To be pissed off that DH has started smoking again?

[Sallyre]

He promised me he'd give up when I first got pregnant. We've got a nearly 4yo and an 18month old now - he's tried patches, hypnosis. And recently was on Champix which blocks nicotine receptors in the brain.

Every time he gives up he eats loads, is horrible and grumpy and once he starts smoking again smokes twice as much as he did before he stopped.

I went away for a week and he was away the week after that at a conference in America - got back last weekend. Since he got back he's been horrible - I assumed it was jetlag. It was nicotine withdrawal as he must have smoked while I was away and he was away.

He went out today and bought fags. And I was angry. And he EXPLODED at me - said I was unsupportive and selfish and self-centered. Swore in front of the boys. Punched the wall. Totally upset and angry all because I asked "are we back where we were again before you stopped then?". And I was pissed off. And angry. But more at the nicotine than him (though honestly quite a bit at him for being so fucking weak). I gave up smoking the day I got a BFP. I had to go cold turkey obviously. And I did it for my son.

We can't afford cigarettes as I'm a SAHM. I went out with DS1 to see Kung Fu Panda and have just got back and we haven't spoken yet. I don't know what to do. He's never lost it so much - in 17 years of being together I've never seen him punch a wall.

I think a lot of it is his own guilt and self disgust. Or am I being unsupportive and selfish?

Both really he must feel totally stupid for being back on the fags and you feel let down . But he must be finding giving up the fags hard and needs support because you wont be telling him anything he dosnt know himself . If you want him off the fags be as nice as you can .

If he wants to smoke he will - either be supportive or risk him going underground and going out all the time so he can smoke in peace.

Accusing you of being unsupportive was irrational. Why should you be supportive of his smoking? And you don't support his giving up by saying ok dear, yes, you go out and spend our precious money on poison which is killing you and doing our dc no good either.

Having said that, clearly giving up smoking is extremely hard for him and he probably does hate himself for being weak, especially as you gave up successfully yourself.

I recommend a book called "Stop Smoking, Stay Cool" by Richard Craze. The author, an ex smoker, is now dead from a sudden heart attack, leaving several children, the youngest being 3 years old. You can get it from Whiteladderpress (google it, sorry can't do links).

It's an entertaining read which empathises with the heavily addicted smoker.

He exploded because he was feeling guilty, stressed and angry with himself. You just lit the blue touch paper.

If you do want him to stop smoking, you have to a. wait for it to be the right time for him - you can't make him and b. be supportive - not nagging, not criticising. Giving up smoking is hard - equally, being married to someone giving up smoking is hard.

What edam said.

I wish DH would quit. His habit is half-price because he gets rolling baccy from an Eastern European work mate who sells 50g for a fiver.

But you know what?

I knew he was a smoker when I married him.

I was, too.

I gave up.

He hasn't.

And until the day he really wants to or he dies, that's how it is.

sally what you do is just tell him you will not say another word about his smoking until he wants your support to try again - and just tell him you will support him when ever that is.

If he goes outside for a smoke and then comes in near the children, the nicotine and smoke residue in his breath is dangerous for them for up to several hours afterwards.

If you can convince him to have one fag at the end of the garden after they've gone to bed, as a start to quitting that might help.

One fag a day can be enough and then when the person is ready, they can drop it. But its weaning off and will power.

Sallyre, were you ever a smoker?

Guess so , she says she gave up when she found out she was pg. I did too and my then partner said he would. He then lied about it, snuck around, hid packets of fags around the place etc until he split up a year later. He too would be defensive to the point of aggression and would swear blind he wasn't smoking as he wafted great waves of stale fags over me and dropped lighters in his wake.

No advice, sorry, but I don't think you're being unreasonable. And he's a knob for punching walls and shouting in front of your children too.

This obviously won't be a popular opinion but why can't he give up? She smoked too and managed it without all the patches, hypnosis etc because she cared about the children. He's had loads of help and can't do it. I smoked from aged 15 to 28 and gave up, I've had lapses sure but odd fags, not weeks. But apparantly it was harder for my ex - why's that then? Why is it harder for Sallyre's SO than her? Sallyre has said that she's been supportive, they're skint and he's had patches, NHS help, whatever and he can't do it. Doesn't there come a point when that means won't do it? Because he doesn't really want to? So we should maybe be a bit less understanding of his poor wee feelings and kick him up the bum a bit? Why should she keep supporting him when he keeps giving up (on giving up, if you get me)? When does she say enough?

Blimey, I'm in a bad, judgemental mood tonight. If I could only have a fag to calm down

I think I need to pop my glasses on

Kind of agree with Tippychick!

But anyway - has he tried Allen Carr? Worked like a charm for me

What worked for me was my baby - I gave up when pg cos you have to, it didn't occur to me ever to keep smoking. Then I had a few when she was small, mainly because the ex had gone back on them openly for a period and I had been craving a fag and a drink for nine months. Then I read a book where a little girl's mother died of cancer, a novel not a true story rubbernecky one, and DD was on my lap - I thought my heart would break. Now every time I lapse after a glass of wine - at Christmas was one - I think of her being left alone if I died, of me having to explain to her how I could have prevented lung cancer but I didn't value my time with her enough, of me breathing second hand smoke on her perfect skin and lungs, of her getting older and copying me. And that's more powerful than the lure of the cigs I reckon.

I kept a printout of this story for when i got weak:

randomreality.blogware.com/blog/_archives/2006/12/5/2549069.html

Lung cancer never seems a reality, so this brought it home for me.

@ Tippychick: you're doing yourself a disservice by saying you were pg and had to give up. Lots of people carry right on smoking. What about those women you see hanging around outside the labour ward relieving their contractions with a fag?

It's still incredibly hard to give up even when you know you should.

It seems to me that you have to want to be a non-smoker. A lot of people give up because they feel they have to. They still would love to carry on smoking in "a perfect world". But if you start to hate that about yourself, the smell, the cost, the feeling of weakness in needing one, you're more likely to succeed in giving up. That's my opinion anyway.