To think that some people could save themselves a lot of misery by LISTENING to prospective partners?

[solidgoldbrass]

There have been a few threads on here about runaway partners (usually men) and the anguished abandoned partners (usually women) with a sort of common theme of the abandoned partner having 'tried so hard' to keep the other one in the relationship/move the relationship on to the next stage etc. IF someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, or to be in a monogamous relationship with you, then you might be able to cling on to them for a while by a mixture of tactics including bullying, whining, coaxing and trying to fulfil the person's every whim - but they will still take off in the end because they are NOt That INto You.
So irf you are seeing someone who says any of the following -
'I'm not sure if I love you'
'I'm not good at being faithful'
'WHy do things need to change, we are happy as we are (when it's a matter of moving intogether, getting married or TTC)'
I need a lot of space

Then try believing this person. He/she either doesn't want a committed exclusive relationship at all, or doesn;t want one with you - even if all your friends and family say the relationship is wonderful. He/She will go eventually, often with far more cruelty than necessary, simply because he/she resents the pressure you applied.
There are plenty of available prospective partners who do want exclusive committed long term relationships, so why waste time trying to enforce commitment on people who don't want it?

It's not usually that cut and dry though is it?

I think most threads here involving break-ups are people who have married or had kids with their partner, which to me indicates that both had some idea that they wanted to commit To be fair.

having said that - there are LOADS of threads where people moan about the way their partners behave and I do sometimes wonder how come they never realised what the people they married were like when they were courting etc.

Yes but anyone gets on your nerves when you're with them day in, day out.

You are too simplistic, when you have committed to somebody and had children with them it is worth fighting for the relationship as much for the sake of your dc as yourselves.

At an early stage anyone who carries on like that should be kicked to the kerb but those people have a way of finding more vulnerable partners. I have friends in their late thirties and desperately broody. They seem to find it hard to meet men and cling to the ones they do start relationships with.

it is NEVER that simple

emotions are complicated

i think in the first rush of love/lust you overlook your beloveds' more unappealing habits or gloss over stuff believing it will get better

Maybe because they love the person, have children to think of, have made a commitment to that person/relationship. Do you really think its really that easy to say 'ok sure, you just go off and do what makes you happy, i will pick up the mess, deal with the aftermath, deal with the dc/family, you might leave behind'? agree with cornsilk.

I think if you are being told those things and you are at the start of a relationship and you've been around the block a few times then yes, of course, its foolish to proceed and get false hopes up only to be disappointed - and the proverbial kick to the kerb as mentioned by someone else, should be put into effect.

But if you're young and relatively inexperienced and you feel incredible love and passion for someone its actually quite difficult to genuinely understand what those statements might signify, and the permanence of them. If someone "doesn't want to settle down" at 21 its very different to their stating it at say 32 or 38 or 48 (and so on!)

And if you're a loyal person who would never cheat on someone and who has never been in a relationship where that has happened, then its also inconceivable sometimes, to the person starting a relationship with someone who has done that in the past.

But I get your point.

One thing I find truly bizzarre is that two couples I know were married before they discussed starting a family. And then found they had incompatible views. Surely it should be a required topic of discussion beforehand!

Perhaps the point is more to do with honesty than listening..

My husband is a great one for avoiding conflict and deceives more by omission than anything else... what he doesn't say says a lot more than what he does...

Integrity and honesty all the way...

It isn't that simple though, people change.
My ex was funny, charming and loving when we were courting and first living together, yes he had debt problems which I helped him get rid of and naively I thought that once those debts were gone then things would be better.

We had a baby together, which we both wanted, but ex started to change when I was pregnant, he started getting into debt again and starting acting extremely selfishly, he even admitted that he was jealous of me and the baby because we were getting more attention than him!

One day when were were arguing about his getting into debt again and the fact that he threatened to leave me with the debt, my ex hit me and I left that very night.

So people do change, its easy to say in hindsight that you should never have gotten together with them in the first place.

Hmm, well, I say ''WHy do things need to change, we are happy as we are' a lot to my partner when he suggests yet again that we sign up for a spell of matrimony.

What's wrong with that? Babies, moving in together, fine, yes, I take your point.

My ex was lovely-funny, kind, generous, caring, and generally adored me. Our daughter was planned, in fact he was talking about a second before she was born.
He left when DD was six weeks old and hasn't bothered with her ever really.
I'm looking into getting maintenance through the Australian CSA atm. I wish I'd seen it coming but there were no signs. The guy moved halfway across the world for me.
I just picked a shit but I won't take the blame for it.
It's just not that clear cut.

And PMSL - in a bitter way - at 'there are plenty of available prospective partners who do want exclusive committed long term relationships'...have you ever been single, dumped, childless and in your 30s in London? I can assure you that there aren't.

I agree motherinferior, it took me nearly a decade to find mine and I'm supposed to be gorgeous bright and funny [humm] - maybe only in my mothers eyes.

Cos half the time by the time they are frantically backpedalling, you are 6 months pregnant!