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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a 5 year old to want to give to charity?

64 replies

charitybeginswhen · 01/08/2008 17:23

I have a bit of a dilema and wanted your views.

My daughter is due to have her 6th birthday soon and as she is the girl with everything I suggested to her that we would get her friends to donate to a charity (chosen by her) rather than buying her presents. She will get all the things she wants from my very large and generous family so on her last birthday the presents from her 50 friends all went to the school fair.

AIBU to ask this of a 5 year old or is she old enough to understand about being generous and appeciate that there are children less well off than her.

I must add that she is a lovely kind child not a spoilt brat and I know if I tell her thats what were going to do she will agree to it, but I am being fair to her?

OP posts:
Judd · 01/08/2008 21:16

I posted about 18 months ago on a similar theme, as my 2 children were invited to a 4 year old's birthday and the invitation stated "no presents please". Mum said to me when I asked (she's a good friend) that she already had all she needed, and her birthday was near Christmas when she would get more presents anyway (birthday is Dec but beginning, not Christmas Eve-type near).
I posted because I just felt odd going to a party and not taking anything. For an adult's 40th, for example, the invitation will often state " no presents" but we would still take a bottle of wine/daft helium balloon/Oxfam present as we felt fit.
In the end, we made cards and did sneak a little present round to the house later on.

onepieceoflollipop · 01/08/2008 21:20

Judd one of my dds has a birthday near Christmas. Some close family members (mainly us and my parents) now give dd just a token present for her b'day and then later in the year she has a "summer birthday" when we give her the presents that she doesn't "need" in January. It worked well this year.

Hulababy · 01/08/2008 21:22

My 6y DD understands about chairty and is hppy to donate things and money to different charities, and to join in wth activities at school and elsewhere to raise money for charity.

However I am not sure she would be ready to give up birthday presents as readily.

She isn't selfish or uncaring, or spoilt. She is just a 6 year old. She isn't an adult yet - so can't be expected to understand, what is IMO, an adul way of thinking.

TeacherSaysSo · 01/08/2008 21:22

I wonder if the OP has given HER birthday and xmas presents to charity this year? or perhaps donated her ipod/handbag/

sheeesh, forcing her to give HER presents to charity is pretty much theft. How dare you?! She has plenty of time to discover altruism. How much do YOU give away is all you should be concerned about???

solidgoldbrass · 01/08/2008 21:23

I think this is crap and classic horsehair-tampon mindset. Stop using your child to show off how wonderfully unselfish you think you are.

It's not unreasonable perhaps pre-birthday (or even after the birthday) to suggest that a child might want to give an old toy to charity (let her choose which one) but donating her stuff without asking her is fairly shitty behaviour and won't make her altruistic: the best it will make her is officious, self-righteous and sneaky.

jammi · 01/08/2008 21:25

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onepieceoflollipop · 01/08/2008 21:26

I have a friend whose son has a b'day in January. For several years running she enforced a "toy swap" for his birthday (the birthday boy had the priviledge of first choice. )

Lots of us found it awkward. Many of us wanted to give a present, or even money to be spent later in the year, but she wasn't keen and we didn't want to offend her.

With our dd if she was overwhelmed with b'day presents just after Christmas, we just put lots of them away and got them out on rainy days/later in the year etc.

Judd · 01/08/2008 21:27

No, I can see how it would work with December birthdays...although my DDs is 4th December and I wouldn't do it.
However, I explained to her about a sponsored walk that the father of a little friend was doing in aid of Alder Hey hospital (his son has been a patient there). She said she would give her £1 pocket money to him. Fine by me.

nancy75 · 01/08/2008 21:27

last year my mil sent us a token thing for some charity we had never heard of for xmas, me and dp sulked if i was a five year old and you made me give away all of my birthday presents i would run away from home.

katz · 01/08/2008 21:32

i have to say as parent recieving an invite saying no presents money to charity please, would be annoying. i pick up bits and pieces for presents through the year and have a present draw so although it may have orignally have be a £10 present i may have picked it up for £2 in the sale. I would feel that i had to give £10 to not seem tight.

MsDemeanor · 01/08/2008 21:36

50 friends? 50 family? Hmmm

noonki · 01/08/2008 21:37

I think the idea is good but she is too young

my stepson absoultely loved getting goats and toilets etc when he was 9 but at 5 would have been too young -

maybe start by doing it with your birthday presents and see if they follow suit

mumeeee · 01/08/2008 21:43

YABU. She is only 6. Part of the fun of parties for young children is geting presents.

oi · 01/08/2008 21:46

what you really want to do is put her on the plane to India and make her work in the factory producing Primark clothes for a week. That'll teach her.

fledtoscotland · 01/08/2008 21:47

YAB very unreasonable. let the girl have her birthday presents.

nancy75 · 01/08/2008 21:48

oi, put her on the plane? make her bloody walk there!

ELR · 01/08/2008 21:48

i would not give to charity even if on behalf of another person, my dd loves chooses presents for her friends

KerryMum · 01/08/2008 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuwchBywiog · 01/08/2008 21:50

No idea if this is trolling or not but will share my view! I did this for my DS 1st birthday, asked for donations towards the hospital that saved his life rather than pressies. Havent done it since though as he like getting gifts, he had no idea what a present was when he was 1 so thought why not, also found that people gave both so didn't like to ask again and arranged a charity night rock concert type thing with local bands and raffle instead last year, that was a short while after his birthday.

muggglewump · 01/08/2008 21:50

Is there some troll challenge going on that I've missed?
Or just bonkers people that want others to wear pink and donate money!
If you are real YABU.

oi · 01/08/2008 21:51

lol of course nancy!

over broken glass and not having eaten for at least 2 days

it's only fair, she has to learn

bluenosesaint · 01/08/2008 21:52

YAB very very unreasonable!!

If you want her to learn about giving to charity, let her watch you giving your birthday presents to charity. I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture ...

Gobbledigook · 01/08/2008 21:54

Is this serious?!

Way too much to ask from a 5 yr old - you can teach her about charity and get her to raise or donate money in other ways (mine did the Manchester run recently and were sponsored for that - 7 and 5 yr olds) but to ask her to give up birthday presents is too much.

Yes, you know she's got enough etc etc but this is part of what birthdays are about when you are little - the excitement of unwrapping a new toy.

Gobbledigook · 01/08/2008 21:57

Agree with others suggestions of giving older things away to charity. In fact, ds1 donated his playstation to the children's ward of the hospital where he stayed when he had pneumonia.

The boys understand lots of people are not as fortunate as they are and they are happy to help other people in plenty of other ways - forgoing birthday presents at age 5 is not the way to do it imo.

TheHedgeWitch · 01/08/2008 22:27

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