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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to knock h out after this comment?

45 replies

ALMummy · 20/07/2008 20:46

Obviously not going to but wanting to greatly.

Today talking about my job search. He has a good job, he enjoys and is off on a jolly with work to Europe in a couple of weeks, on top of his other boys abroad trips he has taken in the last year. We have had one family holiday in that time so had a little moan about how I wished we were going away. H says "Well it is no point moaning, I made this job happen for myself, you need to get your act together and make it happen for yourself if you want the perks that go with working". Yes you complete twunt, you are right you did make this happen for yourself, while I provided 24 hour a day childcare and you never got up in the night with one of your children even once in their lives, while we lived on crap crap money so you could "make things happen for yourself". I am a SAHM and couldn't get a job because he works odd shifts and you never know from one week to the next what he will be on.

I would love to make things happen for myself in a similar way but will I have 24 hour a day child care and the domestic back up that he has in order to do so? I don't farkin think so . It will be some crappy, fit in with the family job. I am livid. So AIBU, AM I?!?!??????

OP posts:

TeeBee · 21/07/2008 15:46

I'd say knock him out - truely. You'll feel better for it.

Blu · 21/07/2008 15:54

I do not think YABU at all.

BUT there is one way in which you are doing it to yourself.

How do you mean, you wouldn't go away fro a few dyas because you wouldn't do that to your DC?

they have 2 parents - and maybe grandparents or other close family too, if you are lucky.

Tell your DH you are making it happen for yourself. That you have booked yourself onto a course / spa weekend / anything you like, and he had better take some holiday of TOIL or other leave because he will be in charge of childcare.

Do something that will help you get work in the future - if that IS what you want, or something which you tell him is a 'perk' of the f/t job you DO have - which is the occasional w/e off.

If you allow yoursrelf to believe that you are indispensible to you children 24/7 (once they are no longer b/f) then to that tiny little extent, he is right.

Good luck.

ellideb · 21/07/2008 16:00

Poor you, I would be furious. I would promptly book myself a holiday with my girlfriends minus the children, for a week or two, and just leave him to it. Nothing like a bit of a reality check to make him appreciate you more. Good luck.

PinkTulips · 21/07/2008 16:05

oooooo deck him!

i really hope you ranted all that at him as well because he definitely needed to hear it [sngry]

twat

Seabright · 21/07/2008 16:07

What about doing some ebay trading? I know it doesn't make much, but it would be all yours. I bet you have stuff around the house you could list and get rid of - then use the money however you want

PinkTulips · 21/07/2008 16:10

dp never, ever, ever got up for the dc's

he didn't change a nappy til 3 months old and 2 months old respectively and with our first he only changed 5 in the first 6 months.

he never got up and gave me a lie in til she was 10 months old and i got pregnant again and threatened to leave him if he didn't grow up.

he's better now they're older but i still have to follow the marge simpson school of 'constant gentle nagging'

lucyellensmum · 21/07/2008 16:10

YABU to want to knock him out. Step aside, I'll do it for you!!!! He needs to get his head out of his arse and realise taht you have bloody well helped him make this happen for you. What is it he thinks you do all day??? So is it a case that whats his is his and you get an allowance, please tell me this isn't true. STeam coming out of my ears

Original poster

ALMummy · 21/07/2008 19:18

I am afraid that is the case LEM but not for much longer I can tell you. I have spent a few years trying to get him to see the error of his ways. Had Words about it today when I showed him a job that I could feasibly do but involves being "flexible" (ie extra long hours and days away etc)and he said "Well it's not really possible is it, what with the kids and that". I just looked at him and he did in the end admit that he had been wrong with what he said the other day. Hoofarkinray! Can not bloody wait to get a job and tell him to poke his money where the sun doesn't shine.

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 21/07/2008 19:27

i think it is quite sad that couples talk about "his money" "my money" if thats the case, i don't have any money, at all - but i have free access to any money that we do have, not alot at the moment. It would be the same if i were working, the money would be ours. I thought being a couple was about being a partnership. This isn't a criticism, lots of my friends do this, but i find it odd.

itati · 21/07/2008 19:40

YANBU

Why don't you make it happen that you live in the house alone with the children?

itati · 21/07/2008 19:42

My husband got up every single night with all three of our children when I breast fed and gets up more than I do now when they wake.

GirlySquare · 21/07/2008 20:03

YANBU - he's an a**hole

Original poster

ALMummy · 21/07/2008 20:07

GirlySquare I heard that song years and years ago the lovely DL sang a similar version on a beer ad with regard to drink driving and I have been telling people about it ever since and no-one ever knows what I mean. That is BRILLIANT .

OP posts:

beanieb · 21/07/2008 20:11

do you want a full time job? You should be able to get one if you do, so long as you can agree any childcare costs with DH. Perhaps he needs to be gently reminded that commeth the new job commeth a new routine - one where you share non work life commitments you have EQUALLY!

There is a bright side, just keep looking and get that job!

GirlySquare · 21/07/2008 20:15

Glad it gave you a giggle, I just found this which could give him a few pointers on how you facilitated his 'making it happen'.

Jackstini · 21/07/2008 20:16

No YANBU - cheeky twunt that he is.
Until he realises how hard you work with the dcs though he won't appreciate it.
If I was to take a harsh side (& I don't want to as you sound lovely and very put upon) I would say your dcs deserve a Dad that is capable of taking care of them and appreciates their Mother - and for this I really think a weekend away for you would do a power of good.
Oh, and next time he says "I made this happen for myself" just say "bollocks - I enabled you to make it happen with my constant support & 24/7 housework and childcare - otherwise matey, you couldn't have done it!"

QueenBhannae · 21/07/2008 20:25

He is a twunt.
However, you must not allow this to continue!
If you think it would help,change your mumsnet name to something that identifies you as a person not what role you play.Little things can empower you
Being a Mummy is important but what happens when they grow up?
I am a sahm btw and have decided to start a degree in September. I have worked out an arrangement with my dh and he will have to work less hours.
Make a rota if needs be or better still make him take a career break and have the kids and do the housework whilst you get yours on track (not financially doable in most cases but a nice idea)
Hope you find a solution that works for you

Original poster

ALMummy · 21/07/2008 20:39

QB if I was a Captain of Industry I would still call myself ALMummy because of everything I have ever done in my life and it is pretty extensive - won't list my CV here it is the most worthwhile and empowering thing I have ever done. No matter what else I do being a Mum will always come first so I don't feel disempowered by calling myself this.

Also H when he drinks becomes incapable and I wouldn't be able to leave my dc with him without worrying myself to death the whole time I was away in case he had "a few". So thats why I don't do the going away thing, not because I think they only need me or I am obsessed by my kids.

Your idea of a rota or career break for him sounds good, you obviously have a decent man because my H would never even consider this.

OP posts:

QueenBhannae · 21/07/2008 20:47

ALM-I honestly did not mean to offend you with suggesting you change your name I did say that you should if you thought it might help you in some way. I apologise
My dh is great but was not always. I have had to really drum into him not to leave sharp knives poking over the worktop, the front door wide open and the open fire without a guard etc etc
Good luck with your job hunt.

Grrlscout · 22/07/2008 08:22

Hang in there ALMummy - you'll find a job soon. I really chafed under the "my money/your money" thing. DH tried it, twice - the first time, I was so shocked and hurt that I couldn't respond properly... the second time, though, I was ready for him. ;) He hasn't done it since!

I can see where your concerns are about him possibly being 3 sheets to the wind around your DC, but honestly, even if he was angelic you'd be a bit worried when you go back to work. If you find it worries you to the point that it's affecting your job search, you need to arrange alternate childcare. It may not be fair that he isn't doing his share, but it's hard enough to be a working mother without having to worry the entire foundation that allows you to go back to work isn't rock-solid.

It is and it isn't up to him what kind of job you find, but if it's something you enjoy and will succeed at, or at the very least will bring in a bit of money, you'd think he'd be bending over backwards to try and help you do it. It really doesn't matter what that job is, as long as it doesn't require relocation! Don't buy the argument of "too much adjustment" - if you've been a SAHM for a while, guess what... you going back to work is going to be a huge adjustment on its own. If you think you can handle just that tiny bit more of an adjustment, and can think of ways to iron over the rougher spots, who is he to say you can't do it?

If you can't rely on him to help you, for whatever reason, you really do have to sort something else without him. Some men just think that a father is a provider and that's about it, you know... maybe he just doesn't feel, deep down, that it's his job to help. Or maybe he doesn't feel that he should rearrange his life for a part time job. Either way of thinking is a bit crap, but you can explore that as a couple once you've found a great job that you like, right? Particularly when you've reestablished a bit of independence and confidence that you can still do non-mummy things and succeed.

Right, this place (Mumsnet) is dangerous. Only meant to sit down and have a read and my tea's gone cold and my five minutes is gone!

All the best...

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