Step mum has been talking to DD about death

[Pennies]

Ten days ago we spent some time with my step mum and today all this odd and worried stuff came out from my DD1 (aged almost 4) about death.

It turns out it has come from my step mum who seems to have told her about the demise of her own mummy and daddy and also the fact that Nelson (yes, you read it right, Nelson the naval commander of the nineteenth century) was shot dead.

Previously when we've been confronted by death (which basically has been in the form of local well known animals (e.g. a horse we fed carrots to)) then we've just said that they've gone on a long holiday because we don't see the point in doing the whole death thing until it presents itself to us properly IYSWIM.

So AIBU that stepmum has been going on about the fact that her mummy and daddy died and that she doesn't see them any more? With no further explanation. Should I have explained about death to her before now?

Don't use uphamisms (sp?). My family did and for years I thought "passed on" and "passed out" where the same thing. I was petrified when told a school friend passed out!

'Gone to sleep' is even worse Seabright!!

Children have some concept of death from around 3 years. Do you know how the conversation came about? Was your dd asking questions?

I feel that it is important to talk about death and dying openly with children, as what they imagine and believe from euphmisms is often far worse and more scary than the reality.

I remember my grandad being seriously unwell from the age of 3-4 and my mum preparing me for the day that he wouldn't come home from hospital again. I also went to his funeral when he eventually died.

I have been really honest with my 3.5 year old about death. he asked me what the grave stones were in the church so i told him that they had the names of people on...
DS- Why?
Me - so we dont forget who is lying underneath the ground...
DS- ooh, who's under the ground.
Me - well... when we get very very old or very very poorly our bodies stop working so we put them under the ground.
DS - will I die...
Me - yes you will, but you'll be very old. We all die, but not for ages and ages
DS - will you die
Me - yes, and by then my body will be all wonky and broken and a bit rubbish so it will be the best
DS - oh... can I have fish fingers for supper
Me - ok.

He is fine about it, we've kept it all matter of fact.

I did ask him where he thought Ghosts came from yesterday....

DS-ghosts are made from wool and you have to stick on scary eyes on top...

I left it at that.

What AbbeyA just said.... my thoughts exactly.

My brother died leaving a 5 year old daughter. If any previous discussions had been that "it was a long holiday", she'd have wondered when he would return. I told just volunteer information re death to mine, but if he asks questions i answer them honestly.

I have had a lot to do with Winstons Wish and they say that you should never say that someone has gone to sleep. When my dh died just before my ds was 5 my ds found him and couldnt wake him up. This had all sorts of ramifications for a long time, he didnt like people going to sleep in case they didnt wake up again.
Winstons Wish can advise on how to deal with explaining death.
www.winstonswish.org.uk/

lottiejenkins... I've just filled up.
How very sad..x

what barnsley just said

thanks for your responses.........

oh lottie that is so awful to hear - poor ds.

totally agree with the consensus on here - 3 and 4 is actually the age when they start to need to know about it. And yes they need the simple truth.

Funnily enough my mum held DS spellbound at about this age with tales of Nelson and how various bits of him were blown off before he was finally shot! Kids love this stuff - it won't damage her

Lottie - x

Thanks and to the op im sorry to hijack your thread, not my intention sorry!!

My children are obsessed with death, thanks to Disney, and yesterday when I came in from work my daughter right after saying hello announced "I want your clothes when you die". "Okay" I said "but I thought you would be more interested in my makeup", "uh, your right" she said, "I want your clothes and makeup, ..... and your shoes". You can almost feel the love .

If your daughter asked your stepmother then I see no problem. However if she "forced" it upon your daughter then there is an issue.

I agree with the comments here about being straight with LOs and not using confusing terminology and imagery.

I was 6 when my little brother died. Our parents tried to be supportive to the rest of us but as the eldest I felt very responsible for my siblings and our parents. Seven years later our granddad to whom I was incredibly close died and it threw me into crisis (and eventually counselling). Our parents had done their best to be open and honest with us about our brother's illness but we all felt guilty at seeing them so devastated and not being able to do anything. One of my sisters spent a lot of time talking to a family friend after our brother died (she was 5) and got through the whole experience a lot better than I did.

A friendly to Lottiejenkins.