regarding xhs wanting to change his access arrangement this weekend.

[averyquickex]

bloody hell I am asking way too much advice over the last couple of days, but xh makes me doubt my own reasoning, as he is so set on his.

So, blah blah blah. I have a handover person so I dont have to actually see xh when he sees ds. he wants me to increae hw much he sees ds, but I tld him recently I cant increase access cos I cant do it personally but would need dad to come (140 mile round trip) and do it. xh keeps playng with my mind and I cannot heal while I still see him. I told him if he leaves me alone (while he is with ow), I will heal and be ready to increase access sooner rather than later.

last night xhs car broke down.
my dad has offered to pick up xh so he can see ds.
xh says he is too busy today, and wants to reschedule for tomoorrow - he needs to get his car fixed, get a loan and sort out a more reliable car so he can get to work etc.
I recommended getting a hire car and not getting a new car until he gets his insurance money through (long story).

I rearranged my freinds visit to tomorrow night instead of last night as me and xh were going to 'talk'. his car broke and so he didnt come, though we talked on the phone.
well I dont want to reaarange my friends again. I would need my dad to come back to do the handover. I told him this, and said to do his stuff tomorrow instead, or gt a hire car.
he said, too busy, let me know when its convenient for you to let me see ds and hung up.

so aibu or is he?

please anyone?
I feel like I am losing my mind.

forgot to say his car is mended and working at the mo...

sounds like its just been a bit of a mess this weekend although he sounds unreasonable not putting his DS first when he could do other stuff other days.

can you draw a line under it and try and forget it and carry on as normal for next visit?

I dont want ds to see us together - it would be awful for him. I am happy with the contact he has at the mo - he is hassling me for more, which I am happy to do when I am more healed. at the mo, I have dad come over to do a handover. I have suggested having ds for whole day next time, but he has no car seat or any equipment so stays round mine to see ds. we have discussed this at length, and are both happy with keeping things as they are and to try again in a couple of months.

the issue here is he thinks I am being unreasonable in not changing my plans (and my friends and their family, and my dads) by changing his access to tomorrow.
imo he can sort everything out tomorrow that he wants to do today, dad can collect him.

this will be the 3rd time he has changed access at the last min, within the 2 months we have been split.

"happy to do when i am more healed", i know its painful for you but you need to put your DS's welfare first. you need to separate how you feel from what is best for your son.

also, im confused, you cant see him for the handover and yet he stays at your house to see DS... what do you do then go out when he is htere?

in answer to your question it does seem from what you've said that he is being unreasonable if he keeps chopping and changing and you are the one that is organising everything.

I dont think its good for ds to see me and xh together yet. I think he would pick up on the animosity between us.
I also do not want xh to have unsupervised contact with ds - he doesnt know anything about his allergies etc. So dad stays with him.
xh cant take him out as he has no car seat / equipment.
And I do not want him to have unsupervised contact - I am concerned about xh's state of mind (he used to be violent to me, and has recently attempted suicide, and is quite reckless). I do not trust him to keep ds safe.
This is why I go to such efforts, for the sake of ds, to arrange xh's contact with someone else.
Ideally I would like to be able to do the handover, but I am not strong enough while he is still playing with my mind.

and that is why I posted yesterday about asking him to dump ow so we can be friends - so I can tolerate him and so not need anyone else to be involved in the supervised contact.

ok point taken.
I still dont trust him, still think he has no clue about how to look afer him, and would worry I might never see ds again, but those aremy problems arent they? you are righ that he has the right to unsupervised access. and probably more of it.
the access arrangement isnt complicated though - every saturday afternoon, with the aim of working up to 1 full day at the weekend. so how do I do this?
I cannot see him, and he has no equipment of his own. So he knocks on the door and I go out for however long?
or i do a packed lunch and let him take him out?
how does this work?

I dont know, my trust for him has taken a massive battering. If nothing else, I dont think he would have a clue what to do with him if he did take him.

he has no car seat, and I live in a tiny village, so he cant really go anywhere with him, except stay at my house. I hate the idea of him driving ds anyway, as he is a reckless driver, recently totalling his car. And I am concerned about neglecting his needs - he used to ignore him and do his own thing while ds just cried, and 'doesnt like' using his eczema creams - but I guess that ds is a bit older now and will use pester power to get attention.

God, I can see it all now. he is lying to me because he has to - I woldnt take it any other way. I need to accept all this, and do my best to make sure ds gets to see his dad. And making access easier will help all that. My god, i find my dad hard work, so can imagine what it was like for xh.

thanks for being so honest with me jammi.
noone has suggested that I am using ds against him before, but now I can see I am. I didnt set out to, but I think my judgement has been clouded by all the pain I am going through. It was when you said I wouldnt have had a problem before the affair that I thought - yes you are right. It became so clear. thanks.

I just have to work towards ds's best interests, which I will. he needs to see his dad, whether I like it or not.

averyquickex - you've had some top advice from jammi. I've nothing more to add but some more support.

You sound a little bit all over the place with everything that's happening, so I hope you'll soon get a bit of equilibrium back

i agree totally with what Jammi has said and averyquickex... i think you are being amazingly brave to have turned around your thinking. Your son is lucky to have you as a mum.

just an update, cos it thought it was interesting..

I texted xh and said he can see ds alone this afternoon - I would go out with my mum so he could do this. So I let him have what he had asked for (remember xh cancelling access that started this?), and was doing the right thing by ds. I felt like I took a massive step forward. Felt worried for ds, but knew that was MY problem.

No reply until late last night. Oh no, he cant do tomorrow as he is going to his mums (incidentally, a 90 mile drive each way).

well... i guess it wasnt much notice so maybe he had already planned to go to his mums.

maybe you can offer the same again next week? that way he will have time to make arrangements...

but yesterday he asked me to change access to this afternoon!!!

oh right.

i think you need to do what i've done... put a schedule together for the next six months stating exact dates and times and where your DS will be. its saved me loads of heartache and upset for my DS and has meant minimal interaction with ex which has done my state of mind no harm whatsoever !

right, schedule it is.

tbh, I do not need to say this, I was being unreasonable re him seeing ds in general, he may or may not have been unreasonabel in wanting to rearrange access at the last minute and I shall learn from it.
but jammi you are giving xh MUCH too much credit! I just cant let this thread end with xh sounding reasonable with his final cancellation. I texted no to him then called to discuss rearranging within the space of about 20 minutes, (from just before my first post to just after my second), to which he agreed. There is no way he rearranged going to his mums in such a short space of time.

basically he either forgot he was going to his mums (very possible), or decided to cancel ds when his mum invited him over also very possible). I know what he is like, he double books himself constantly. he always WAS unrealiable and had no qualms about letting other people down. As I pointed out before, he has rearranged / cancelled 3 out of the 7 times he has seen ds since we split 7 weeks ago.

so, now I draw a line under it. We will have a schedule for access, where he can see ds alone at the weekend and 1 evening in the week. He will do it in my house and I will go out. I will put up with it cos DS needs to see his dad. I will not discuss ANYTHING except ds with him - I am no longer interested in why he cancels or wants to rearrange as they are no longer my problems.

but I will NOT ever believe his isnt a lying, unreliable, messed up, toerag, and unfortunately, will expect xh to let ds down every time until he proves me wrong.

yes, exactly.

I can see this has been an amazing journey I have been on, and I have felt every shift as I have gone essentially through the grieving process. And now I accept what he is like, accept he will let me down, accept that I dont trust him, but ds needs to see him cos he loves him, so I need to give ds the chance.

jammi you helped me reach this stage of acceptance (I know it is a bit soon, and I will g oback to anger etc at times), but you made me see what I had to do to reach that stage. I cannot thank you enough!