to not tell my friend that it's okay to stop breastfeeding?

[Litchick]

My friend has ten week old twins and is on her knees. She is so exhausted that she has stopped driving in case she crashes the car.
She is giving very loud hints that she would like to give up breast feeding so that her DP and other friends and family can share the load. Getting up six times a night to feed is beyond a joke.
Everyone is saying she shouldn't give up and that she's been a 'marvel' etc but as I have been there and worn this tee shirt she is really looking to me for advice.
As a mother of twins myself I totally feel for her and I gave up breast feeding for precisely the same reason but I'm really nervous to say so as giving up is so final. Also my twins have allergies and I often wonder if I'd just gone on longer...aaahhh.
I don't want to project my own regrets onto her but nor do I want to make her feel 'forced' to carry on.
What does anyone else think?

Just realised I misread the op - I thought you had said that everyone was telling her to stop not not to stop! That must be really hard for her.

Still standby the listening and being honest and letting her come to her own decision with your support whatever that may be. Excellent advice poster who suggested you and friends trying to help with practical stuff too...

Message withdrawn

Could she pump and partly bottle feed?

At least at night, I know I'd want some help.

Oh please, just talk to her about it. Tell her she has an option. Tell her you wonder about the allergies if you want, but just tell her she doesn't have to continue.

I felt so relieved when a mw and dh made it clear to me there was nothing the least bit wrong with giving up. I still made my own decision after that

Maybe if you do tell her your BF history it might help her make her mind up. Especially if she knows you wonder about your twins allergies, she made decide it's worth carrying on for a bit. But she has done very well so far and is obviously shattered. Can her family / friends take over the housework / cooking so she can rest more. She's bf longer than I ever did!

Could you direct here to here?

Dont know if biological nurturing positions might help her feed at night?

Has she been able to express any milk?

Maybe tiktok could advise? I'm completely in the dark re tandem feeding twins tbh.

I think you are entitled to not say "its okay", but, I think if you are going to take that stance, you need to be able to back up that stance with some good support iykwim?

And is there any help available from surestart or whatever to help her get some decent rest?

I bf my twins for 6 weeks,no idea how I managed it but just had to call it a day then. Tandem feeding didn't work for me so it wasn't the producing the milk that was a problem(had gallons) but the endless feeding day and night. Your friend has done amazingly well to get this far.

My sister recently had twins. When she started hinting at needing"permission" to stop as was exhausted I found it a tricky one. On the one hand you don't want to encourage anybody to stop bf but on the other hand when you see somebody you care about having a tough time I do think some degree of honesty is important.

I think I just said she'd done amazingly well,it had to be her decision,she had to be sure she'd have no regrets and they'd thrive just like my dc however she fed them. Most importantly I admitted I found it incredibly hard and could go no further than 6 weeks so was full of admiration that she'd got that far. I think I also said if you're finding bf makes you dread every feed and you feel you're not enjoying your babies as much as you could be(which is how I felt) it could well be time to think of alternatives eg mixed,ebm,formula etc.

I couldn't drive through exhaustion for ages too and as we were in a tiny village was getting seriously fed up with being village bound so she has my sympathy.

Good luck it's a tricky one

Sunny - no idea about co-sleeping or bf-ing twins, I'm afraid! But if she is struggling to get up to bf the twins in the night, then co-sleeping would seem to be the obvious solution. It might mean sleeping separately from her dh/p for a bit, or maybe getting a sidecar cot.

I have no idea of the practicalities, but if the OP's friend did want to continue bf-ing it might be a solution to consider. If she doesn't want to continue, of course, then it's irrelevant!

And can I just add - I have nothing but admiration for mothers of multiples, I know you just have to get on with it but I think you totally rock!

I am pg with dc2 at the moment, and planning to tandem nurse, which I know will be challenging in itself, I can't imagine having 2 newborns to feed!

Sorry if I spoke out of turn - was just trying to think of alternatives to giving up bf-ing!!

I just wanted to add that yes, I agree it has to be her decision, but whatever that decision - it is so nice to hear someone wholeheartedly back you up. Whether you think it's right or wrong, perhaps you could say "Oh, I'm absolutely SURE that's the right decision. Well done"

My mum said this to me about DS. I had a 'crash' CS and was unwell after and actually it wasn't really a 'choice' not to BF as I was too unwell for it to happen and ds was unable to suck etc etc - but after some time I basically took the decision to stop agonising, stop trying; and that was when my mum backed me up so strongly. I still have no idea whether she actually thought it was the right decision or not, but she SAID so at the time and that was so precious to me.

We so rarely get people telling us we're doing well as parents so even one comment like this will be worth so much to her I'm sure.

Hi - I am fully bf-ing my twin girls, nearly 13 weeks, growing nicely. I'm no expert but maybe my experience so far will help in some way?

Recently I have also started to think about introducing formula as I am really tired and I have lost over a kilo a week since they were born (after the initial 7kg drop at birth) - yes 22kg so far! I tried expressing and found it relatively easy but it doesn't reduce the physical tiredness.

I am finding it really hard to think straight about it as in my head I was hoping to bf exclusively for 6 months, and I love it, and my girls are sooo easy - quick feeders, sleep well - but still I am sucked dry physically. It is hard emotionally too because I think bf is making me feel like I have permanent PMT. BF has got easier in the last few weeks as I have cut down the number of feeds gradually to 5/day. But still, I feel drained.

My mum came to visit this week and she suggested I consider mixed feeding so I can have some decent breaks for sleeping and/or going out and having some time to myself. She told me she bf-ed me for one month then felt too tired and switched to formula and I am fine, really strong immune system. Just talking about it with her really helped. Having someone say 'you don't have to carry on if it's not for you, your babies are unlikely to suffer, you're not a bad mother if you formula feed' was great.

I also realised that one reason I haven't used formula yet is that I am exhausted by even the thought of having to find out about bottles and sterilising and formula, let alone having to do it! I am thinking about 1 or 2 formula feeds a day, but also expressing to keep up my milk supply so I can change my mind if need be. It will be more work initially so I will probably rope in DH to work out the formula side and do the bottle feeds initially.

OP you sound like a great friend and I hope you and your friend will be able to talk through all the options and maybe how the transition could be done too, if she decides to mixed-feed or to stop bf entirely. If she wants to keep bf-ing, it WILL get easier.

I really like the 'it's not poison, it's formula' post!

Sorry to muddy the water, but actually, I had no shortage of people saying 'well done - you're doing amazingly well', and 'whatever you decide, it's fine'. Neither of these was actually terribly helpful. At about ten weeks, I really, really didn't need people to tell me that whatever I decided would be the right thing - I needed people to tell me to stop doing anything other than eat, feed, and cuddle (as opposed to worrying about whether I was fecking 'stimulating' them enough)... and also that in a couple of weeks' time, things would get unbelievably easier.

You do sound like a good friend, and I agree with all the pp's who have suggested honesty. Because the truth is, there is no right answer. All you can do is add to her store of knowledge while she comes to her own decision - and try and help her connect with the bigger picture, which is so, so difficult in those insane early days.

Whatever she decides, the twins will be fine. That's the luxury of the age in which we live. The tricky thing is that if bf is something she genuinely wants to do, she might actually need a bit of tough love at times. And it's hard to balance that with the obvious requirement not to add to the guilt-mountain that all new mothers have to lug about...

Good luck - to both of you!

I think you're being a great friend to her just listening and giving her a shoulder to cry on.

you could show your friend this

almostblue - i like your post.

10 weeks seems like a common low-point!

I definitely wouldnt have coped if i hadn't stopped doing everything else at times when i got really tired. I quite often 'babymooned' for days at a time - stayed in bed with babies and just fed and dozed, fed and dozed... only getting up to ransack fridge. didn't even bother to shower or get dressed. didnt answer the phone. didnt MN!!!

OP if you can make sure her fridge is stocked with hi-calorie / hi-protein snacks, ready meals and fruit, and that she's able to eat often and drinking litres of water, it might help relieve the tiredness. works for me.

Maybe you could suggest mixed feeding. If one bottle of formula a day will keep her breastfeeding the rest of the time, it may be the break she needs. A lactation told me that when ds2 was born, she said not to feel guilty about offering a bottle, especially if I was feeling worn and low.

I have lost over a kilo a week since they were born (after the initial 7kg drop at birth) - yes 22kg so far!

Hope you weren't too skinny to start with!

The suggestions of trying to find ways to remove the burden of other practicalities such as the housework are good ones.

Her exhaustion may have just as much to do with trying to do stuff other than feed and sleep at the moment! It may be that the housework could be the thing that has to give, not the feeding.

I think she can combine feed them. My mum breast fed and topped me up with bottles for ages and that made me last longer between feeds and gave her a break - they don't recommend that now but that's what she was told to do in her day. I breast fed all day and then gave a bottle at night after about 6 weeks and that worked well for me - its a happy medium. also, you so should not blame yourself for the allergies - or make that connection - i think breastfeeding is wonderful for the health of a child but i think there is a lot of genetic hereditary stuff involved with illness. I stopped breastfeeding exclusively at 6 weeks, i completely stopped at 3 months - my son is 14 months old and has only had 1 cold and he got that at 13 months. I have friends who breastfeed for a year and their little ones have had lots of colds from 1 month onwards. I have a weak immune system - my body is useless at times and i always get run down which is why i stopped breastfeeding as i was getting ill, my husband never ever gets ill (he never had any breastmilk) and my son has inherited his immune system i think. breastfeeding is wonderful and the best way of feeding, but if your children get allergies or colds it's just one of those things and you're lucky like me if they don't.

also my cousin had twins and she was a big big breastfeeding fan - had huge boobs before she got pregnant and was always proud of them so loved just laying around with them out and breastfeeding her first single kids - a real mother earth, when the twins came we do have lots of photos with her enormous boobs and a baby on each of them, but she was relaxed and let grannies give them bottles too and she said it was lovely because she experienced a different mothering of the twins to her other kids because the grannies got more involved and it made everyone feel really close to them and added another dimension - so she could look at that positive side maybe....

I think you can tell her your experience without giving advice. I don't have twins, but I remember wanting to scream when a friend of my mum's congratulated me on 'feeding my baby myself', and being so grateful when a neighbour told me that she had found bf hard and stopped after a few weeks.

I made my own choice to carry on, but I found it more encouraging to have somebody agree that it was difficult and be honest about her experience than to be told what a wonderful thing bf was.