to be so upset...... please help..... am i overreacting

[barnsleybelle]

Sorry for the long post but...... here goes..

My 6yr old ds came back from a visit to his friends house ( boy the same age who i shall call B) earlier tonight. They have been friends since pre school and both boys spend a reasonable amount of time at each others house.

B's mum is a bit of a crank to be honest and dh (who works overseas) has never really been happy about ds going th B's house. I always find B's mum a complete walter Mitty character but harmless enough.

My ds came back tonight and asked if he could talk to me about the conversation we had had some time ago about "not letting anyone touch his willy". To cut the story short ds and B were playing in the garden when ds said he wanted a wee. B told him to do it in the garden (they have a lot of land and toilet far away). After ds had a wee B asked him if he ever stroked and pulled at his willy to make it feel nice. Ds said no. B then said "well, let me do it to your willy for you and it will feel nice". Ds said "no, my mum says not to let anyone touch my willy". B said " don't tell her".

Ds said no again and that was that.

I feel sick.... I can't tell B's mum cos she will go off her head, deny it and announce it all around the village. (honest, she's like that).

Am i right that this is not acceptable behaviour or am i over reacting???

Dh will go spare.
I feel i should end the friendship, but what about school? They are in the same class?

How do i go about all this?

Please respond with advise?
Even if you think i'm wrong, then please respond.

Thanks in advance... i won't sleep tonight.

Well DS, only just 7 and his friends have all been looking at each other's willies and comparng, and they are certainly fiddling with their own and to exPs told me that it was common practice in thei primary - and even secondry- schools to fiddle with each other's....and since they are all helpfully showing each other how to build Bionicles and trnsform Transformers, a kindly offer to demonstrate how to make something feel nice doesn't sound tha bad to me.

But it remonds me that I should do what you have so succesfully done - explained that other people have no ned to touch, etc...

Honestly - it does sound innocent.

What, exactly, is the issue your DH has with this boy's mother? And if he is away so much, is he basing his opinion on anything other than prejudice? Because I think it would be both stupid and unkind to break up your son's friendship over something which does not sound like that big a deal. For one thing, your son may very well continue being friends with B but not feel able to confide in you either about B or about anything else, because he will have learned that telling you stuff has bad consequences.

I don't understand why you have to tell your DH. Do yo tell him absolutely every normal thng that happens, or that DS does or talk about?

This isn't a big thing.

It will be if youstart keeping away fom the mother and the friendhip etc, though.

What you have done is give your boy a good sense of boundaries and talking tyou, what the other Mum has done i give her boy an unself-consciousness about his body, and a generous nature.

Can i also add, it was defo the boy and NOT the mum who asked. I would have called the police immediately had it been the mum!! (it's just the mum is a bit strange so not easy to approach).

Thanks so much for all replying so quickly. You have ALL more or less said the same thing, that it's normal and i feel so much better.

Do i have to tell dh???? ethical biggy that i know. He's bound to think it's wrong and would love an excuse to stop ds going round there. I know that were it the other way round i would expect him to tell me, but thought i would gather your thoughts anyway.

Again, BB, what is your DH's problem with this family? If he is being unreasonable you need to tell him to get over himself before he starts laying down the law about something else: he's not the boss of you, remember.

Why do you have to tell your dh? I wouldn\t - particularly as you know he's going to over react.

What else has the other mother done to upset you and dh?

This is absolutely normal. And yes, please do praise your DS for being clear with his friend, and for talking to you about it.

Blu: lol at your post.... thanks.
solidgold: You are soooo right about ds not telling me stuff cos of consequences if i end the relationship.
As for dh's issues with her, he just doesn't get her. She's totally over the top and tells lies about her life!! ( i think she's harmless tbh). She's a walter Mitty type, bit of a billy 2 shits as well..

Dh is very down to earth and simply thinks she's odd!
No i don't want to end the friendship at all, that's why i've asked your advise. They are very good friends and have been for 3 years.

in that case don't think about it any more.

it was a harmless incident which your son handled very well.

don't tell your dh if you think he will step in and cause a fuss. it won't benefit anyone

Tell the mum, but also tell her not worry, it's what boys do.

However I would tell her just in case, just in case, that's all.

hey hey hey - perfectly normal - don't worry so much - all children do it - many children play those sorts of games - don't worry

Ooh, i hope i'm not making my poor dh out to be controlling.. He's not. When he's home he takes ds and B all over the place..
He just worries that B's mum will "fill my boys head with shite" (his words!!!)

Think i'm not going to tell him tbh.

What he doesn't know won't hurt him eh!!!

I would be a bit about your dh "putting his foot down" from abroad about your ds's friendships if I were you. And to want to stop ds going to his friend's house because his mother is 'a bit odd' strikes me as wholly unreasonable.

Boys are showing each other their willies all the time - well, my ds and his friends are. It's perfectly normal and nothing to worry about.

Sorry Turniphead1 - I was just a bit at the wording you used, that's all.

Am glad that on this particular issue of parenting 6 year old boys I am with the consensus for when DS is old enough [dread]

I think your lad sounds like a very sensible boy, barnsleybelle

It's kids finding out about their body parts.

I did a similar thing with a boy my age when we were 6. Except that he said that he had a theory about how willies get, um, fatter. So, he got a bicycle pump and tried to pump his willy.... Apparently he screamed so loud that the next block heard him!

My dad was livid, but my mom calmed him down.

ilovemydog: lol...

Really am made up how much better everyone has made me feel.

Thanks so much.

Will focus tomorrow on praising my little man for saying no and telling me..

To the person who said ending the friendship will only achieve making my ds realise that telling me things had bad consequences.......... such wise wise words, thank you so very very much, i really never looked at it that way.

glad you're feeling better about it

The question i am asking myself is, are you reacting like this because the mother is "weird"? That would be sad for your little boy if tht is the case. Why can't you approach her with this? Her little lad behaved innocently but inappropriately - poor little sod is going to find himself teased or worse if he does this again. Surely she should be made aware of it so that she can have a chat to him with regards to what is private etc. I would be horrified if my child did this and the mother didn't tell me, especially because they think im "weird" . Just because someone doesn't fit into your ideal of what is "normal" doesn't make them a bad person.

As for the touching, its innocent, toe curlingly embarrasing, but innocent nontheless.

I know i should tell B's mum but it's really difficult to explain what she's like.
Weird is probably the wrong word tbh.

It's a small village we live in and a small school. Kind of everyone knows everyone... She's a bit (a lot actually) of a story teller and is quite well known for her invented events!! I honestly find her harmless but if i mentioned it she really would be like a dog with a bone, be totally over the top and discuss it in the local shop, outside school etc. I don't want my little man to be discussed around the village as we all know how chinese whispers work.

Best not to then.

It's all probably harmless boy stuff. I just wondered with him saying he'd do it etc. I suppose you always do wonder though don't you? Especially since you talk about their oddities.

In this case, forget about it unless anything else should happen. Your ds does sound like a very mature little boy.

hmmm well maybe you could tone down what happened a bit?
just say that B had been talking about touching willies, and while you realise that it's totally normal and harmless that some other poeople may not think so, and perhaps she should have a chat with him about it being private?

actually, I don't even thing you could describe what this little boy did as "inappropriate", can you? Isn't it just what boys do?

Rhubarb: Thank you... He is a little star, and i forgot that in the middle of all this..