you are suggesting would cause the chilfren more problems

Original poster
Chocmad · 12/08/2008 18:09

Thanks for your opinion nametaken, it is an unreasonable thing to think which is why i haven't spoken to anyone in RL about it - think i am a bit of a control freak where DC's are concerned ( am not the only one am i!!? ) He's a great dad but since thinking about the whole 'will' issue it's just made me think - obviously completely pointless as if i'm dead i can hardly come back and complain!!

OP posts:
nametaken · 12/08/2008 18:13

Why are you worried about dying, anyway?

AbbeyA · 12/08/2008 18:14

I would say that your DH's rights as a parent would be set above anything that you wrote in a will. As a surviving parent it would be entirely up to him.
My DH died when my DS was a baby. I have always involved the whole of his family in our lives, even after remarrying. I wouldn't dream of cutting them off and luckily DH2 is supportive, but it would be very easy not to visit, have them to stay, talk about them with DS etc.
You need to talk to your DH about it and make a joint will.Make sure that he knows your concerns.

AbbeyA · 12/08/2008 18:17

I think any parent has to be worried about dying, nametaken-it can happen to anyone at any time. My DH was fit and healthy and never reached 30yrs-it hadn't crossed my mind that I would be a widow so young.

Original poster
Chocmad · 12/08/2008 18:18

So sorry to hear about your DH AbbeyA, sounds like you've been a brilliant mum to your little one and kept all of the family involved..i guess this would be my fear that my family would lose contact with my DC's. Will definitely talk to him as we really need to get something sorted.

Am not overly worried about dying ( no more than anyone else i guess ) but obviously thinking about making a will does make you ask questions about certain things.

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 12/08/2008 18:22

I find it a bit worrying that you have all the power as surviving parent, it is quite common to lose touch with dead parent's family, especially if the relationship was a bit rocky in the first place.Nametaken was right in that you can't have control beyond the grave and so it is best to give your wishes before-and hope they are acted on.

wannaBe · 12/08/2008 18:26

I think you need to think of the wider implications of making a will like this without your dh's knowledge.

Imagine if your dh died, and when the will was read it appointed someone else as guardian of your children, and stipulated that you weren't to have full say in their upbringing. Wouldn't that raise serious questions for you as to whether your dh had any respect for you? whether you meant anything to him? because it would for me. I would wonder what he really thought of me if he didn't respect me enough to bring up our children without input from someone else.

AbbeyA · 12/08/2008 18:47

You could discuss it with a solicitor to find out how it would stand, but I imagine that it would be meaningless because your DH is an equal parent.

bunchoflowers · 12/08/2008 18:55

Dunno, I think I would want a blood relative to look after my kids should anything happen to them. Rather than a guardian who would probs feel a tad burdened with responsiblity of bringing up someone else's kids!!

Is your relationship with your DH/ILs is making you think of death??????

bunchoflowers · 12/08/2008 18:56

I mean should anything happen to me

Quattrocento · 12/08/2008 18:59

The situation is very different where parents are divorced

ChasingSquirrels · 12/08/2008 21:34

quatro - how different, can the resident parent will that the children don't live with the NRP??

mumeeee · 12/08/2008 21:53

YABU. They are his children to and he should be allowed to bring them up if you aren't aound.

QuintessentialShadows · 12/08/2008 21:58

So, let me get this straight, if you were to die, you dont want their father to bring them up? You want them orphaned? You want them to not just lose their mum, but have only rudimentary contact with their father?

Are you just keen on being petty towards your dhs family from beyond the grave? Or are you thinking of your childrens best interests?

elmoandella · 12/08/2008 22:04

i've been thinking about this also. me and dp are obviously not married.

he has gambling issues, and i would rather appoint my sister as legal guardian with him having access. my dp is also a lot older than myslef. and i wouldn't want my kids being uprooted again is he passed away before they were adults.

perhaps op has her reasons for not choosing dh to look after kids.

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