Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people should be grateful for any gifts they recieve for their children?

55 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 28/07/2008 13:23

I recently sent a package of clothes (pyjamas, cardigans and t-shirts) through the post to my old family I used to nanny for. They were quite posh but I got on with them fine especially the dad and the children were just adorable. I got a very close bond to them in the time I was there. Every so often I send them gifts in the post to spoil the little ones, usually clothes. I recently sent the package described above after asking the dad the childrens sizes etc as we all know how quickly they can grow! Today I recieved an email from the mum asking me not to send them clothes from the shop I bought them from (george @ asda) as while the clothes look nice she doesn't like them in cheap stuff and she thought I would know what the children wear from working with them for the time I did. They wore Next, Babbleboom and OshKosh! Primark, George and Peacocks is all I can afford! I won't be sending anything again

OP posts:
dilemma456 · 28/07/2008 13:49

Message withdrawn

Mutt · 28/07/2008 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TigerFeet · 28/07/2008 13:52

I don't dislike receiving clothes for dd. I dislike receiving too many clothes. DD wears a uniform to nursery - she doesn't need 20 tshirts (this is not an exaggeration). MIL's cash is far better spent elsewhere.

It isn't ingratitude. I'm delighted that MIL takes an interest. DD wears the clothes she buys her. However, because I don't believe in spending money or aquiring stuff for the sake of it, I won't buy clothes that I like (or dd likes for that matter) because I have enough clothes for her already. I feel a little bit sad when I see things that I would like for dd but can't justify buying. I would rather MIL bought fewer clothes and put the money (probably about £20-30 a month) aside for dd's future.

snowleopard · 28/07/2008 13:57

I don't complain or make an issue of it either - I think that was rude of her.

But I agree with MrsTiddles - I like buying clothes for DS. I enjoy spotting something that I know he will love and that I like too - not necessarily new, could be charity shop, but it is a kind of expression of your interests. For example DS loves space stuff and sea creatures and gets very excited if we find a great t-shirt for him. It's depressing if you can't ever do that because you already have a heap of clothes you don't like and didn't choose.

And I think present-giving can be unwelcome and you don't always have to be grateful, especially if it's about someone trying to ingratiate themselves or be controlling, as it can be - not saying that's the case with this OP, but there loads of cases on here of MILs being like that.

My MIL once sent DS a polyester England football strip - we live in Scotland and he was 1 year old. I was nice about it and grateful, but it wasn't at all appropriate or useful.

KT14 · 28/07/2008 13:57

How incredibly rude and totally unnecessary. If somebody sends us clothes we don't like or need, I just put the clothes on the kids for 2 minutes, take a quick photo of them, send picture with a thankyou note and then either pass the clothes on to others or give them to a charity shop. Job done, no offence caused to anyone.

Cies · 28/07/2008 13:58

Lola, I think we've all established that this woman is seriously rude and that however much money she has has not bought her any class or manners.

I do agree with others that in the future maybe just a card or something fun would go down better though.

littlelapin · 28/07/2008 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poppycake · 28/07/2008 14:03

Surely a gift's a gift and it should never be too much inconvenience to avoid hurting someone else's feelings?

I don't want to come across all saintly, but I've always been amazed and touched by people's generosity towards my two.

Pls don't take kindness for granted. Some days there seems to be little enough of it about as it is

Gossip · 28/07/2008 14:05

I'm afraid this does sound as if you regard the 'bond' to be stronger than they do - having said that, there's no need for this plain rudeness.

I do think there is something in what fruitful says though - I don't think this is really about the recipient, is it?

Sometimes these sorts of acts of kindness are not perceived in the way the sender imagines, and if they're not clothes she has any need or use for, then she is left with guilt and the problem of finding them a new home.

If you really want to send stuff in the future (and I can imagine you might not?!) then why not phone and ask what might be useful/ appreciated?

Kewcumber · 28/07/2008 14:05

and I've received some fab fab stuff along with the stuff I didn't like much. If I hadn't graciously accepted all of it I wouldn't have got the stuff I liked.

ANyway everyone is like very rude - I hope she isn;t teaching her children those kinds of manners.

solo · 28/07/2008 14:09

I accept gifts of clothing(usually previously worn)with grace and gratitude. I am not in a position to look a gift horse in the mouth.
This woman is a stuck up cow. Save your money. Spend it on yourself or donate it to a children's charity. Or send the clothes to me , I'd appreciate them.

gagamama · 28/07/2008 14:16

YANBU at all! She sounds positively poisinous!

Send her the receipt and ask her to get a refund on all the clothes and go buy them some designer socks or something with the proceeds. If nothing else, the thought of her queueing in Asda to get a refund should give you some satisfaction!

DustyTV · 28/07/2008 14:21

YANBU at all, how rude and un-bloody-grateful she is. I bet her DH would be mortified if he knew.

My SIL is like this, despite her not having a pot to piss in she asked that we all buy her DD brand new stuff from Next. And she threw away the second hand stuff I gave her and told me and DH about throwing it away bold as brass.

solo · 28/07/2008 15:13

Sounds as though she's not the type to venture into Asda without a pair of surgical gloves and mask on or better still a full chemical suit.... against the peasants! the peasants!!!

lljkk · 28/07/2008 15:47

We get too much stuff (including clothes, too). Would be better if Gparents offered to save money for DC future (as TigerFeet suggested).

At least you won't be wasting the money any more, Lola. Maybe she thought she was doing you a favour by telling you not to.

BINAH · 28/07/2008 15:53

She is very silly and mean. I would be grateful if someone would do something like that for me...and would thank.She might be wealthy but she is not very polite...
You did a wonderful thing.

Countingthegreyhairs · 28/07/2008 15:57

YANBU agree with PoppyCake and Lapin - it's the intention behind the present that matters - not the present itself

hwr think I may review my present buying habits in the light of comments here

I tend to buy my godchildren clothes - often Boden pyjamas or nightdresses or dressing gowns or underwear in fairly plain non-controversial colours - precisely because I think that is more useful than soft toys or games that I could be duplicating ....

....and about half of dd's wardrobe consists of presents from her cousins ... mmmmm .....Mumsnet always gives you an alternative perspective on things ...

FattipuffsandThinnifers · 28/07/2008 18:08

What a rude woman! Appallingly bad manners IMO. If, for whatever reason, the clothes weren't to her liking it was totally unecessary and ungracious of her to tell you, and in such an ill-mannered way. YANBU.

mrswoolf · 28/07/2008 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrswoolf · 28/07/2008 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

unaccomplishedfattylegalmummy · 28/07/2008 19:09

Well I don't think YABU at all Lola, However fruitful how very harsh for you that so many people send your children clothes, I mean wow poor you. Even poorer you for having to lug them all the way to the charity shops. Don't want to get any holes in those 24 carat gold shoes now do we. I feel very sorry for people who send you gifts if only they knew what you really thought perhaps they wouldn't wouldn't be so generous.

belgo · 28/07/2008 19:13

My children have been sent quite a lot of Gerge clothes and they are mostly very nice.

YANBU

shybaby · 28/07/2008 19:29

Eh? confused.

wulfstan · 28/07/2008 19:40

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think that the woman should at least pretend to be grateful.

On the other hand I don't think parents should be grateful for everything their children are given - there are some toys out there that I don't like and I wouldn't give houseroom too. We're often given supermarket clothes, and they can be a bit hit and miss. I put the kids in them for doing messy play or similar but I wouldn't choose to dress the kids in character t-shirts or things with daft slogans etc.

Having said that, even if you're not grateful, I think it's unacceptable not to appear to be grateful, or at least get the message across without hurting the recipient.

mysteryfairy · 28/07/2008 19:58

Could you have misinterpreted what she said - perhaps she is concerned that the very cheapest clothes are made in sweat shop conditions and doesn't want them for that reason?

I would feel a bit like that, but if I did decide to say something to someone would phrase it in a way that was hopefully both diplomatic and honest.

My childrens are veggies so I'm used to turning down various treats in this way, but it's hard to do gracefully in a way that doesn't make giver think you're judging them - I hope I don't ever miss the mark so spectacularly.

And BTW in those cases I'm grateful that the giver is thinking of my child but not remotely grateful for the actual object, although thankfully we're getting past the kicking off over Haribo stage.