34 wks pg and friend annoyed that I don't feel up to entertaining her for lunch.

[ipanemagirl]

I'm very tired after really overdoing it for the last 2 weeks and felt a little sick this morning, phoned her up and said I couldn't have her for lunch and she basically said - go to bed so you're up for it tomorrow! So I texted her tonight that I still felt bad and was going to crash out again tomorrow. No response - that means she's p*d off.

I just don't understand the bullish visitor. Surely you should visit people when they're feeling well and up for it?

I am very fond of her, she's a great strong character and a huge laugh but it's such a drag when it veers into her being a bully. She just sees most things in terms of what she wants, not what anyone else might need!

Feel better for moaning!

Indeed. Maybe we all get so run down and knackered with our own children, we revert to kids ourself!

absolutely. Actually my sisters can make me regress to infantile emotions in moments...

So it's not just me then....?

absolutely not!

YANBU if you don't really want to see her then it's not nice if she comes over anyway. I felt really bad when I was pregnant. I was exhausted and sick and it wasn't nice, and I didn't do anything I didn't want to do. If you can't do what you want when you're preg, when can you?

YANBU to cancel the lunch date. But least said soonest mended: do not read anything into her silence. You do not know what's happening at her end - some crisis might have occurred - she might have lost her phone - got it wet - failed to charge it up - run out of credit - have regarded your text as the end of the matter and waiting for you to let her know when she can see you. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and chill.

themmjanitor, the visit was obviously predicated on my feeling up to it, I have had a really busy time and was feeling really unwell. This is a much longed for pg after years of trying and a grim mc, I'm trying to look after myself. She knows all of this. This is the point, if someone's not feeling great, than the onus is on the potential visitor to be considerate as I would be with her. That's it really as far as I'm concerned. And I've known her for years and she can be a bully, and as you may know, it's very awkward to disinvite people's dogs, it's like saying you don't like their children, not acceptable in our culture ime.

But anyway, I'm not treating pg as an illness, I just did feel ill for a couple of days. I don't know if you feel like entertaining anyone when you're ill but I don't. That's the sum total of it really!

She might not be thick skinned, she might be quite thin skinned. I would be a bit hurt and paranoid, if it was me. I probably wouldn't text back or get in contact for a long time because I would feel like my overtures had been rejected and I didn't want to push in where I wasn't welcome.

well maybe you're right, I should try to ring and make sure but she can be quite stroppy and to be honest I just don't feel up to bending over backwards for her at the moment! I do normally contort myself into knots when it comes to her!

Ipanemagirl - I have no inhibitions about disinviting people's dogs. But if you've let dog come once, you've set a precedent.

Gosh you are harsh! Bully for you that you have no inhibitions, I do, so we differ there.

Also, the dog came once on which basis I dread another visit ok? So I unwittingly said ok based on the idea that she might put it outside or try to control it, neither of which she did! Like my stepmother when her puppies were weeing all over one of my rugs kept saying "It's only water!" No it isn't! it's dog piss!

Gosh you are touchy! I'm on your side about dogs - just letting you know that it is possible to ban them, but acknowledging that it's difficult if you have allowed it in the past. Not trying to criticise you, Igirl.
Certainly support your cancelling the lunchdate if she was bringing 3 kids. It would be a stressful and tiring lunch for you however well they were supervised.

ps you might want to use the birth of your baby to ban other people's dogs in future. You could say, ok, I allowed dogs before, but now there's a child in the house I do not allow it - no dogs at all, stepmum or any one else, so it's not personal.

I am touchy I'm afraid! And I apologise! I have had a long relationship with this friend who I like very much but she often veers into being a bit of a bully, acknowledged by others as well. This is obviously not a one off incident! She is insensitive but we are friends so we both make allowances for one another I"m sure.
It's just that feeling ill isn't the same as blowing someone out gratuitously.
To be fair to her - I think I'm mostly annoyed withi myself, I should have told her I was busy this week and I'd see her after she gets back from her holiday. But I wasn't quick enough off the mark. If she were coming that would be my energy for the day gone, and I have some really serious things to attend to. I'm one of those people who does find it hard to say no, and when I'm genuinely feeling rough, surely that should be enough for graciousness from a friend.
That's all I'm saying.
I can't believe I'm going on about this so much. I just wish I'd spoken to her and been forgiven so to speak, now it's just preying on my mind and I don't know if I'm gonna get a smack when I ring and to be honest I just don't want to have to deal with her at the mo!

Apologies all round for this thread
It is all a bit me me me I just really want to be left alone for a bit!

I mean in my house!!! Not here!!

she may be feeling put out, but it may also be a case of " for goodness sake you are only pregnant, I have to manage 3 kids and a dog, but at the end of the day, you need to put yourself first. if you want to clear the air text her again, with regard to the dog, i can't believe someone would have the cheek to bring it with them in the first place. i most definatly wouldn't allow that.Say you now have a blanket ban on all dogs. Its your home , if people don't like it they can choose not to visit. Some friendships run there course, this may be one of them.

well i rang and had a lovely chat with her dh mentioned that I felt a lot better after having had a bad few days. she was too busy to come to the phone so I have no idea how things are. I'm sure they'll be fine, at least I rang.

Bloody hell, I think 'themild-manneredjanitor' is not very mild mannered at all. It stikes me that you seem to be similar to the OP's friend in question!! I think you are being incredibly harsh on OP and it sounds to me like her friend is the type who bullies her way through life to get what she wants and then throws a strop when she doesn't! There was no mention of her 'merrily suggesting' a new date, she said, 'get some rest so you are ok for tomorrow', which to my mind means, 'you better be ok tomorrow or I'll be pissed off'. I would be horrified if I acted that way with a friend. I also have a friend like the OP who finds it difficult to say No to people even when she's exhausted and feeling crap, and I make a point of saying, 'are you SURE, because I know what you're like..I don't want you over doing it...' That's cos I care about her. The Janitor doesn't seem to have that sentiment and making sure her own needs are met seem to be a top priority. I'm still with you on this on OP!

slickbird, it was a bit like that 'well you better take it easy today so I can come over tomorrow!'
But I have to say part of the reason I'm so fond of her is her very strong character, she is a magnificent woman, I just have to watch it when I'm vulnerable because she does take some managing sometimes.
But I had a really nice text from her today so I feel fine about it all.
I also feel pathetic for going ON and ON about it too, I blame my hormones which are making me burst into tears at adverts and nonsense!