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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my friend to get a dog ??

51 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 03/08/2008 18:14

They have been and put down a deposit on a Springer Spaniel puppy, they collect him in 2 weeks time.

My friend works full time shifts and her hubby also works fulltime.

They are in serious debt but have paid over £300 for this puppy.

She has now started to drop hints about me popping in and letting the dog out, checking on it etc when they are at work. Or if I am not available asking her childminder to pop in.

Until this week I was supposed to be moving and my mate wasn't overly happy about it and I think this was one of the reasons why, along with the fact that I won't be here to be emergency childcare when her childminder lets her down (which happens often).

I told her today that I was no longer moving and she said she was pleased because she would of missed me .

I would love to have a dog, and dd2 is absolutly desperate for one, but we don't have one because at the moment it is not practical so I certainly don't want to become responsible for looking after hers.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/08/2008 19:20

IB, you don't need an excuse.

Just 'no'.

And if you fall out, then is that what you call a friend?

Someone who's just interested in you for how useful you are to her as a dog/childminder?

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 03/08/2008 19:21

Bluefox - the breeder knows all about their jobs and advised that 6 hours was fine. I disagree and told my friend that.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/08/2008 19:21

And btw, you don't have insurance coverage to provide back-up childminder in your HA house.

Tell her the HA got a report that you were childminding and so that has to stop.

K, so you're off the hook with that one!

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 03/08/2008 19:22

Well I know but I am very short on friends what ever they want me for.

OP posts:
Freckle · 03/08/2008 19:22

I think you need to say that you don't mind helping out in an emergency, but don't want to do it on an ongoing basis because you don't always come and go at the same time. If you choose to visit your mum for the day, for example, you don't want to be worrying about getting back to let out someone else's dog. It's a huge imposition and commitment.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 03/08/2008 19:22

She doesn't pay me though Expat so technically I am not childminding I am doing her a favour.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/08/2008 19:23

But that's not a friend, IB. A real friend wouldn't get a dog with using a pal as a dogsitter in mind - unless she were paying you.

expatinscotland · 03/08/2008 19:24

Well, IB, tell them a neighbour must have seen the kid there often enough and reported you. Then the HA got in touch with you and accused you of providing childcare in the home without permission.

So it needs to stop.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 03/08/2008 19:24

No, you are right expat, she isn't a proper friend, but I knew that ages ago. Unfortunatly though thats is all I have.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/08/2008 19:25

Better to walk alone than badly accompanied, IB.

But hey, if you want to be stuck looking after her dog AND her kid, it's your lookout.

Doesn't sound like it makes you feel very good, though.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 03/08/2008 19:25

Good try expat, but her childminder lives in my road, in a HA house so that won't wash LOL.

I did put my foot down about the childcare a while ago when I was having them alot and I didn't want it. It stopped but has crept up again.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/08/2008 19:26

IB, you're making excuses for her using you.

Why?

How about NO?

Just NO, not doing it anymore.

And the childminder does need permission from the landlord to childmind out of the house.

So that's a valid excuse if you want to use it.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 03/08/2008 19:26

It doesn't make me feel good, but at the same time I feel bad not helping out. The thing is, me helping out always turns into me doing it regularly.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/08/2008 19:27

Well, then, you have two choices: either keep doing it or don't.

That's really the bottom line.

MamaGLovesMe · 03/08/2008 19:28

You know what, I have one friend who works so no one to ask in a hurry but better than fair weather friends.

The CM gets paid while you are looking after the child she is meant to look after and the dog is not your responsibilty.

If she falls out with you bcause you say no, then she isn't a real friend.

YANBU.

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 03/08/2008 19:29

The last twice she has asked me to collect her kids I have said no, just saying that I had other plans. I think she knows I was lying but I am ont bothered about that tbh.

WRt the dog, I will suggest as I did with the childminder, and tell her she needs someone who can do it regularly and see what she makes of that.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/08/2008 19:30

Don't 'suggest' anything to her.

Just tell her, 'I won't be looking after your dog.'

You don't need to offer any excuse for why not because it's none of her business why you won't be there to look after her damn dog.

Ditto her kids.

Slouchy · 03/08/2008 19:32

Come on nutty, this friend is taking the piss. Shemay be a good friend but she is expecting way too much of you - an occasional favour is one thing but this is way more than that.

Does she know you are looking for work/college? You won't be able to let the dog out/have her kids if that happens. In fact, tell her that you feel you can't commit to helping regularly with the dog because you haope to get a job quite soon and you'd hate to let her and the dog down if/when you get one.

butwhybutwhy · 03/08/2008 19:35

IB, regardless of where your child goes to school, its not your responsibilty to walk/let out her dog.

What if you want to go somewhere or do something after your dc goes to school or after?
You would have to arrange your plans around your friends dog!
How bad is that?

Backgammon · 03/08/2008 20:49

When your friend realises what a silly mistake she has made and needs to re-home the puppy could you point her in my direction please?

I have 2 springers and work from home. Would never, every have a springer if I was in her shoes.

expatinscotland · 03/08/2008 20:53

i once worked in a very prosperous securities company during a bull market.

we had this 'for sale/wanted' board and there was once listed there a blue heeler 6-month-old puppy.

free to a good home because 'he tries to herd my cats'.

needless to say, he found a more suitable home in no time, but can you imagine being that thick that you buy a herding dog when you have 3 cats?

motherinferior · 03/08/2008 20:56

Nutty, I think you absolutely have to say no. No to unpaid childcare, no to the dog. Tell the childminder every time that you are busy. Tell her NOW, next time she mentions you looking after the dog, that you won't be able to do that. She's not a friend!

Original poster
IllegallyBrunette · 03/08/2008 22:02

She does know I am looking for wok/college yep but tbh I think she kind of thinks that I will always be there anyway.

Come Sept I will either be a) working or b) at college so she will have to sort something else out, but I really don't think she has thought that far ahead.

OP posts:
elmoandella · 03/08/2008 22:13

if it's college you can say your no longer available as studying in preperation for course.

if she doesn't have many friends either then she wont want to lose you as a friend, will perhaps toe the line if you say a firm no.

expatinscotland · 03/08/2008 22:16

Well, then, IB, that's her lookout.

Tell her you're going to college and really don't have room for anymore functions.

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