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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that after 5 years of marriage romance should be dead?

42 replies

Boobalina · 12/08/2008 09:40

... I couldnt sleep last night thinking, Oh god, its this it now?!

Life seems a endless... ROUTINE!

Am I being unreasonable to think that films, Novels, Songs, art, TV sets us up to think that sometimes romantic things happen in a marriage after 2 kids. I feel a bit cheated.

Doe this mean I have to have a mid life crisis now and employ a gardener so I can shag him?

OP posts:
funnypeculiar · 12/08/2008 10:31

Lots of good ideas on here - but I just wanted to reiterate the babysitter one Me & dh had about 3 years when we hardly went out together - ds was a bad sleeper, then dd was born..) We both felt we didn't really miss it. But when dd was about 1, we started organising babysitting swaps with 3 other local mums (all of whom have no parents near, so we're all in a similar situation)
We were amazed at home much a night out lifted us - even if we just went to the pub 2 mins walk away. Yes, we still spent about 50% of the time talking about the kids, but it really put a sense of us as a couple rather than just as parents back into our marriage.

(Married 7 years, together 16 this November - yikes!)

Collision · 12/08/2008 12:04

Also, you dont have to go out and spend money on things and a babysitter.

Just looking nice, bottle of wine, DVD and a nice meal can be enough.

If you do go out the rule must be that you do not talk about the children!!

OrmIrian · 12/08/2008 12:07

Romance is dead and buried in this marriage and the DCs jumped up and down on it's grave.

And whilst I sometimes feel a bit sad and would love to be the object of someone's passion... I get a grip and the moment passes.

OrmIrian · 12/08/2008 12:08

We do go out together from time to time. And it's very nice. We discover that we are good friends, have lots in common and that we can make each other laugh. And sex often follows. But that isn't romance. We are simply passed that phase.

AnAngelWithin · 12/08/2008 12:58

Me and DH have been married 10 years. DH still buys me flowers for no reason. A few weeks ago, i went out for the day and came home to some lovely flowers on the kitchen table and a new watch with a note saying 'I treasure our time together. I never want our time together to run out'

BouncingTurtle · 12/08/2008 12:58

I think Dh and I have some romance left... but we're not quite at 5 years yet - ask me again at the end of September!!

Dior · 12/08/2008 16:09

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FioFio · 12/08/2008 16:11

This reply has been deleted

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Boobalina · 13/08/2008 09:26

I do think its the young baby stage causing a lot of issues... it was the same with first one until he reached about 18 months.... then we sorted it out and I got pregnant again! Not happening again!

OP posts:
FromGirders · 13/08/2008 09:35

Hang in there and just keep trying to be nice to each other until the kids are a bit older. When they're so little you really don't get much escape from the daily grind, and as they're still often up through the night yuoi're knakered too.
Once they get a bit older you can (hopefully!) reclaim some evenings. DH and I try to keep Friday nights seperate - that's when we watch utter mince on the tv and chat about non-kid stuff, and have a drink together. We both really find we suffer if we miss out on more than a couple of fridays in a row.
It's about doing little nice things for each other too. Generally staying connected and appreciating each other rather than gestures like flowers or gifts - the surprise and delight of those gestures doesn't really last long.

FromGirders · 13/08/2008 09:36

Coming up on 13 years married btw. oh fuck, does that sound smug - it's not meant to

bozza · 13/08/2008 09:37

Definitely think you are going through a hard stage atm, especially with being back at work. Mine are 7 and 4 and it is much easier now although DD is quite hard work at times.

Are you working full or part time? I would suggest cultivating other mum friends if you can. And then when the children are a bit older you can do babysitting swaps. I have managed this quite successfully as our families do not live closeby.

bozza · 13/08/2008 09:38

Oh and the day we met is our alarm code. Is that corny? Just not as obvious a date as our wedding anniversary or a birthday.

alibubbles · 13/08/2008 14:39

Crikey! I hope not! I have been married 26 years and together for 30, romance certainly isn't dead!

It IS the little things that you do for each other without being asked, my DH is a hopeless romantic and spoils me. I'm not talking chocolates and flowers either.

He works away Mon to Fri on assignment at the moment, only 60 miles away but a crap journey on the M6/M1. Friday night is always a bottle of champagne and a good special dinner, with or without DC's

He makes me scrambles on Saturdays, Sundays I do him poached, and we just sit and read the papers at the breakfast table and read little snippets put to each other, as we read different papers.

He does fab ice cream treats for interval snack during a film, grating chocolate, using mint leaves, swirls of creme anglaise etc. he does a wicked tapas board and it is the care and precision that I find touching as he has done it for me. ( and him obviously as he scoffs it too!)

I leave notes in his case on a Sunday night, we speak several times a day, even just a few words, just asking a question as though he was here.

Buying a favourite author's new book, writing a postcard that you find, talk about a book you have read, look at holiday places together, look at old photos and laugh!

We have to try harder with young adults around, to have time to ourselves, much easier when they were in bed at 7.00 pm every night! At least the house is big enough we have our own sitting room and they theirs if they want it, but they still go to bed after us, and theirs is below our bedroom....... just as well they don't rise until midday at weekends.

Start with the little things, then bigger things will happen naturally.

Above all, talk to each other, we are friends as well as husband and wife.

Boobalina · 13/08/2008 16:19

Its very heartening to here all this. I know this is a blip, and will try hard to rise above it and be nicer, kinder, etc and hopefully get the same back...

OP posts:
sparkybabe · 13/08/2008 16:27

I think what's mportant above all the romance is whether you actually love him. I've been married for 16 years in september, and I can say honestly that love doesn't exist any more. I like the idea of buying litttle gifts, cooking speciall eggs, unexpected hugs etc, but whilst he would like me to do that, I don;t want to.
If you love him, and want him to know that you do, any or all of the above. For me, I wish he'd leave me alone.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/08/2008 16:32

YABU

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