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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's part of a parent's job to teach their kids how to lose, GRACIOUSLY ?

47 replies

Doodle2U · 03/08/2008 11:49

'Letting' your children win every game, every time, does them no favours.

And if, like us, you have a child who chucks a hissy fit when they lose a game/race etc....don't run from the situation by letting them win, just to keep the peace. Step up to the plate and make sure they endure as many losses as wins, to prepare them for it when they meet other kids outside your home!

OP posts:

kitbit · 04/08/2008 08:05

Sadly I've already seen the knock-on effects of the "no competitive sports in schools" thing, and have had a sobbing graduate in my office genuinely unable to understand why she didn't get the job, as it was apparently the first thing she hadn't succeeded at on the first go. She'd put in minimal effort to prepare for the interview and there was a genuinely better candidate. She couldn't understand why she wasn't good enough.

Losing the egg and spoon race a few times might have helped her prepare for it!

shatteredmumsrus · 04/08/2008 08:11

My 7 year old son has a real problem with losng and always had. ive never 'let' him win so it must just be a characteristic. He also hates it when people dont play by the correct rules. Even if we are over the park just having a bit of fun.It gets on my nerves and it REALLY gets on dps nerves. Games usually end up in a row, playstation, football cricket and even tig! He is very good at football and is playing in a team a year older than he is because of his talent so I guess he has picked up on that too.Has anyone got any tips to overcome this?

ivykaty44 · 04/08/2008 08:13

There is no way I am letting anyone win ever I love winning and as an only dc was never "let" to win and it was always worth playing and winning for real

ChicLaFraek · 04/08/2008 08:13

i agree doodle

OldGregg · 04/08/2008 08:20

A nearly 7yo old boy burst into tears when he lost a party game yesterday. The self-assured 6 & 7yo girls all looked at him like this - . The other boys mostly reasoned 'but X was faster, you lost'.

It was ages before he stopped crying. -Everyone-- was really fucked off with it.

oops · 04/08/2008 08:31

Message withdrawn

Miggsie · 04/08/2008 08:37

oh yes, we know a little boy who goes ballistic if he loses anything, throws a screaming tantrum like a 2 year old, except he's 5. DD was saying "lets play again, you might win the next game" and he was throwing a wobbly saying "no, must win THIS one!" and kicking and thrashing and yelling etc so his parents took him off to do something on his own "beacuase he's not good at losing against children"...?!!!!???!
DD stood there and said "but I won mummy!" and then got upset, as he being such a brat had upset her....I was so annoyed!
Next time we saw him she said "I won't play a game with him, as he is such a baby"

I really think his parents are doing him a disservice, he starts school this year, maybe some of the other boys can knock some sense into him (it's a boys school)

oops · 04/08/2008 08:41

Message withdrawn

oops · 04/08/2008 08:42

Message withdrawn

ChopsTheDuck · 04/08/2008 08:51

some children jsut area bad though. DD hates losing, and we've let her experience losing. She will do anything, even cheat to avoid losing. She jsut has a competitive personality and although I try to teach her to be a little more gracious, I can't change the way she feels.

OldGregg · 04/08/2008 10:09

oops - I don't imagine anyone would think badly of parents who remove their child from a game along the lines of 'if you can't play this nicely, then you can't play it at all' and apologises for any disruption. Most parents have had to deal with similar outbursts at some time in their childs life.

I do raise my eyes at the parents who try to placate a tantrum by saying, 'we'll buy you a prize on the way home' or even worse, agreeing that Brat X can win (like in cornsilks post) just to keep the peace. Because the only thing that teaches any of the children present, is that behaving like a spoiled brat gets rewards. And it's very unfair on the children that took part in good faith.

wannaBe · 04/08/2008 10:17

our school has two sports days.

One where the children compete in teams (countries) so the achievement is all the team's and not the individual child's. Parents are invited to attend this event.

And another which is individually competitive where the children compete against each other. Parents are not allowed at this event because it is generally the parents who are the most competitive and who have ended up spoiling it for the children who can't run as fast/jump as high etc.

Original poster

Doodle2U · 04/08/2008 12:52

Oops - the point is - you are AWARE of your DS's (a) luck and (b) potential to chuck a wobbly if he did ever lose and you are ready to address it as it happens! That's the difference. The parents who turn it around so the child wins a prize anyway etc, etc are the ones who are storing up trouble for themselves, the child and the rest of us!

Had a smile about the banning of parents at a particular sports day because the parents are so competitive - have meant one parent who is almost a comedy figure in this respect.

Have also nearly cried at the edges of a footie match for 5 and 6 year olds when fathers are shouting at little kids to be taken off the pitch because they are "crap" and are letting the side down

Have also had it where my nephew came out from school and told his Dad that MY son had scored a goal at lunchtime - BIL said (and I quote) "How'd he do that then? Had the rest of the class gone back into class?!" Ha Ha Ha - not! My son cried because he couldn't understand a much loved member of his own family being mean about his lack of skills (and indeed loathing) of football.

I went fucking ballistic and BIL agreed that he was well out of order. He's normally a lovely bloke and all the children love him but when it comes to sports, he takes no prisoners, even at the cost of a small child's confidence and feelings

OP posts:

mimsum · 04/08/2008 14:51

it may be part of the parents' job to try but that doesn't guarantee it'll work both my boys are intensely competitive, hate losing, throw hissy fits etc etc and they're now 11 and 8 (not NT though so some explanation there) - we have spent years modeling 'gracious' losing, making them experience losing (i.e. not rigging games) and enduring the hell on earth that is a monopoly game (and hunting for all the little bits when the board gets turned over in a strop) and yet the lessons still haven't sunk in [despairing emoticon] tbh not sure if they ever will

allergictohousework · 04/08/2008 14:59

FWIW I was a terrible loser as a child, mainly because my older brother used to win any games. He is terribly competitive. I used to cry and sob until I was into double digits and would only be placated by a treat ... and no doubt being allowed to win the next game. I am now the most gracious loser, love games and taking part, quite a stickler for the rules but don't care a jot whether I win or lose as long as everyone plays properly!! So don't worry about it for the future but agree it's a complete pain when kids are little and there is endless smoothing of ruffled feathers to be done.

stealthsquiggle · 04/08/2008 15:06

DS(5) is a lousy loser and a not much better winner.

It is not because we let him win all the time (we don't) - or because we don't pick him up on the stomping/gloating (we do) - it just doesn't seem to get through, and like mckenzie's DS, he is hardest of all on himself.

If anyone has any brilliant strategies, I am all ears!

Icantbelieveitsnotbitter · 04/08/2008 15:56

My DS - 4 years old - somehow manages to win every game he plays. Admittedly, winning usually involves cheating adjusting the rules to suit himself - ie with kerplunk one would usually assume that the winner is the one with the least balls at the end. But not if you're playing my son, the winner is actually the one with the most balls at the end.

Table football ? Doesn't matter which end of the table he scores at, it counts as his goal and he adjusts his score accordingly.

How we all laugh .....

Pitchounette · 04/08/2008 16:05

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Pitchounette · 04/08/2008 16:09

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Oblomov · 04/08/2008 16:10

So, by what age should they have learnt to lose. Some people saying 7 yr olds struggle with it. What age should they have learnt ?

Pitchounette · 04/08/2008 16:23

Message withdrawn

ingles2 · 04/08/2008 16:56

we have got the worlds worst loser in DS1. It's dreadful and he's nearly 9. Just this afternoon we we're playing Junior Poker (Haba,..good game btw) and he was crying because ds2 won. It's unbelievable. We either totally ignore him or laugh at him . He is v. bright and super competitive. Interestingly ds2 7 is a very good loser, infact is totally the opposite to ds1 and would like everyone to have a turn at winning and is genuinely thrilled and modest when he does. School have always said DS1 is very fair, and abides by the rules at school though, infact is a bit of a stickler so maybe there is hope

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