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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to expect DH to come home from holiday when he said he would?

51 replies

Naetha · 09/08/2008 12:54

DH is on a motorbiking holiday in Scotland with some friends. When he first told me about it, he said he'd be going away on Tuesday and coming back on Friday. I was OK with this - I decided to make a bit of a holiday of my own and take 7mo DS to visit my grandmother.

Anyway, on the Monday before he goes, he tells me that he doubts very much he'll be home on Friday, and that it will probably be Saturday middayish. OK, I'm not impressed, but fair enough. I'm not that much of a bitch. I made it clear that I wanted all of us to go to our local agricultural show (that's a big deal in our town) on the Saturday afternoon at about 3.

I spoke to him last night - he confirmed that they were just south of Glasgow, would be leaving early in the morning, and coming straight home down the motorway, and everythign was going to plan. I then got a call from him at 12:00 today expecting him to tell me that he was at Penrith (only an hour and a bit from home) only for him to tell me that they had all stopped for lunch at Prestwick (which is even further away than where he stayed last night) and he hopes to be home by the time it gets dark tonight.

I am absolutely fuming - not only because it's been a damn tough week by myself (DS is teething and completely off his food), but to not even have the decency to want to come back and see his son before he goes to bed tonight. It's making me cry, because I feel that DH doesn't love DS as much as he should, and I'm so disappointed he is letting him down.

I was pretty hard on DH when I spoke to him on the phone - I was angry - I wanted to know why they were in Prestwick, why everthing was taking so long, why he wasn't bothered about coming back in time for the show, why he wasn't bothered about seeing DS. In short he hung up, and switched his phone off, so I have no idea what's going on now.

Despite all of this, I'm really looking forwards to DH coming home because I've really missed him, but I know I'm just going to flare up at him and be angry, which will just drive him away. I'll want to know answers to all the questions above, and he'll just say "I couldn't let the guys down by leaving early". AIBU to expect him to bother keeping his promises to me and DS and not let us down?

Any tips on diffusing the arguments when he comes home tonight? I really don't want to spoil it, but I am so angry and upset.

OP posts:
lardybump · 09/08/2008 13:43

I would be annoyed as well. He originally said he would be back Friday. Then only last night he said Saturday. Now it is Saturday night. He is happy to let you down but not to let his friends down who he has been with for the last 5 days.

However I do agree that it is not worth having a big argument over but you do need to tell him how you feel in a calm manor, or it will fester.

Kewcumber · 09/08/2008 13:45

It sounds to me like he is still living a childfree life whilst you feel you have all teh responsibility.

I don;t think its is unreasonable for the father of a young baby to be hoome when they said they would after nearly a week away. Surely a grown man can say to his friends - "no mate I can't head for Prestwick I need to be home by 2pm." Sorry but he soudns more like a teenager caving in to peer pressure if he felt he couldn't say no to them - that would piss me off more than anything else!

unfitmother · 09/08/2008 13:45

Poor you!

You're allowed to feel sorry for yourself but hope you hake things up with DH or you'll just feel worse. Try and stay calm and let him know you were disapointed. Then let him make it up to you

TotalChaos · 09/08/2008 13:45

I can fully see why you are pissed off, I would be too in those circumstances. But don't get mad - get even! Start thinking of nice stuff for you - even if it's not a week's holiday, a regular break - gym/cinema etc.

VictorianSqualor · 09/08/2008 13:46

Naetha, there is nothing wrong with having a good ole cry if you need to, I'd probably grab him when he walked in the door and say 'I'm so glad you're home, I really need a hug, I've had a shite week'. In fact I do that to DP at least once a week after a bad day.

lardybump · 09/08/2008 13:47

Also have you spoken to anyone about PND. It could be this rather than PMT. You may need a little help, I did and it didn't kick in with me until dd was 8 months old. I spoke to HV and GP and had regular appointments. I didn't need drugs just support.

Kewcumber · 09/08/2008 13:48

Sorry VS I'm not a biker so perhaps I'm missing something - but if the group changed their plans and they didn;t suit him why couldnt he ride back on his own he's an adult not a 7 year old.

Original poster
Naetha · 09/08/2008 13:50

I can't believe this.

I've just got a phone call to hear that he's come off his bike. He's done his knee in, and is going in an ambulance to Dumfries hospital.

His phone has no battery or charger, he'll try and call tonight, but doesn't know if he can.

Puts it in to perspective I suppose.

OP posts:
posieflump · 09/08/2008 13:51

shit, hope he is okay xxx

TotalChaos · 09/08/2008 13:52

oh shit, hope it's nothing too serious and he doesn't have to stay in.

lardybump · 09/08/2008 13:52

Hope he is ok and that you have a better night....

lilymolly · 09/08/2008 13:53

oh sweetie sooooooooooooo sorry

hope he is ok, god what an awful way to put things into perspective

REALLY hope he is ok xxxxxx

Helsbels4 · 09/08/2008 13:54

Oh, poor you. I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all! I think that anyone who says you are are either saints, doormats or don't look after LO's all day every day. If he said he'd be home this afternoon then he should be unless he'd rung and asked if he could stay longer. It's called respect for each other. I certainly wouldn't look after him or give him sex

Helsbels4 · 09/08/2008 13:57

Sorry Naetha, only just read the accident bit since I posted. Is everything ok?

beanieb · 09/08/2008 14:00

hospitals have phones, he should be able to call.

Original poster
Naetha · 09/08/2008 14:00

I only spoke to him briefly because he had to get in the ambulance - I don't know if I should drive up there now or what? He said he's busted his knee, so I'm guessing he can't ride home anyway (just as well he got full RAC membership!).

More than anything I just want to see him.

OP posts:
pinkyp · 09/08/2008 14:00

I'd tell him that your having a lie in tomorrow bcoz lo's been teething all week, if he complians he's knackered then tell him he's had all week to sleep as much as he likes. Tell him how you feel, although try and wait til he's got in and taken his coat off etc first and tell him you want a chat as your not happy about things at the moment.

barnsleybelle · 09/08/2008 14:03

Get lo in the car and go... That's what i'd do. Is there anyone who could go with you?

lardybump · 09/08/2008 14:05

Get ds in the car and go. Pack an overnight bag for ds just incase you stay up there.

Original poster
Naetha · 09/08/2008 14:11

Going now - thanks for the support

OP posts:
TheRealMrsJohnSimm · 09/08/2008 14:12

I agree that you should go and see him. Presumably he won't be fit to ride his bike after the hospital visit (given that it was serious enough for an ambulance to be needed) so will need a lift back anyway.

Sorry you have had such a sh*tty week. Passing comment on the rights and wrongs of your DH's behaviour thus far seems a little harsh in light of recent news so will refrain.

Frizbe · 09/08/2008 14:39

Agree, get in the car and go, hope he's mended soon {{{{Hugs}}}}}

pudding25 · 09/08/2008 21:19

Awful that he has been hurt and hope is ok. However, it doesnt excuse the fact that IMO, he is a selfish bastard! My DH wouldnt go away for almost a week and leave me with the baby anyway, especially if she was teething. And then to expect to have all that time off the next day, bloody cheek if you ask me.
Hope all is ok and that you resolve any issues.

Original poster
Naetha · 10/08/2008 22:35

Just got back - DH is now in the local hospital. He's OK, but missing a 2 inch chunk of skin from his right knee, so needs a couple of operations to put that right. He's OK in himself, although a little shaken. He was only doing about 15mph when he skidded on some gravel and came off - he's got off pretty lightly considering.

We resolved the whole issue about not coming home when he said he would - it was a bit of a mistake (for which I feel rather bad about moaning about!) because he didn't realise the other guys were going via Prestwick - he didn't realise where they were until he got there (terrible sense of direction), and would have then made his own way back, only he didn't know the way. He agreed that his phone manner needed a bit of improvement though! The irony is, if they hadn't gone via Prestwick, it is unlikely the accident would have happened at all - the weather was appalling, everyone was knackered (mentally and physically) and the guy leading decided to take really tough technical roads when there were easier (and shorter) routes to have taken. The upshot is, that he's decided to only go on those sorts of holidays if he's in control of routes and distances, and we're hoping to go back to Scotland next year

Thanks for the support and putting up with my minor PMT induced irrationality (((hugs)))

OP posts:
lilymolly · 10/08/2008 22:51

Oh I am so glad he is ok, been thinking about you all weekend

LM x