wanting more from my relationship with dh

[cameracase]

Have name changed!

I would like peoples opinions on this, I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable or too reasonable...so please help me balance things out...

Brief history...

Dh works 8 til 5 and then goes back to work (self employed) 8.30pm til 9pm Mon to fri. On a saturday he goes into work at 7am to 8.30am, comes back for a couple of hours then stays at work till 4, during the day he actually works a total of 3 hours, the rest is his time doing some reading whatever...apparently his 'me time'. I have finally after 2 years of asking got him to take the sunday off as someone else (without a child) can do the few hours work.

We take it in turns to go out on a saturday night. It is my choice not to go out drinking, I'm not into that, I just go and meet friends at the nearest city for a nice meal, back for 11 at very latest and sober. I'm up the next morning (not much choice, dh does not seem to think I need a lay in) when dc is up. We spend sunday together as a family doing things.

Dh also sees his nights out as more important as mine...

Exhibit a) recently warned him (twice 2 months and a month beforehand) that I needed to go out on one of his saturdays. He forgot, I reminded him, he cancelled it, then said he would have 3 wkends out in a row to make up for it. I put him straight on this.

Exhibit b)when we come back from holiday, even if it is due to be my night out on the saturday we come back...he will take it 'can't expect me to miss a night out??'

Exhibit c) he insists he goes out saturday before xmas/nye and xmas eve/nye itself AND boxing day from 2pm till 4am...

My dh goes out on a saturday night at about 8pm returning at about 4.30am (I generally always wake up and usually have a restless night as he is out of the house and I don't know when he is going to come in) and getting up at 11am. This morning my dd was up at 5.45am...he never says much, but he likes me to keep dd quiet till 11am...she is 2.4yrs...I am going to go out but apart from walking there is nothing much open till 9.30 at the earliest. The day is then wasted to me it is another weekday, but less fun, there is no family time out and there would not be if I did the same as dh. We don't go out in the aft as our dd still has 3 hours sleep on an afternoon...

Sorry its so long...if your still with me...

Finances
Dh has a bank acct I have NO access too with all the savings in...about 20k at least, I don't know the exact figure, he does not like me to look. I think he has long term issues about money due to previous gf's (have pointed out I am not a replica of them!). After a long hard battle I finally got him to agree to allow me to become a joint acct holder, not set up appt yet but will do so. He also gets 'cash in hand'. This money he uses for his nights out and his clothes and most of his weeks food (has odd diet). I get £1200 a month for all household bills, food, mine and dd's clothes, entrance into softplay once a week, playgroups we go to, birthday and xmas presents (for his mum and dad as well) white goods, car maintenance (do not pay for diesel or have a mortgage) and any nights out. Maybe I'm too extravagent but I just manage on this budget. Please tell me if I am

So I suppose what this ramble is about...I'm feeling really peed off about his saturday nights out. I feel I'm left as the only responsible adult in the house from saturday night till sunday afternoon. I want a BREAK on a sunday...he has a break every day of the week for gods sake!! But when I raise this he says that if I can do his job (heavy manual work) that we'll swop...and often says he finds looking after dd easy. Most he has done it for is 4 hours. I'm not sure about finances, I resent the fact I have to save up for everything whereas he dives into a cash pile and just gets what he wants, not that he does buy much, maybe once a year he will get new clothes, but they are all good quality...

I think I'm also tired of reminding him to give me a hug even he never hugs me unless I remind him...and even then he won't do it. He feels uncomfortable hugging. He will 'hug' in bed...but we all know where that leads...or rather in this case it does not lead to sex cause I just turn into an frozen oven ready chicken and tell him no...I hate to be hugged just so he can get his leg over.

I've tried talking too him...I've seen a therapist for years who told me things to say that is not going to put his back up...does not have much impact...

This should be in relationships...but still feel I'm being unreasonable...

DH and I both work PT and share care of DD, but when he worked full time and I was on mat leave the time when we were both together the housework and childcare was equal, if not more skewed to DH. He acknowledged that being at home with DD was exhausting so he would take DD off my hands even though he'd been at work all day.

Bumperlicious - he just makes a mild comment the next time. He is clearly uncomfortable with mixing things up, his routine is everything to him...quite OCD like. He is aware of this, as I am. Yes I am stuck in his routines...it grinds you down! Its not so much he will have a barny with you if you change any thing...he has never argued with me, ever (wish he bloody would!) he will adjust...but you know the next day everything will just click into place again. And he doesn't like eating later at night as he cannot sleep without enough time to digest it

Appreciate you telling me about your work/mat leave split of housework...because he does manual work he does come home exhausted and with a bad back at the moment...and I'm just mentally tired usually...

Bossybritches - I don't send him shopping unless it is bread or milk as he has problems with simple lists...things he brings can be comical...eg grapefruits instead of oranges...instead of sage which I wanted for a cold remedy, which I told him about...he got Paxo ...as much use as a chocolate fireguard. And I have been meaning to use Tesco online...just not got round to it...so this week I could have made things easier for myself...

So before I become too much the downtrodden wife and whinging about this...where on earth do I start...

1. More affection (priority!) any suggestions on how to say this? I've tried 'If you give me more hugs you will get more sex, maybe', also 'I need more affection' also 'I need two to three hugs a day, anytime, it really upsets me when I don't get any affection'...any other variations to try?

1. Nights out - This is a very strong routine of his...it will be hard to crack.

1. His maths - he wants to do it 5 times a week and during the day on a saturday...and think about it...and wants to do an a level. He does say its up to me if I can cope with it...he's been doing it 4 hours a week for the past 5 years...it would be nice to see him get something for all his work...but I don't think I can cope with a year of it...and I feel guilty for telling him no.

1. Finances - not sure how I want this one to go...I'm tempted by the idea that all dd come out of his big acct. I like the idea of having a separate acct for just my clothes and nights out...

1. Private education (day)...at first I was keen...but the nearest schools are about 30 mins away...and it will be a struggle to afford...we think we can do it...but I'm not convinced. It could be my nerves at sending my dd all that way (she's my first ) everyday early in the morning and back later at night...and if she's poorly its a long way to go...maybe I being a wuss? And if we did not send her to ps we could afford a house with a garden...just a yard at the moment, which is I suppose what I really want...but feeling selfish for wanting that if the best for dd would be private school

1. How do I go about changing the routines...its just so...mentally challenging...its like a shutter goes down when I try to think outside of the schedule! Mental...

Can anyone actually be bothered with this anymore? I do want to change things but I am very bad at confrontation or speaking about my feelings...so I get very het up thinking about it even...which is why we have got to this point...

He honestly is not all bad, this is only some of who he is. He never critises my looks, only compliments, and I'm stuck...he has got positive points...he must do!

Thanks for reading this far x

Were things any different before you had DD? Does that give any clues?

Hi Professor, yes he was the same...worse with dd because I need more from him now...and I'm not getting it! I just don't seem to be able to find the words to put things across to him...

Hi cameracase... I've just read through this thread. Before you had DD, did you used to have nights out together? Or were they still separate? I would not like it if dh was going out drinking until late with friends... I'm 28 weeks pg now and he just had to go to a staff function for work until midnight the other night and I chose not to go (just too tired) but it is rare that he goes out without me... I would hope that once pfb is here, we get a babysitter and go out together or something not one at a time (like to dinner/cinema or something).

In my opinion he's not treating you like his wife and mother of his child, he's treating you more like a flatmate who looks after his child. That sounds harsh, but I do wish he'd see things from your POV and change his attitude.

Stella...I want affection...if he will not put out (so to speak!) then no...but we have a dd together...I don't want her to grow up expecting no affection in a relationship...

Thanks Star, we went out once a week for a meal, and nights out together drinking were rare...I was able to go out with him and his mates (if there was room, whole other issue there...) but chose not to as I don't like drunken nights out...and I don't like him when he's drunk...he's just an idjit. Due to his work in evenings we didn't go to the cinema either. We would spend nights in, generally reading...no tv usually either...can't say I miss it...but its nice to just watch crap and chat...he will do it on occasion but its not in his routine...he also does like my friends and gets on well with them which is nice... You know what else I've managed to put my finger on...you are saying flatmate...others said partner...I'm thinking marriage of convenience

gotta go...thanks for posts

Don't think you are being ureasonable. Doesn';t sound like a realationship of equals - and you don't just judge that via earnings

Gonna recommend this again. Basic non nonsense communicatiopn for down in the dumps relationships

Ok may I answer your list? Only suggestions -my VHO obviosuly but ......

1. follow up these statements by hugging HIM more,don't wait to be asked or ask him just do it maybe a gentle squeeze as he stands at the door or at the sink, smile & move on -keep doing this unti lhe is comfortable with it & he may repsond more affectionately.

2)Nights out- you may have to negociate hard on this one (and possibly bide your time till you see if (1) is working!!) but insist you have a night or two a month out together, book the babysitter & say brightly RIGHT where shall WE go? On his boys nights out ask him to get back in time to go to bed at a reasonable time so you can expect him to help with DD in the morning.

3)I'm sorry if he's been doing it 4 hours a week for the past 5 years ??? WTF has he been doing if he can't get an "O"level in that time? Has he actually taken the exam?

4)Jsut do it -get a seperate account, put the family allowance into it every month and anything else you can winkle away. You don't even need to tell him- hide the book it can be a rainy day fund.

5. This is a biggie but you need to be in agreement about it. Why should he work all the hours & deprive you all NOW for fees in a few years time? Are state schools round your way SO bad? If you didn't have fees you could have a nicer house & the extra can pay for school trips/unifornms /extra tuition/clubs as needed there is always something!!

6. mmmmn possibly leave this one for now can't change it ALL at once!! Try just slowly pushing mealtimes back/forward a tad to surprise him & give you a break.

sorry to sound tough but you sound so bogged down by it all you can't see the wood for the trees!!

I just think he's trying to live a bachelor lifestyle... although probably really hard for him to see since all of his friends are so much younger/unattached.
I would be concerned if my dh was out until 4am without me at clubs. Maybe you should just tell him directly that you think this marriage is more of a convenience for him than anything else and that if he wants to continue on with it, changes need to be made, or else you'll move on... maybe he needs an ultimatum (but ONLY if your whole heart is in it and YOU feel this way).

wait - I just read more... you could go out with them "if there was room"? What is that?

If you don't like him when he drinks, I wonder why he still continues to do it... Does he know you don't like the way he gets?
I know this isn't always possible, but I got really fed up with some of dh's friends, so I started organizing weekend get togethers with new friends (more our age or a bit older even who I knew didn't drink for entertainment) - he really likes them (thank god!!!). Listening to other men who are or are soon-to-be dads was really helpful... it made him realize that he could still be "cool" and have fun even when not with less mature, drinking-obsessed mates.
It helped him to let go of this silly childish phase of life and move on.

You wonderful people

Feeling a bit more upbeat today thanks to your posts

I've started small, as he had agreed to a joint acct (bout 6 months ago) I have asked him this morning to arrange the appt and he said what time would suit and will prob be able to arrange in next couple of days...will text and remind him so that is one small step in the right direction. He did ask today if I got a good nights sleep...I think he knows something is up, he is observant and my request about the joint acct won't have gone unnoticed...suspect he will be in listening mode out of curiousty if nothing else in next few days...

Thank you Monkeytrousers for validation and have ordered the book.

Bossybritches, thank you for taking time to answer list it was a long one!

1. I will try this...but he freezes up totally when you do this, gets a cold distant look on his face...quenches any affectionate feelings on my part...its like hugging a block of ice...but there again...heat melts ice . We both feel he has aspergers (mild autism) and this is one of the things they don't like, unexpected hugs, it has to be their time of choice, which is why I have been asking him to take the lead in this one in a bid to get him more comfortable with the idea. He does put his arm round me when we are sat down (if I ask) and kisses me hello/goodbye/morning/night so not totally without affection. And last week I did think I had cracked it when I was washing up and he gave me a hug from behind (don't read that wrong!) and I did thank him...but think that may have put him off? So I think progress can be made...btw don't feel you have to reply to all this! Just my thought process and explaining more.

1. I've already got a slightly better agreement on this one...I am pg (early days) and have told him I want him to go to nearer town, so no clubbing but he still will be getting back at 2am which means he lays in til 10am then...he knows I resent him going out and he thinks I'm bu!

1. No not taken any exam, its a hobby(?!?!?!). I think I will say no to exam thinking about it...the bit of quiet time we get together after dd goes to bed is spent with him doing maths and me reading or watching tv...oh and you do best not to disturb him too much...loses track of the problem he's on...

1. I do have a separate acct in another bank...and a savings acct, I'm just not good at saving...hes as tight as a mouses lug.

1. He sees it as giving a huge boost to dd in her future possible careers, or not as she chooses...schools are not that bad round here. If we were not saving for private school we would be really really well off...and even tho the house we have its beautiful...it has no garden still! And its quite dark and dingy in the kitchen (lets face it, I spend quite a bit of time in it) and I find it depressing...there is alot too it...and its very spacious...just dark (and depressing) but dh loves the dark unlike me so he's sorted... I do keep pointing out to him that I have to live here the majority of the day. I know perfect houses are impossible to come by but we could have a garden with extra money. But would it make me happier? And would I end up feeling guilty depriving my dd and future dc of a really good future? I need to have a good long think on this one...

1. Mealtimes are not bad...he eats a different meal to us that is v quick to prepare (20 min). But it does deprive us of eating as a family. I did start cooking a lot a while back...then I got depressed and slipped out of habit again...and stuck to convenience food...pasta and pesto is a lifesaver! Back to times...it is late sometimes...he just goes with the flow but won't go later for a meal...even when we did go out for meals we would go as soon as he got back from work at 5pm.

What wood? I'll just take it step by step. Because of the way I was brought up I'm used to no affection and my feelings being ignored so I do find I slip back easily into accepting behaviour like this. Its hard to keep climbing out of a pit to slide back in again but I keep fighting another day, I am getting there...just very slowly.

Thanks Star room in taxi. I guess he does have it easy. I do trust him, but I don't like the fact the responsibility for childcare lays solely with me for that time and he ruins an entire family day with being hung over...it sucks. I don't actually see him drunk now a days. I do like the idea of more mature friends. He does have friends with kids...but they tend to have a childs mentality . I do have friends with kids but don't fancy drinking on an evening...its just not me (after years of pretending it is!). I can see typing this that we do need to work on the social side of our life a bit more...some sort of compromise.

Thanks for reading this far again...this is all helping me realise what is acceptable behaviour. Part of it is how I am reacting to it (doormat!) and part his routine's and breaking into new one's.

Going to arrange Tesco online shopping now

Good that he's responsive to what you've said... it shows that he cares somewhat at least. You sound like you're on the right track to making things better. I would still be anxious to sort out that bachelor-drinking-late-night-clubbing behaviour, though - even if it is "only" until 2am. To be honest, I'm originally from the US (we've been overseas for nearly 5 years now) and I have observed that drinking is a bit more of the "culture" over here, so perhaps I'm just over reacting to that part, not sure.

I guess what I don't get about the clubbing and excessive, late night drinking thing is that it's something that a lot of us do when we're younger and single or just dating...etc... but once you have gotten married and especially once you've had a child, you would think that both partners would want to spend their free time together and with the child (most of the time - I understand having the ocassional boys night or girls night, certainly!)
I view nightclubs as meat markets and a singles scene. What's the appeal of drinking so much you're hungover and hanging out in that sort of environment (regularly) if you have your special someone at home AND your child?