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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call in sick for work because I am having a miscarriage

49 replies

roseability · 08/08/2008 22:01

It is a very early miscarriage. Would be 5 weeks today. Heavy bleeding and severe cramps but above all very emtionally delicate. I still feel guilty though, probably could have got through my shift tonight (nurse)

OP posts:

yogabird · 08/08/2008 22:50

i carried on and went in to work and looking back i must have been mad - i was pale and weak and shaky and clearly ill. Nothing i did that day needed me to be there, goodness knows why i did. Take good care of yourself. So sorry, i have been there several times

ipanemagirl · 08/08/2008 22:52

God no! yanbu!! Big hugs, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Medically it's a serious thing with the risk of infection too, emotionally it's a massive shock. Please take what time you need to feel physically well at least!

twinsetandpearls · 08/08/2008 22:53

No I had a miscarriage earlier in the year and I can remember feeling guilty at being at home. But I was so emotionally fragile I needed time.

Quattrocento · 08/08/2008 22:55

Sorry about your miscarriage

Don't feel guilty - I had a work colleague take three weeks off for a miscarriage - v early one too - no medical complications - not even a D&C - thought she was taking the piss frankly ...

overthemill · 08/08/2008 22:58

so sorry to hear this. i have had 2 mc and first time i had 12 weeks off as i was completely devastated/single/ and also really really ill.

2nd one i had 6 days - and it wasnt enough, i needed more time but had just started new senior job. take care of yourself and your loved ones.

ButNotThatBrave · 08/08/2008 23:01

. No YA definitely NBU. Take the time you need. Hope you feel much better very soon.

SugarPig · 08/08/2008 23:09

I worked every day through mine and it is a huge regret - for some reason I felt I didn't have a right to be upset and off work cos it was a very early miscarriage.

Take all the time you need- if I am ever unfortunate to go through a m/c again I wouldn't hesitate to stay off work.

So sorry for your loss.

squilly · 08/08/2008 23:55

You should take at least a week (and that's based on you being a complete workaholic). Two would be better.

It's not that you need it physically, but mentally, you need some time to wrap your head around what's happened and to readjust your expectations...figure out what you'll do next.

I had 4 in all. First one I missed a week from work (on bosses insistence). Second I took a fortnight. Third I quit my job and took 3 weeks off. Forth I decided I wouldn't be doing it again and started a 5 year carers break.

Stuff guilt. Life's too short for that. And I've learned from doing various jobs during the various mcs that the only people you need to care about in this equation are you and your partner.

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss and hope you feel much, much better soon. But if you don't, don't beat yourself up. You'll probably be up and down emotionally for a while.

Take care of yourself...

LackaDAISYcal · 09/08/2008 00:00

oh, you poor love

not at all unreasonable. take as much time as you feel you need; it is physically as well as emotionally draining and i imagine that being a nurse and providing a caring role to others would just sap even more out of you. not to mention if you start bleeding heavily as well.

Take care, be kind to yourself and rest up...with chocolate

giraffescantdancethetango · 09/08/2008 00:11

yanbu

hatwoman · 09/08/2008 00:19

can I add one other thing, as well as complete agreement with all the other comments here - if your guilt is (perhaps in part) coming from some idea that you owe them a truthful/full explanation then take that idea away too. Someone with relevant experience earlier on in the thread said it can work well to tell them but if you don't want to you absolutely have no reason/obligation to explain and certainly no reason to feel guilty. take care of yourself.

3Ddonut · 09/08/2008 01:02

You are absolutley not being unreasonable, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm a nurse too, and I firmly believe that you have to care for the carers. So, please, relax and take time to feel better. Thinking of you.

mammya · 09/08/2008 01:05

no of course YANBU. Take care of yourself.

Elasticwoman · 09/08/2008 11:00

An early m/c can make you feel very washed out. Good idea to rest and go to work when you feel better.

Are you saying that if you hadn't done a pg test, you would just have regarded this as a late and rather uncomfortable period, and gone to work?

Original poster

roseability · 10/08/2008 00:49

Thank you so much for all your lovely messages of support. This is actually my second consecutive early miscarriage. The last time I went onto a night shift whilst bleeding heavily and feeling weak. I got through but it drained me.

I actually told my boss the truth and she was understanding about it. I bled heavily through the night, so glad I didn't go in. I suppose because I only do one shift a week, I feel terrible if I am off.

I do feel washed out and weak. My work has a policy that if you have so many days off in a 12 month period you have to have an interview with line manager. I have already had such an interview and will probably have to have another one, but I suppose 2 miscarriages is a good enough reason to be off.

OP posts:

AnnVan · 10/08/2008 01:09

You're not being unreasonable. I had time off a few months ago when I had m/c. I felt too emotionally fragile to ace work. THought are with you.

mylittlemonsters · 10/08/2008 02:10

Absolutely not!

PurpleOne · 10/08/2008 03:55

YANBU

Please take it easy and take care of yourself.

SesQal · 10/08/2008 14:21

My work has a policy of having a return to work interview with every absence. However any pregnancy related illness is exempt and in the case of my miscarriage and subsequent complications I was also exempt and was thankful that I felt supported by my boss and those colleagues that knew.

Take care. x

Original poster

roseability · 10/08/2008 17:46

Elasticwoman with my first miscarriage/chemical pregnancy if I hadn't of tested, I would probably never have known. However this time I got to 5 weeks (my periods are regular) and I had all the symptoms along with positive tests. I think I would have known anyway. The bleeding has been a lot heavier than any period I have had as well with much more painful cramps. I think it is the fact that this has happened twice that has knocked me. I am back at work on thursday so will take it easy until then and hopefully get back into things. thanks for all your kind words

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 10/08/2008 22:05

Well you were definitely ill enough to be off work, Roseability. I think what's making you feel guilty is the fact you only work one night a week. You should separate that from the fact of your indisposition.

ScottishMummy · 10/08/2008 22:11

so sorry so sad about your news.get a sick line from gp.this is a bereavement.take as much time as you have to

please take care

protect your mental and physical health

thinking of you

squilly · 11/08/2008 11:14

The introduction of post-sickness interviews is to ensure managers address periods of sickness for all employees. It means they have an avenue through which they can tackle unwarranted periods of sick leave (any other excuses reasons given are bunkum). You are undergoing a massive physical and psychological trauma. The fact it's your second mc makes the psychological impact worse. You are more than entitled to get your doctor to sign you off for a period of time.

You have to be mentally and physically ready to go back to work. And your employers should be sympathetic to your plight. If not, it's time to contact your union. And if you're not in one, perhaps now's the time to join!

I loathe the way companies, particularly government led organisations, are starting to punish people who are off sick with stressful interview processes on their return.

Sorry...I'm going on a bit, but if you've been through something like this the last thing you want to be worrying about is the back to work interview.

I hope it all goes o.k. for you and that you have a good rest.

Gateau · 11/08/2008 12:40

YANBU.
I did the same when I had a m/c.
Sorry for your loss; rest.

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