to expect a little help from my family...

[sophiebbb]

Went home last week for a bit of TLC from my mum. I am exhausted - have a DS1 (20mths) and a newborn DD2 (3mths). Am breastfeeding so am up all night etc etc.

My mum lives 3 hours away and my MIL lives in Italy therefore very rarely see either of them. Mum doesn't know DS1 very well for this reason and I thought it would be lovely to spend a week with her for this reason as well as to get a bit of help/sleep etc.

My mum looks after my sisters kids - DS1 5yrs and DS2 2yrs. Like all boys of their age they are VERY active!!! Mum usually has them 2 days a week but as it is the holidays and my sister is working she had them Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I knew about this in advance. However on the Tuesday I found out that my sister was going to a wedding on Thursday and Friday so mum had them those 2 days as well. Therefore the following happened.

Absolute carnage in the house for 5 days. I didn't get to sit down when my DS was asleep as I usually do because clearing up etc after my sister's DSs. My mum changed 3 nappies for me all week (between the 2 of them) and even those were done begrudgingly. I didn't get one meal cooked for me - in fact I cooked for my mum. Sisters DS2 was potty training so expected to wipe up his wee! Got no help in the morning with DS1's early start.

No don't get me wrong. It is not my mums fault - as far as I can see she got dumped upon. However at the end of it I have 2 mouth ulcers and have felt like I had the week from hell.

My mum didn't understand and said "why do you think you are so special you need help - I did it all by myself..." and my 2 sisters who live nearby my mum just laugh at me and think I have an easy life because I am at home all day.

AIBU to be a bit peeved....?

HappyMummyofOne - I do have it pretty easy when I am at home. I am incredibly lucky and realise it. I did work very hard for 12 years before having kids to work myself exactly into this fortunate position.

I do now see that I was being unreasonable to go home and expect to be looked after by my mum. I only realised the extent of her childcaring responsibilities put upon her by my sister when I was already there. It just meant that we all had a crappy, ratty, exhausted week. Moral - don't go home when up all night breastfeeding!!

I can undesratand why you were a bit upset. From the sound of it, not only did you not get any help from your mum (which she doesn't have to provide, to be fair - espcailly as hse is also childminind for your sisters' kids) but that you were in effect also pushed into the position of providing support for your mum.

So while you might have been a teeny bit unreasonable if you were expecting a "holiday" from looking after your kids while you visited, you were not unreasonable in that you had the opposite "holiday", where you ended up having to work harder than you would have done at home

The fact that you have a cleaner and good support from your dh is neither here not there.

I think for the sake of your sanity - and your relationship with your mum andd sisters - you need to stop expecting any extra suport from them, even when you visit. You do live a fair distance form them and they have worked out thier onw support sytems - which involves your mum doing some childminind. If you don't expect, that yuo can't be disappointed.

What it is reasonable for you to do is when you do arrange to visit, is to ring in advacne and check - with 8all* of them (if they are that diorganised) that there are no other commitments that would get in the way of you having quality time with your mum and for your children to have plenty of "bonding" time with their grandmother.

You know, i like the sound of that strategising.

One thing I feel my DCs miss out on is cousins. Cousins sound good to me. I have this image of a huge chummy waltony close-knit group, playing with one another and growing up together ...

Sounds like your sisters are a bit jealous tbh but maybe being back in the fold would resolve that?

sophie I don't know how you manage this since your sister is clearly not going to hear/understand, but your DM needs some 'holidays' from childminding for your sister, and enough of them that she feels she has time/energy to spend some time with her other grandchildren. Never mind helping out, if you go on this way she won't get to know them very well - and they will always feel that they come a poor second to their cousins.

I am on the 'other' side of this equation, and I feel bizarrely guilty that my DC know my parents far better than my DB's DC do and that the difference is obvious when they are all together.

Stretegising sounds good, though - and on the plus side, since your sisters DC are older, by the time you pull off this strategy they will be at different stages and your DM may be more able/willing to help out?

Please don't get me wrong. My mum has NEVER run around after us kids and I don't expect her to. My parents brought us up to be independent things and I am in my thirties fgs!! When I say "look after me" I mean in a very mild sense!!!

All I am saying is that I didn't get any help when I went to see my mum - it wasn't even neutral, it was considerably worse than neutral because I got to look after my sisters kids as well!! (and again I stress this is not my mums fault!!!)

I will be going back to work in January 2009 and just thought that me being on maternity leave was an ideal opportunity for my mum to get to know my kids. And the shame of it is that now I won't be going to my parents again in a hurry as it is considerably easier for both my mum and me for me to stay put!!!

I think that the main problem seems to be that the first person to have children in the family gets to have first dibs on the childcare from grandparents. And the subsequent people have to make do however they can "because X relies on me and I already promised childcare to them". It happens in our family too; I was chatting to MIL last night and she wished that we lived closer so that she could help when I have DB2. But then we both acknowledged that it wouldn't really make any difference because she already is a full-time child minder for DN. SIL has never acknowledged that we hardly ever get to see PIL because they are constantly looking after DN, and that does get on my nerves sometimes. Our children are just as much their grandchildren!

Quattrocento - oh the good thing that came out of it all was the following:

1. My DS1 had a FANTASTIC time with his 2 cousins running frantically everywhere with them

1. On the last day we stayed, my DS1 went up to my mum, climbed on her and gave her a cuddle for the first time (he is quite a sensitive little boy and takes a while to warm to people)

1. My mum and I got to breaking point and did end up having a very teary hug

1. I persuaded my dad to come home half an hour earlier and clear up the toys

Well one thing I didn't mention that does p* me off a bit.

When my sister and her DH came to drop off the kids on the Thursday (who by the way also obviously stayed the night aswell!!), they said that my younger sister and her DH would be looking after them on the Friday.

My mum and I did say to her, but doesn't younger sister and her DH work on a Friday. And my older sister shrugged and said something long the lines that my younger sister's DH was going to be working from home and he doesn't really work hard anyway.....

So of course we ended up having them until 6pm on the Friday!!!

Oh god, I must go now as this is my day to unpack the bags, do the washing etc while the help is here!!!

I think unfortunately the 'copers' of the family get the least support - that's what happened with us.

Plus the parents of the first grandchild tend to get more help ime.

It's not fair, but that's life. I suspected my late mum actually resented that I looked as though I was coping with paid-for childcare and a cleaner (I worked ft and some horrible shifts too).

We never had any help and had to accept that was the way it was, while my brother and sil had loads of help both practical and financial while sil was at home and their house a complete tip.

I agree mamhaf - it is grossly unfair when the "copers" in a family get less parental support - often (not always) they are just the harder-working, more independent-minded children who look after themselves and their own children responsibly. They are not less deserving of (grand)parental childcare or other forms of support. In fact, they are arguably rather more deserving of it...