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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... with DP over the safety and security of our home?

21 replies

gagamama · 24/07/2008 22:46

My DP works from home but will be away for 10 days from Monday for a work-related conference. We have two under-3 DCs and I am 20 weeks pg with the 3rd, so I will be alone 24/7 with the children. We also have a boisterous labrador which our neighbours have ever so kindly offered to take off my hands while DP is away. I am fine with this set-up and have no problems at all with these arrangements.

We don't live in a particularly great area, and this evening DP said to me that I should "remember to set the alarm" if I was going to go out anywhere "because the house might not be secure without the dog here and it would be difficult to claim on the insurance".

We've just had a huge row over this. AIBU to think that if he feels the house is in any way unsecure or that there is a risk someone might break in and potentially harm the DCs/me that he a) shouldn't be worried about the insurance payout and b) should perhaps think seriously about not going? He just can't see WHY I am riled by this. I genuinely don't know if I am BU or not. He thinks he is just being practical but the thought of him prioritising the welfare of our posessions over the welfare of his family has really got to me.

Obviously if I/we decide there is a risk, there will be other options aside from him just not going away, but that's not really the point, IYKWIM.

OP posts:

wrinklytum · 24/07/2008 22:52

I think maybe he was just thinking in practical terms,cos he won't be there

DP has been hospitalised on and off for a year now and always checks that I am locking up the house etc.Its just cos hes not there,I think ,rather than really believing we have a mad axe murderer in the vicinity.

HTH

madamez · 24/07/2008 22:56

Well, not that either is likeley but a burglar who wants to nick the video is more likely than a crazed axe murderer who wants to dismember you and the DC, so I sort of take his point.

potoftea · 24/07/2008 22:57

I think you are over-reacting a little. I'm sure your dh wouldn't leave you or the dc in a situation he felt was unsafe.

He probably feels that there is a possibility that a thief casing the area would normally be put off by the knowledge that a)he was in the house and b) the dog is around. Whereas now when you are out the house is empty.

wrinklytum · 24/07/2008 23:04

sORY,i WAS being a little facetious,but what I was trying to say is that he was thinking in purely practical terms,and probably not meaning to come across as putting your welfare second,though I am sure he was thinking of you.It will be fineIs this the first time hes been away?I was a little spooked bybeing alone with the dcs when dp was in hossy for six months but have got used to it now.It'll be OK.Lock those doors and windows

Blu · 24/07/2008 23:05

mmm, to be honest, I think you have taken this in a certain way, a little bit unnecessarily. He was just reminding you to set the alarm - perhaps not v tacful - why not get the dog back at night if you would feel safer?

Original poster

gagamama · 24/07/2008 23:10

Thank you. I do see his point re the house being empty whereas usually he and the dog are in. And I know the chances of either happening are fairly slim. He did suggest that I could set the alarm whilst we are in bed (which would work provided nobody got up in the night... hmm, in my dreams maybe!!) or to keep the dog at home. But both would be pretty inconvenient really and probably not worth the trouble.

I think realistically we are pretty safe, and before he mentioned the alarm thing I had no problems with the setup at all. I guess it't just his practical (read: insensitive) man way of seeing things that got to me.

OP posts:

nametaken · 25/07/2008 10:27

YABU - he was just reminding you to set the alarm. Don't you ever remind him of anything.

MsDemeanor · 25/07/2008 10:36

It is MUCh more likely that burglars will break into an empty house than that a maniac will break in while you are sleeping! I think you have completely misinterpreted what he is saying, probably because you are really quite anxious deep down.
Mind you my dh used to drive me mad drivelling on about the alarm and the insurance blah blah until the alarm broke and I left it to him to get it fixed. Not another word!

themildmannneredjanitor · 25/07/2008 10:39

yabu and a bit mental tbh.

2point4kids · 25/07/2008 10:42

Sorry yabu.
Probably just your worries about being alone coming out though.
I think you should apologise to him.

seeker · 25/07/2008 10:43

Can't see he's done anything wron, sorry - and I don't think he's even being insensitive. He's just saying that without the dog it's even more important to remember to set the alarm. With the best will in the world, I can't put him in the wrong here, however hard I try!

HappyNewMum2Be · 25/07/2008 10:57

Just a thought, we used to have a dog (RIP Sadie) and we have our alarm set at night to isolate the PIR sensors and just work on the door and window locks. This meant that our blessed puppy was able to wander around at night (as they do) and not set anything off, however, anyone trying to gain access to the house or the detached garage would set the alarm off.

Could you set that up?

We never had a problem with anyone coming near our house while we had the dog (especially during the day when we were out) but since she died a few years ago, we have had our car broken into twice at night. Before, anyone coming within 20 yards would have been told she was there and watching them.

Men, they know what they want to achieve, but so often are unable to actually communicate it .

Original poster

gagamama · 25/07/2008 15:03

Hmm, I don't think I'm being 'mental' as such. I didn't mention it in my earlier post as I didn't think it was relevant but when I was a student I used to work in a bar and staying late one night to cash the till and lock up I could hear someone trying to open the back door. I went and opened thinking it was my manager popping back for something but it was a guy with a baseball bat trying to get it. Luckily he freaked out when he saw me and ran off but it truly frightened me and I do worry what a burglar might do if disturbed. DP knows about this incident (he worked in the same bar) and it's the fact that he was implying that he didn't think our home was secure, with the added fact that he was worried about our posessions rather than us that upset me, rather than the fact he was reminding me to set the alarm, which I do understand was a perfectly reasonable request.

I do appreciate I am being unreasonable though and I have apologised to DP and prior to this conversation I personally felt our house was perfectly secure. Obviously I know he doesn't have any special powers of foresight and him suggesting I set the alarm isn't the same as saying someone is going to break it.

OP posts:

Original poster

gagamama · 25/07/2008 15:04

Obviously, "trying to get it" should be "trying to get IN".

OP posts:

Original poster

gagamama · 25/07/2008 15:05

And "break it" should be "break IN". I don't know what's wrong with me.

OP posts:

MsDemeanor · 25/07/2008 16:00

"with the added fact that he was worried about our posessions rather than us that upset me"
Come on now, that's not a 'fact' at all - he was only suggesting you set the alarm when you go out. No normal house is ever totally secure, but it's a lot more secure when it's occupied, and a lot more likely to be burgled when everyone is out during the day.
I suspect you are a bit scared about being on your own, which is perfectly normal, esp if you've had a previous bad experience.

hearnoevil · 25/07/2008 18:14

yabu, complete over reaction.

Lovesdogsandcats · 25/07/2008 18:26

er why can't you look after your dog? I managed 3 dogs and a 3 year old when I had my ds, AND that was while getting over a csection with him...to be honest the only reason they let me out of hospital a day early was because i couldn't bear to be away from dd and the dogs and cats a minute longer.

Maybe its just me.

wannaBe · 25/07/2008 18:35

I think yabu.

Whenever my dh is out overnight he rings me to make sure I've locked all the doors and that I switch all lights off etc - he is just looking out for me.

Can't really see why you're getting rid of the dog either tbh, if you can't handle having a dog why do you have one?

mysteryfairy · 25/07/2008 18:51

Sounds to me like your DH is just having a go at you in a passive aggressive way because he doesn't like the fact that the dog is going to be looked after elsewhere. Apologies if that is way off the mark but that would be the explanation if my DH made similar remarks!

itati · 25/07/2008 18:53

tmmj

I doubt for a minute he valuies possessions over his family. He is just conscious of the fact you won't have the dog there in case.

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