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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to disagree with dh who expects me to work full-time as a teacher and pay all costs including childcare (without assistance) while he stays at home to set up a business

30 replies

squanderedzeitgeist · 07/08/2008 08:09

with no cashflow for the next 6 months.....?and nothing in the coffers......

OP posts:
schneebly · 07/08/2008 08:11

Would you cope financially? How much does this business mean to him?

I would do it for my DH but he wouldn't expect me to and he would be very grateful.

schneebly · 07/08/2008 08:12

and also do you have confidence in his business venture?

youcannotbeserious · 07/08/2008 08:15

I think if you believe in his ability to make a go of the business, and you carrying the full cost of childcare, then 6 months isn't that long...

Could he not help with childcare if he's going to be at home?

Really depends if he will help out at home / housework etc., as he'll be there more, then it could work...

Depends what you mean by 'expect' too... I'm a SAHM mum but I don't expect DH to provide everything. I'm lucky that he can and does, but if he couldn't, I'd go back to work...

ninedragons · 07/08/2008 08:17

I supported my DH while he set up his business, but we didn't have children or a mortgage at the time.

He is definitely wrong to expect it, though. It has to be done by mutual agreement - the pressure of being the sole breadwinner is immense and if you didn't go into it with your eyes open, it could easily be the undoing of you as a couple.

You have to take a cold look at it and determine for yourself whether the business has genuine long-term potential, or he is just dreaming about pissing about with a hobby.

You also need to look at opportunity cost. We were a couple of years late to get onto the housing ladder because of the difficulty of getting a mortgage when you are self-employed, so we make damn sure his clients pay for that now - we factor in the house price appreciation and the months we had to use credit cards to fund daily expenses to every quote.

ForeverOptimistic · 07/08/2008 08:18

It is hard setting up a business but the long term rewards should be worth the hassle.

I think you are being a little unreasonable. I plan on starting my own business in a couple of years and we will be in the same situation.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/08/2008 08:24

I am assuming that your husband has supported the family during your maternity etc so he's not unreasonable to expect the same back in return.

As long as the business venture is viable, then I dont see a problem.

Original poster
squanderedzeitgeist · 07/08/2008 08:24

he's already been at home for the past six months and business is not generating cashflow. I can't afford to pay the rent and childcare and other overheads alone...

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 07/08/2008 08:27

Does he have to work Mon-Friday - could he take some time off in the week and work evenings/weekends to take the pressure off the childcare bill?

kslatts · 07/08/2008 08:40

If you can't afford the overheads and childcare on your own, then YANBU. He shouldn't expect you to do it. Is the business something he could work on while maybe doing a part-time job?

Miaou · 07/08/2008 08:41

Dare I say it - do you think he is actually "working"? Or using it as a sneaky way to take a sabbatical?

saggyhairyarse · 07/08/2008 08:47

When my DH setup his business I was on materity leave with our eldest. I was made redundant and we used that money to keep ourselves afloat. We also had toremortgage twice but are now doing ok so I think it depends on the business really. Do you think it wise to start a business with the economy the way it is?

Original poster
squanderedzeitgeist · 07/08/2008 08:51

he's just gone back to work - a very good job - but says it's not what he wants and I should be pulling my weight more by getting a better paid job!
His business idea is good but his website is full of mistakes and then he blames me for not editing it!

OP posts:
Miaou · 07/08/2008 08:54

I think a conversation is in order about making decisions together and not one person telling the other what to do.

And re. his website - if it's for his business then he needs to take responsibility for it! Or does he expect you to act as PA for him as well?

lulumama · 07/08/2008 08:57

tricky one.

being married is about partnership and supporting each other .. but not about pipe dreams.. if his business is not generating any money, that is quite typical on a new business,for the first year or two isn;t it? but not fair for him to expect you to carry the can for his mistakes?

if you are going to be working fulltime, he has to take full responsibility for his business

how will you work out cleaning , cooking etc.. will you both do it equally, or will he expect you to do it all too?

Miaou · 07/08/2008 08:59

I would think that a good compromise would be for him to do this job for six months, save up like mad, then use the money to start up the business and pay for some of the childcare until he starts making money. And also to set a time for a review (say, three months after starting, then after another three months) to decide if it's worth carrying on.

I am trying to set up my own business too, but the agreement dh and I have is that a) it does not impact financially on the family (so any costs are met out of what I earn) and b) I cover childcare costs (which I can't do atm, so I work when the children are in bed). It works for us but I appreciate it wouldn't work if he needs to be available during the day.

Original poster
squanderedzeitgeist · 07/08/2008 09:05

When he was working from home he did the cooking in the evening and collected dd from childcare but expected me to do cleaning etc. Now we are both working the expectation is that I do everything! It's laughable!

OP posts:
lulumama · 07/08/2008 09:06

that would be a really big deal for me..if you both work full time, then you either outsource the house stuff if you can or share it .

i can feel your frustration !!

flowerybeanbag · 07/08/2008 09:16

We are in a similar situation but I think I'm more reasonable than your DH and it was definitely a joint decision.

I have my own business, with a business partner, and when you factor in childcare costs I'm a significant drain on family resources at the moment, I have some clients but very little income just yet, especially bearing in mind website set up costs and other initial outlay which I've (or rather we've) paid for rather than my business partner who is coming on board next month.

I am very lucky to have such a supportive DH, and also lucky in that we can just, at a squeak, afford for me to not bring in any profit for a while.

Because I am at home, although working, I do most of the cleaning and cooking as well. In return for that, if I need to do a bit of work at weekends when DH is here, that's fine.

He's also been tremendously helpful with the website, and more importantly, dealing with all the technical aspects of getting it online, for which I am eternally grateful.

Couple of other points - DH was already the sole breadwinner, for various reasons I haven't worked full time in a proper job for quite a while, so that's not such a shock to the system.

I have also been the main breadwinner in the past while he was studying (although earning so little it wasn't all that much more than the maintenance grant he was on...).

We both consider my business absolutely viable and he has absolute faith in my abilities and that it will be a success.

We make decisions like this together.

I think it's about give and take and supporting each other. I would have been very disappointed if DH hadn't supported me in this and had insisted I go back to 'proper' work or stay at home and look after DS full time. There's no way he would have done that though, if it was humanly possible to support me. The same applies the other way round. If he wanted to do something that involved a significant cut in our income, I would be happy to do that and support him so that he is happy in what he does.

VictorianSqualor · 07/08/2008 09:17

What exactly is he doing?
Would it be impossible for him to do all cooking/cleaning and a portion of the childcare? In effect making him almost a SAHD?
If he can take all that pressure off you then fine, but things like this have to be a joint decision.

Also, what Miaou said.

missinglalaland · 07/08/2008 09:30

Your dh is being unreasonable.

blueshoes · 07/08/2008 09:34

How do you know it will only be for 6 months? Some start up businesses never turn a profit.

Before starting a business, you should ideally have capital and lots of savings, because of the uncertainty, lean times and initial (and ongoing) long hours to get the business off the ground.

Without that, as a wife, I would not support my dh to go into business, if we had a family to feed and I was effectively going to be the sole breadwinner paying for and doing all the childcare.

If my dh had no other option (like a redundancy), maybe, but then he would presumably have got a lump sum payment to pay his own way. However, your dh left a perfectly well-paying job to do this.

Other than that, doing something risky like this is only before you have dependents. A bit like diving. I did it in my free-spirited youth, but will not do it now. Your dh missed this window. The next window is when your dcs have left the best.

I may be my dh's wife (and need to be supportive and all that blah blah). But I am also my dcs' mother. And it is my duty to look after them and ensure as far as possible they have financial stability and support of both parents.

blueshoes · 07/08/2008 09:37

... left the nest. My typing is atrocious today.

laweaselmys · 07/08/2008 09:55

as someone else suggested I would work out how long you can actually keep going as you are, then set a date before then to review and work out if it's worth keeping going.

If you think he's got an unrealistic attitude to the business suggest he goes to a few dragon's den style set ups with his idea (search for investor's forums, or talk to an independent small business adviser) if he can't get any support from them then realistically it may well just not be a goer. If they're supportive but not offering any investment it might mean he just needs to work more seriously on it and they're doubtful of his realistic ability to do it (mistakes on website etc!) if he does get such things sorted then business could potentially pick up. Of course if they thought it was amazing and gave him some money then that would definately be helpful too, as would take more strain off you!

rookiemater · 07/08/2008 10:00

Agree with miaou, very sound advice to have a bit of a money cushion so that if the business takes a while to get going then it won't be so painful for all involved.

Plus hopefully the economy will have turned a corner in 6 months time. If it hasn't then at least there will be more clarity about whether this is a reasonable time to start a business or not.

rookiemater · 07/08/2008 10:00

Agree with miaou, very sound advice to have a bit of a money cushion so that if the business takes a while to get going then it won't be so painful for all involved.

Plus hopefully the economy will have turned a corner in 6 months time. If it hasn't then at least there will be more clarity about whether this is a reasonable time to start a business or not.